Fighting Talk

Lyndon Hood - self-promotion-promoter, Lower Hutt

2012-01-10T13:04:00.002+13:00

Just a post for if anyone wants to comment on the year in review thing I published at Scoop, which seems too long to repeat here.

Also, to inform you of its existence.

Blimp For Welfare Reform

2011-11-19T16:45:00.002+13:00

http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL1111/S00169/lyndon-hood-vote-colonel-blimp-for-welfare-reform.htm
Lovingly ripped off from David Low

In the years prior to World War Two ex-pat New Zealand cartoonist David Low (1891-1963) created the character of Colonel Blimp – conservative ex-army gentleman, bather and oxey moron. The following is based on part of 'Lows Topical Budget' from the Evening Standard of 2 November 1935. (A little more on Low – and Blimp – in this 2009 Werewolf article.)

***

For those who prefer their parodied images more photographic, here's one I prepared earlier:

********

Got feedback? Leave a comment on Lyndon's blog!

You can follow @lyndonhood on Twitter.

A Tea Ceremony

2011-11-11T15:20:00.001+13:00

http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL1111/S00086/scoop-satire-a-tea-ceremony.htm
Hat-tip to the Listener Live Blog

[JOHN 1 and JOHN 2 enter a cafe, bow to each other, and sit in facing seats at a cafe table.]

WAITER: Can I help you?

JOHN 1: I would like a Symbolic Cup Of Tea.

JOHN 2: I too would like a Symbolic Cup Of Tea.

[Waiter bows. Waiter opens a cupboard and removes a Key Ring. Waiter unlocks a Safe which contains a small Gong. Waiter places Gong beside Espresso Machine and Strikes the Gong once.]

[Camera flash.]

J1: It is an Auspicious Day.

J2: It is Two-Weeks-From-The-Election Eve.

J1: Any policy released after this day is officially We Don't Want The Voters To Think Too Hard About This.

J2: It is nice to Take A Break From Campaigning Out Of The Sun.

J1: Yes. It is Very Shady Here In Epsom.

J2: Epsom is symbolic of Scared White People.

J1: Your Name is symbolic of Stopping Things Leaking Out The Side.

J2: Your Name is symbolic of A Potential Opening.

W: I have brought you Your Tea.

[Camera flash.]

W: Tea Sounds Like T.

J1: T stands for Treason.

J2: T stands for Train Wreck.

W: Because it is a Symbolic Cup Of Tea it does not have to Actually Be Tea.

J1: I am having a Flat White.

J2: I am having a Corned Beef Smoothie. I have Been Told They Are Nice Here.

W: The Credibility Of John Banks Drinking A Corned Beef Smoothie is symbolic of The Credibility Of John Banks Representing The ACT Party's Principles.

[J1 & J2 sniff the Tea.]

J1 & J2: Mmm Lovely.

J2: My Mum always said If You Can See The Bottom It's Not A Proper Cup Of Tea.

J1: I Cannot See The Bottom Twenty Per Cent.

J2: The only bottom I can see is the Bottom Of The Barrel.

J1&J2: It is a Proper Cup Of Tea.

[J1 & J2 theatrically indicate the extreme heat of the Tea.]

W: The Tea is Very Hot because You Might Both Get Burned.

J1: The Tea is Very Hot because If You Cannot Stand The Heat Get Out Of The Kitchen.

W: That is the Metaphorical Kitchen not the Symbolic Kitchen. In the Symbolic Kitchen, Out The Back, A Lot Of People Work Hard For Not Much in Horrible Conditions and Fell Lucky For What They Can Get. For the purposes of this Symbolic Cup Of Tea we will Ignore The People In The Kitchen.

W: Too Hot is also symbolic of Baby Bear's Porridge.

[Camera flash.]

[A Starving Sparrow lands on the Table.]

J1: The Sparrow is hoping for Crumbs.

J2: If You Feed Them It Only Encourages Them.

J1 & J2: Get away from our Table, Sparrow.

[The Sparrow dies of Shame.]

W: I have brought you Your Little Spoons.

J1: The Little Spoon is symbolic of a Long Spoon.

J2: The Little Spoon is symbolic of a Bent Spoon.

W: I have brought you Your Sugar. It is not Fair Trade.

J1: The grains of the Sugar and symbolic of Crushed Hopes For Less Authoritarian Politics.

J2: This Spoon Of Sugar is symbolic of My Personal Election Year Lolly Scramble.

W: I have brought you Your Milk. It is not Organic.

J1: The Saucer Catching The Drips As I Pour The Milk is symbolic of ACT's Stability As A Helpful Coalition Partner.

J2: The Motion Of Poured Milk In The Tea is symbolic of ACT's Stability In Every Other Way.

