Patrick Crewdson - kept man, Auckland

Monday, July 05, 2004

Cash rules everything around me

It looks like pretty soon I'm gonna be flush. I'm expecting $2.2 million, you see, from a barrister who recently made my acquaintance. And that's American money. Yep, two million greenbacks, sir. Or, should you be calling me sir?

As I'm sure you've heard, it's not about what you know, but who. And while I'm devastated to learn of the death of a family member four years ago, it's nice that my surname's finally gonna start working for me financially. Check it out:
My name is Barrister Sam Adama Esq,i am a solicitor at law.I am
the personal attorney to the Late Mr.Albert H.Crewdson (Chief Executive
Officer)of BIOOIL OIL SERVICING LTD,who till his untimely death was a
contractor with Texaco Nigeria in port Harcourt,Nigeria.Whom here in
after shall be referred to as my client.
On the 21st of April 2000, my client, his wife and their two
children were involved in a car accident along sagbama express
road. All occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost their lives.
Since then I have made several enquiries to your embassy to locate
any of my clients extended relatives,this has also proved
unsuccessful. After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided
to track his last name over the Internet, to locate any member of
his family hence I contacted you.I have contacted you to assist in
repatriating the money and properties left behind by my client
before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank
where this huge deposit were lodged.
Particularly,LAKEWOOD INTERNATIONAL BANK ,where the deceased had a
deposit valued at about US$5.5 Million has issued me a notice to
provide the next-of-kin
or have the account confiscated within the 6 weeks.Since I have been
unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over 2 years now, I seek
your consent to present you as the next of kin to my deceased client
since you share the same last name with him so that the proceeds of
this account valued at US$5.5 Million can be paid to you and then
you and I can share the money in the ratio 60% to me and 40% to you.
I have all necessary legal documents that can be used to backup any
claim we may make.All I require is your honest cooperation to enable
us see this deal through. I guarantee that this will be executed
under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach
of the law. Please get in touch with me immediately as I do not have
much time in my disposal.
Thank you in advance for your anticipated co-operation.

Best Regards,
Barrister Sam Adama Esq
Tracked my surname over the internet? Fantastic! It's not every day that an opportunity like this lands in my inbox. My surname's pretty rare and to be completely honest I didn't even know I had folk in Africa. As you can imagine, I'm pretty excited. Except ... well, I don't mean to look a gift horse in the grill, but if Sam Adama Esq googled me, why did he send the letter to Lyndon? Sure, sure, he probably assumed Lyndon would pass it on to me. Reality bore him out there, although I think Mr Hood may be jealous of my impending wealth (his email read: "Think this is meant for you. Careful though, it might not be genuine..."). I'm saying though, why not contact me directly? I don't mean to brag, but searching by surname I'm the third Crewdson on the internet. I'm just lucky my name's not Smith, otherwise I might still be waiting for that email.

I wonder if Sam Adama wrote to Gregory Crewdson? He's an artist, and American, no doubt the flaky type (although quite brilliant I'm sure, never met him myself), so Sam shouldn't take it personally if he didn't respond. And there's Will, but his site appears to be down, so Sam probably couldn't reach him (I should remember to give him grief about that next time we're both at the pan-continental Crewdson family festival). Maybe Ernest helped locate me. He wrote The Crewdson-Rockwell Family History in 1990, so I'm sure he's got a well-maintained rolodex. Or maybe Sam's a fan of the work Captain John Crewdson did on Dr Strangelove and From Russia With Love? Or the other John, the Pullitzer winner?

It doesn't really matter. I'll forgive the circuitous route the email travelled to make it to me. I'm sure Sam Adama Esq is a busy guy, what with all his high-powered legal work, the endless, gruelling corporate conferences, and having to practice his penmanship. If I understand correctly, he's also personal attorney to the late Mr.Albert M Benson (Chief Executive Officer)of Biooil Oil Servicing Ltd. Mr Benson must have been fast friends with my Uncle Al, what with them sharing the same first name and the same job. That's probably how Sam Adama got the Benson account. Hook ups.

I should remember to ask Sam, next time we talk, whether he knew General Sanni Abacha and his prolific wife. If I know Sam - and I think I do - he's probably got that MC Frontalot nerdcore track Urgent Business Relationship on heavy rotate on his iPod:
She's the LADY MARYAM ABACHA, deposed.
These days can't even get her caps-lock key unfroze
but yo, something 'bout a widow in distress
(with 20 million dollars hidden in a metal chest)
Catchy. Oh, and after Sam and I have bonded over our favourite Nigerian pop culture references it shouldn't be too awkward for me to bring up the dire road safety stats in his homeland. Maybe he can answer my questions about why April 21st is so cursed. I've heard of at least 27 fatal road accidents on that day since 1998. And I thought country people were supposed to die on country roads, not oil executives.

Now I'm getting all worked up. Enough of this time-wasting, I'm gonna email Sam right now. Time to get my loot. Catch you suckers later.