Ryan Brown-Haysom - left-leaning arse-licker, Auckland

Monday, November 29, 2004

This is a special Fighting Talk guest post from Critic Subeditor Ryan Brown-Haysom. It was originally published on Critic's weblog.

Letter to morality's guardians

ATTN: Pastors Bev and Peter Mortlock, Paul Adams MP, City Impact Church, Auckland.

Dear Pastors Bev and Peter, and Mr Adams,

I read in the North Shore Times and the Sunday Star-Times that you have begun a three-week-long fast to protest against “the moral slide of our nation”, and may I congratulate you on your decision. At first I was a bit concerned that fasting sounds a bit - well, a bit Popish really. I mean, one day you're fasting, the next you're eating ashes and flogging yourself with a sack full of broken glass in a public place. Either that or painting your face brown and spinning cotton and leading salt marches. But I digress.

Anyway, my fears were soon dispelled. After all, did not our Lord fast in the wilderness for forty days and forty nights? And did not the disciples of John, like the Pharisees, fast often? (Luke 5:33) Alleluia, praise the Lord!

This got me thinking. Why are you three only fasting for 21 days, barely half the time Christ himself took out? I appreciate your good intentions and all, but it does look a bit... well, a little bit gay. I mean, Jesus could do 40 days, and unlike the Son of Man, you don't even have the Prince of Darkness hanging over your shoulder offering to turn rocks into chocolate gateaux. So why not make a real gesture? Why not conclusively demonstrate the power of the Holy Spirit to all those whores and homer-seckshals? That's why I suggest that you should fast from all food and beverages (including water) for five years.

What an awesome demonstration of God's holy power it will be when you emerge like in Lazarus in December 2009, having eaten nothing for five long years, but been fed by the Word of God; not for a piffling three weeks, but for 260 weeks! How many souls will you win to the Lord in this nation during that time! How many of the unrighteous shall you call to the tabernacle! Praise God! Start now! (Mr Adams, please suggest this to your fellow United Future MPs as well.)

God is not impressed with your mere 21-day-diet, and frankly neither am I. God says, in the words of Isaiah 58:4-7: "Such fasting as you do today will not make your voice heard o n high. Is such the fast that I choose, a day to humble oneself? Is it to bow down the head like a bulrush, and to lie in sackcloth and ashes? Will you call this a fast, a day acceptable to the Lord? Is not this the fast that I choose: to loose the bonds of injustice, to undo the thongs of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free, and to break every yoke? Is it not to share your bread with the hungry, to bring the homeless poor into your house...."

Yadda yadda yadda. And so it goes on, in one of God's more boring little rants. Sometimes I fear that God sounds a bit like a Communist. But the point is this: if you're going to do something, do it properly! Like me. I have eaten nothing for the last eighteen years, but been sustained by the Spirit of God alone. I advise you to do the same. After all, we walk by faith, and not by sight.

Yours in Jesus' mighty, all-purpose name,
Ryan Brown-Haysom
Fast and Loose