J2: I will Stir the Tea.

J1: I will Spin the Tea.

[Camera flash.]

J1: This Milk has Curdled.

W: The Curdled Milk is symbolic of We May Have Got This Water Out Of A New Zealand River.

J2: This Milk has Split.

W: The Split Milk is symbolic of a Split Vote.

J2: I Do Not Like this Milk.

J1 & J2: We will Drink The Tea And Pretend We Enjoy It.

[Camera flash.]

W: The Pinky Finger Extended Forwards is symbolic of Pointing To The Person You Are Supporting In This Election.

J1: The Pinky Finger is also symbolic of the Shaft I am giving to My Party's Candidate.

W: The Difficulty Swallowing is symbolic of Economic Projections.

[Camera flash.]

J1: This Tea has left a Bitter Taste In My Mouth.

J2: I Quite Liked It.

W: Will there be Anything Else?

J1: You Don't Know The Half Of It.

[J1 and J2 stand. They shake hands.]

[Camera flash.]

W: If that were Don Brash it would be Symbolic of Death And The Maiden.

J2: I Do Not Know anyone called Don Brash.

W: Here is Your Bill. The Bill is symbolic of Hoping To Come Out Ahead But Paying A Steep Price For It.

[J2 theatrically pats his pockets.]

J2: Oh Dear.

J1: Do you not have your Credit Card?

J2: I have Left My Wallet Somewhere.

W: The Wallet is symbolic of Credibility.

J1: Do Not Worry, I shall Get This One.

W: The National Party is assumed to be a Better Economic Manager.

J1 & J2: No Evidence Is Needed.

[J1 produces cash.]

[Camera flash.]

J1: I will Pay for My Tea with this Money.

[Waiter puts Hand out with a Bow. J1 touches the Money to the Hand then takes the Money back.]

J1: I will also Pay for His Tea with This Money.

W: You Cannot Spend The Same Money Twice.

J1: It is Money I will get from Floating State Owned Assets.

W: Oh. That is All Right Then.

J1: There is No Tip. We All Have To Make Sacrifices.

[Waiter Strikes the Gong, twice.]

W: You are my Best Customer.

[Camera flash.]

Lyndon Hood - late again, Wellington

2011-11-02T13:53:00.003+13:00

For reference, this was for the most recent Werewolf:

Dining With The Baron “... I don’t know if you’ve ever been trapped under several fathoms of water, struggling to escape and deprived of oxygen, as you face your apparently inevitable expiration knowing that no matter what convulsions you go through or how loudly you shout no living soul will know or care. It’s uncomfortably like being Phil Goff. More>>

Lyndon Hood - chilly trigger finger, Wellington

2011-09-13T15:57:00.000+12:00

It really seemed fairly warm until it hailed. Not the we noticed; the office has been relocation to a small windowless room during earthquake strengthening work.

More on Wellington.scoop.

Lyndon Hood - Inspector? I never even met 'er! - Wellington

2011-09-13T12:43:00.004+12:00

The new Werewolf is out. I wrote this:

werewolf » From the Hood: The Inspector Protector

Lyndon Hood - pointer-out if things that have been there a while

2011-09-05T17:13:00.001+12:00

werewolf » From the Hood: Sestina SIStina Barcelona

Lyndon Hood - storer, Wellington

2011-07-13T10:56:00.004+12:00

Just because it should go somewhere, here is a picture of Sad Keanu* Don Brash.

* Hey, check the bottom of that link... Keanu is happy!

Lyndon Hood - more verbose, Wellington

2011-06-28T14:35:00.001+12:00

One day a satirist was walking on the beach when he saw a penguin.

"Hey, penguin," said the satirist, "don't eat the brown snow. It's not snow, it's sand. Sand is not good for penguins."

"You have saved my life!" said the penguin, "In return for your kindness, I will fulfil any wish you miake."

"Very well," said the satirist, "Tell me a lost story from the Arabian Nights."

...

From the Hood : The Antipodean Nights’ Entertainments
Werewolf Issue 24

[Today's trivia: Barmecides are not people who kill barms.]

Lyndon Hood - back from improvising in Auckland, Wellington

2011-05-25T12:58:00.001+12:00

Werewolf 23:
From The Hood : Goff Disappointed As World Fails To End

Lyndon Hood - patter appropriator, Wellington

2011-04-29T15:03:00.003+12:00

werewolf » From The Hood : Learning To Read The PM

In which I throw a very specific book at the PM (and Don Brash).

From Werewolf Issue 22.

