Hamish McKenzie - political analyst, Ontario
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Blog election
The latest poll shows bad news for the Left. But if the New Zealand blogosphere were anything to go by, the Left would cruise into power. What follows is an assessment of what the New Zealand government would like look like if the quality of political bloggers could decide the election. For the sake of simplicity, I've divided the bloggers into three camps -- right, centre, and left -- rather than deal with them directly on the basis of party affiliation. I'm also only considering blogs I consider to be significant. Fighting Talk is omitted for reasons of impartiality.
Just for shits and giggles, I've allocated seats in parliament based on merit (democracy is over-rated anyway). As you can see, according to my entirely unbiased observations, the final make-up of parliament would be decidedly left-wing.
All abuse can be directed to hjlmckenzie@yahoo.co.nz. I'll post the most colourful stuff.
THE RIGHT
David Farrar - Kiwiblog
Blog rival: Jordan Carter, Just Left
Pros:
• He's a prolific hyperblogger, meaning losers like me have something new to read every time we log on. Between blogging and campaigning for National, though, does this guy ever actually do any work for InternetNZ? I can't believe my hard-earned tax money is paying for Farrar's blog-breaks. Oh, no, that's right -- I have no income.
• Opposes raising the drinking age -- mainly because most of his friends are minors.
• He's taken up the crusade against the parsimonious Herald.
• Admirably self-deprecating.
Cons:
• Doesn't argue much in depth. Like his beloved National Party, his arguments are typically underdeveloped and horribly one-sided. Suffers frequent ass-whuppings at the hands of Russell Brown, who is then clambered on by Farrar's loyal legion of deranged fans.
• Doesn't understand defamation laws.
• If you can judge a leader by the quality of his follower... DPF would raise his blog's IQ significantly if he got rid of the comments feature.
Summary:
Despite his many flaws, Farrar's cheerful enthusiasm, omnipresence, and hopelessly blind faith in National adds a special element to the NZ blogosphere. He'd do well, however, to learn how to use commas.
Vicariously won seats in parliament: 30
Aaron Bhatnagar
Blog rival: Lyndon Hood, Fighting Talk (if only because they’re related)
Pros:
• Finally had the sense to at least reduce the size of his mug shot.
• Impeccable hair.
• He has a fondness for his dog.
• Might actually be a nice guy.
Cons:
• He couldn't tell an argument if it sat on his face.
• His odious hoardings fetish.
• In blogging terms, Bhatnagar is to Farrar what Gareth Keenan is to David Brent.
• Struggles with English.
Summary:
Some might question the worth of Bhatnagar's blog, since he pretty much just writes whatever Farrar writes except -- and I don’t know he does this -- with less eloquence. (Failing that, he just reprints a Herald article and adds a couple of lines.) However, Bhatnagar obviously has political nous, choosing to jump the sinking ship that is ACT to join the rising rocket that is National. His attempted retorts (mysteriously, his squabbles with Lyndon from November last year have disappeared from his site) are almost cute, and he clearly has excellent personal hygiene. That's enough to cross the five percent threshold to make it into the bloggers' parliament.
Seats: 8
Sir Humphreys
Blog rival: Idiot-Savant, No Right Turn (I/S has to be someone’s rival)
Pros:
• Name lends itself to mildly amusing parodies.
• Home to a number of contributors.
• Um, energy?
Cons:
• Must be difficult to see past the gobs of spit spraying from these bloggers' mouths when they're writing their diatribes.
• No brains. Not even one.
Summary:
No brains gets you a long way in politics, but feverish rhetoric doesn't. They only just scrape into significance on the basis of their combined muscle power. He who shouts loudest... Actually, that's not even a saying.
Seats: 2
THE CENTRE
Dog Biting Men
Blog rival: Nipperty Slim, former Salient writer
Pros:
• They used to be something.
Cons:
• Were stripped of all impetus to exist when Matt Nippert left the blogosphere.
Summary:
See above.
Seats: 0
Keith Ng - Poll Dancer
Blog rival: himself
Pros:
• He works for a student magazine.
• Shows evidence of writing ability.
• A genuine talent to think of shit others don't think of.
• His baby brown eyes.
• Once blogged drunk. Wild!
Cons:
• The mag he works for is Salient.
• An overexcited Keith is often too quick to release half-formed scoops that he can't be sure even exist. Seriously, it's a problem.
• Over-eager on predictions.
• Seems to have left a letter off his last name.
Summary:
Keith's doing a good job of traipsing a political middle ground, but this writer suspects it's purely so he can glean beverages alcoholic in nature from competing parties in return for favourable blog coverage. Still, his insights from within the dark lair of the press gallery have been illuminating, and his many interesting interview subjects have given him a more-than-solid start to his blogging career.
Seats: 10
THE LEFT
Jordan Carter - Just Left
Blog rival: David Farrar
Pros:
• He can form sentences.
• He can frame an argument.
Cons:
• His disturbing propensity to use emoticons almost completely destroys his credibility.
