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Hamish and Lyndon - title sharers

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Part three of a seven-part series...

12 Reasons Not to Vote for the Maori Party

1. Well, you could start by looking at their policies. Oh, no, wait...

2. You are a wishy-washy, PC liberal and everything, but there's a limit.

3. Their name sounds too similar to the ill-fated Murray Party of 1963, which ran on a platform of social justice for unfortunately-named southern white males.

4. They refused to vote against the Black Caps tour of Zimbabwe because "It is difficult to know the full extent of the situation in Zimbabwe given our reliance on media commentary for an accurate portrayal of the events as they unfold". Apparently the combined might of the BBC, CNN, The Guardian, Amnesty International, and the Otago Daily Times doesn't carry enough credibility.

5. There's no way you're going to let a bunch of cheeky darkies tell you what to do.

6. As an avid follower of MMP, you understand that the fewer electorate votes the party gets, the greater the overhang from the electorate seats they'll win, and the more extra bonus support for whichever the hell party you imagine they'll be supporting.

7. Because them Maoris have had it easy for too long, with their poor health outcomes, marginalisation, poverty, early death and so on.

8. We can learn from National's billboards that iwi are Maori and are fully encompassed by the word "Kiwi," which means "New Zealander," which means you should vote for National, the party for all New Zealanders, or else Labour will have its way and them Murrys will fence off all the beaches.

9. Maori believe in communal living, which is basically just code for communism, which is why the party representing Maori should be expunged from our decent free-market-fearing property ownership society.

10. Let's face it, most of the population don't have a clue whether it's Tariana Turia, Turiana Taria, or some other inventive permutation of those letters, like Anita Airruta.

11. It will upset the pervasive Pakeha hegemony so pertinent to perpetuating our freedoms and democracy. In other words, they should quit complaining and go back to their own country.

12. Since they have consistently voted with National, who plan to abolish the Maori seat and threatened to reinforce the foreshore legislation, the Maori Party will be the perfect coaltion support party for a hell-bound snowball.