• Sees everything through Labour-coloured glasses.
Summary:
Although Jordan is often not much more than a conduit for Labour's press releases, he can at least use commas. His unfailing loyalty in the face of, well, anything, is enough to win him votes from those who have an aversion to flip-floppers.
Seats: 10
Idiot-Savant – No Right Turn
Blog rival: Sir Humphrey's (because of contrasting styles and opposite-ends-of-the-spectrumness)
Pros:
• Scrupulous researcher.
• A committed liberal with a consistent message and broad outlook.
• Committed blogger -- almost on Farrar's scale for productivity, except with posts of substance.
Cons:
• Gets stuck at intersections.
• Ugly website.
Summary:
Very much a blogger's blogger. A quintessential 'man alone' with firm ideas about his own ideas. A solid performer with a genuine concern for the facts. Of course, these qualities will get you nowhere in politics. No Right Turn just makes the threshold.
Seats: 5
Frogblog
Blog rival: Fucked if I know
Pros:
• It's just a damn good blog.
Cons:
• Green, slimy, and warty.
• Has a disturbingly similar writing style to a former Fighting Talker.
Summary:
Sure, frog is probably paid to blog, but s/he has brought a standard of blogging unattained by any other Kiwi pundit. Audio files, Simpsons comparisons, genuine scoops, rolling polls, and articulate discussion. Yes, it's a party PR vehicle, but it truly sets the standards for blogging -- an immediate, up-to-date, informed multimedia experience drawing on research, opinion, and, sometimes, fine journalism.
Seats: 20
Russell Brown - Hard News
Blog rival: All right-wing bloggers combined
Pros:
• Knows everything about everything and isn't afraid to let you know.
• Really grates on the nerves of right-wing bloggers, most of whom are a lot dumber than him.
Cons:
• Knows everything about everything and isn't afraid to let you know.
• Has recently converted Hard News into a Labour lovefest and anti-National-tirade outlet. Not entirely unjustified, but it makes his claim to non-affiliation a little hard to swallow.
Summary:
The old campaigner. Brown is prolific, convincing, and literate -- hardly the qualities of a real blogger. His experience and public appeal, however, are enough to win him a large number of seats.
Seats: 35
CONCLUSION
Well, really, it's a landslide for the left: 70 seats plays 40, helped by the fact they have one extra blogger of significance on their side. The centre bloc of 10 seats would be largely irrelevant, which is good because no-one likes a piker. The right wing, meanwhile, would have to fish around for some new talent and perhaps one or two writing tutors.
The latest poll shows bad news for the Left. But if the New Zealand blogosphere were anything to go by, the Left would cruise into power. What follows is an assessment of what the New Zealand government would like look like if the quality of political bloggers could decide the election. For the sake of simplicity, I've divided the bloggers into three camps -- right, centre, and left -- rather than deal with them directly on the basis of party affiliation. I'm also only considering blogs I consider to be significant. Fighting Talk is omitted for reasons of impartiality.
Just for shits and giggles, I've allocated seats in parliament based on merit (democracy is over-rated anyway). As you can see, according to my entirely unbiased observations, the final make-up of parliament would be decidedly left-wing.
All abuse can be directed to hjlmckenzie@yahoo.co.nz. I'll post the most colourful stuff.
THE RIGHT
David Farrar - Kiwiblog
Blog rival: Jordan Carter, Just Left
Pros:
• He's a prolific hyperblogger, meaning losers like me have something new to read every time we log on. Between blogging and campaigning for National, though, does this guy ever actually do any work for InternetNZ? I can't believe my hard-earned tax money is paying for Farrar's blog-breaks. Oh, no, that's right -- I have no income.
• Opposes raising the drinking age -- mainly because most of his friends are minors.
• He's taken up the crusade against the parsimonious Herald.
• Admirably self-deprecating.
Cons:
• Doesn't argue much in depth. Like his beloved National Party, his arguments are typically underdeveloped and horribly one-sided. Suffers frequent ass-whuppings at the hands of Russell Brown, who is then clambered on by Farrar's loyal legion of deranged fans.
• Doesn't understand defamation laws.
• If you can judge a leader by the quality of his follower... DPF would raise his blog's IQ significantly if he got rid of the comments feature.
Summary:
Despite his many flaws, Farrar's cheerful enthusiasm, omnipresence, and hopelessly blind faith in National adds a special element to the NZ blogosphere. He'd do well, however, to learn how to use commas.
Vicariously won seats in parliament: 30
Aaron Bhatnagar
Blog rival: Lyndon Hood, Fighting Talk (if only because they’re related)
Pros:
• Finally had the sense to at least reduce the size of his mug shot.
• Impeccable hair.
• He has a fondness for his dog.
• Might actually be a nice guy.
Cons:
• He couldn't tell an argument if it sat on his face.
• His odious hoardings fetish.
• In blogging terms, Bhatnagar is to Farrar what Gareth Keenan is to David Brent.
• Struggles with English.
Summary:
Some might question the worth of Bhatnagar's blog, since he pretty much just writes whatever Farrar writes except -- and I don’t know he does this -- with less eloquence. (Failing that, he just reprints a Herald article and adds a couple of lines.) However, Bhatnagar obviously has political nous, choosing to jump the sinking ship that is ACT to join the rising rocket that is National. His attempted retorts (mysteriously, his squabbles with Lyndon from November last year have disappeared from his site) are almost cute, and he clearly has excellent personal hygiene. That's enough to cross the five percent threshold to make it into the bloggers' parliament.
Seats: 8
Sir Humphreys
Blog rival: Idiot-Savant, No Right Turn (I/S has to be someone’s rival)
Pros:
• Name lends itself to mildly amusing parodies.
• Home to a number of contributors.
• Um, energy?
Cons:
• Must be difficult to see past the gobs of spit spraying from these bloggers' mouths when they're writing their diatribes.
• No brains. Not even one.
Summary:
No brains gets you a long way in politics, but feverish rhetoric doesn't. They only just scrape into significance on the basis of their combined muscle power. He who shouts loudest... Actually, that's not even a saying.
Seats: 2
THE CENTRE
Dog Biting Men
Blog rival: Nipperty Slim, former Salient writer
Pros:
• They used to be something.
Cons:
• Were stripped of all impetus to exist when Matt Nippert left the blogosphere.
Summary:
See above.
Seats: 0
Keith Ng - Poll Dancer
Blog rival: himself
Pros:
• He works for a student magazine.
• Shows evidence of writing ability.
• A genuine talent to think of shit others don't think of.
• His baby brown eyes.
• Once blogged drunk. Wild!
Cons:
• The mag he works for is Salient.
• An overexcited Keith is often too quick to release half-formed scoops that he can't be sure even exist. Seriously, it's a problem.
• Over-eager on predictions.
• Seems to have left a letter off his last name.
Summary:
Keith's doing a good job of traipsing a political middle ground, but this writer suspects it's purely so he can glean beverages alcoholic in nature from competing parties in return for favourable blog coverage. Still, his insights from within the dark lair of the press gallery have been illuminating, and his many interesting interview subjects have given him a more-than-solid start to his blogging career.
Seats: 10
THE LEFT
Jordan Carter - Just Left
Blog rival: David Farrar
Pros:
• He can form sentences.
• He can frame an argument.
Cons:
• His disturbing propensity to use emoticons almost completely destroys his credibility.
• Sees everything through Labour-coloured glasses.
Summary:
Although Jordan is often not much more than a conduit for Labour's press releases, he can at least use commas. His unfailing loyalty in the face of, well, anything, is enough to win him votes from those who have an aversion to flip-floppers.
Seats: 10
Idiot-Savant – No Right Turn
Blog rival: Sir Humphrey's (because of contrasting styles and opposite-ends-of-the-spectrumness)
Pros:
• Scrupulous researcher.
• A committed liberal with a consistent message and broad outlook.
• Committed blogger -- almost on Farrar's scale for productivity, except with posts of substance.
Cons:
• Gets stuck at intersections.
• Ugly website.
Summary:
Very much a blogger's blogger. A quintessential 'man alone' with firm ideas about his own ideas. A solid performer with a genuine concern for the facts. Of course, these qualities will get you nowhere in politics. No Right Turn just makes the threshold.
Seats: 5
Frogblog
Blog rival: Fucked if I know
Pros:
• It's just a damn good blog.
Cons:
• Green, slimy, and warty.
• Has a disturbingly similar writing style to a former Fighting Talker.
Summary:
Sure, frog is probably paid to blog, but s/he has brought a standard of blogging unattained by any other Kiwi pundit. Audio files, Simpsons comparisons, genuine scoops, rolling polls, and articulate discussion. Yes, it's a party PR vehicle, but it truly sets the standards for blogging -- an immediate, up-to-date, informed multimedia experience drawing on research, opinion, and, sometimes, fine journalism.
Seats: 20
Russell Brown - Hard News
Blog rival: All right-wing bloggers combined
Pros:
• Knows everything about everything and isn't afraid to let you know.
• Really grates on the nerves of right-wing bloggers, most of whom are a lot dumber than him.
Cons:
• Knows everything about everything and isn't afraid to let you know.
• Has recently converted Hard News into a Labour lovefest and anti-National-tirade outlet. Not entirely unjustified, but it makes his claim to non-affiliation a little hard to swallow.
Summary:
The old campaigner. Brown is prolific, convincing, and literate -- hardly the qualities of a real blogger. His experience and public appeal, however, are enough to win him a large number of seats.
Seats: 35
CONCLUSION
Well, really, it's a landslide for the left: 70 seats plays 40, helped by the fact they have one extra blogger of significance on their side. The centre bloc of 10 seats would be largely irrelevant, which is good because no-one likes a piker. The right wing, meanwhile, would have to fish around for some new talent and perhaps one or two writing tutors.