Lyndon Hood - friends in marine places, Wellington

2011-04-11T13:32:00.002+12:00

Act vs the Foreshore Bill: A Tale Of 119 Whales
From March, because (just while I remember) Hilary Calvert does not know the history of marine mammals.
Image: ~koosh-llama on Deviantart (Part II)

Lyndon Hood - sooner than I might have predicted, Wellington

2011-03-22T15:55:00.001+13:00

A column that you can tell by the URL I didn't really have a headline for is in
Werewolf 22

Somebody else drew this. It would be handy if I could draw like that. I can't draw like that.

Lyndon Hood - retro-updater, Wellington

2011-02-15T15:49:00.002+13:00

“Untitled Employment Policy #7″, John Key, 2008-2011 (collection of the artist)

From Werewolf Issue 20: “John Key PM” Wins 2011 Walters Prize For Modern Art.

I also realised I didn't link to the Christmas issue: 2010 In Revue. Let's just say I'm living up to the description of this blog ("updated irregularly") in the National Library catalogue. Their search results seem to expire; this link will allow you to do your own vanity-NATLoogling.

Lyndon Hood: Like whaler, but with seals.

2011-01-20T12:06:00.001+13:00

Oh, and I wrote this.

Lyndon Hood: Sealing The Mine And Throwing Away The Key

The situation that morning was more full of silence and bullshit. By the time I finished things were more resolved. But I ran up what was left anyhow.

I can alway claim I'm just practising saying inappropriate things.

Lyndon Hood - satirist of very little brain

2010-11-30T16:25:00.002+13:00

From the Hood : Lost in Wiseacre Wood

Because Werewolf 18 came out, like, last week. It sounds like people have been charmed by my contribution, which is nice. Probably my lingering attitude to the original coming through.

The remarks I teased last time are all the more relevant because the book I stopped reading to read Cold Comfort Farm was an old, century-spanning comedy writing compendium edited by PG Woodehouse, which includes a non-Pooh-related bit by AA Milne.

Short version - comic prose really does seem to get better the more recent it is. Fewer bright young things having house parties and teasing the poor, for example.

Lyndon Hood: In American-Spelled Technicolor

2010-10-27T13:58:00.003+13:00

werewolf » From The Hood : Looney Toons In Hobbiton

Other things that are awesome
* Cold Comfort Farm
* Four Lions

Seriously, Four Lions is practically my definition of good satire. Though you may want to take precautions against wobbly-camera nausea.

I actually saw it on Sunday, which I guess goes to show nothing gets me to the cinema like professional interest.

That evening I was working on the Werewolf piece. I was wondering if I could think of anything further amusing about the difference between a duck and a rat and got the giggles. For reasons you'll be able to work out when you've seen the movies.

Might be more mention of Cold Comfort at a later date. Is funny.

Lyndon Hood: Visual rememberer, Wellington

2010-10-06T16:28:00.000+13:00

Pics of the Weeks: January to March '10

Lyndon Hood - brrm brrm car

2010-09-28T11:20:00.003+13:00

Werewolf Issue 16 - From The Hood : Auto Erotic

The Christchurch Dialogues

2010-09-16T17:22:00.001+12:00

http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL1009/S00120/scoop-satire-the-christchurch-dialogues.htm

Gerry Brownlee to be played by first person with immaculate comic timing that comes to hand. Scoop to be played by his straight man.

Scoop: So – this Canterbury Earthquake Response and Recovery Act.

Brownlee: Yeah. So with y'know the RMA and so on we were a bit worried we wouldn't be able to get on with the job of rebuilding. I mean, it wasn't designed for this situation, was it? It'd be ages just getting basic consents. So we all got together and decided the best thing, the best thing to do, for the recovery of Canterbury, was to pass a law that let me – well, the Executive Council but, y'know, me – to let me just rewrite any law I wanted to.

Scoop: Isn't it Parliament that makes laws?

Brownlee: Well, it used to. Now it's me.

Scoop: Just laws about Canterbury?

Brownlee: No, everywhere.

Scoop: Any law?

Brownlee: Well not any law obviously. That would be ridiculous. Clearly there have to be limits. Like I'm not allowed to rewrite the Electoral Act or the Constitution Act or the Bill of Rights or… or… there's another one I can't rewrite…

Scoop: I'm guessing not the Resource Management Act?

Brownlee: No, you're right, I can do that one. Specifically mentioned.

Scoop: The Commerce Act?

Brownlee: That too.

Scoop: The Hoildays Act?

Brownlee: That's not it.

Scoop: The Crown Minerals Act?

Brownlee: Ha, no.

Scoop: The Crimes Act?

Brownlee: No.

Scoop: I wouldn't have thought you'd need to rewrite the Crimes Act …

Brownlee: Oh man, tip of my tongue.

Scoop: So if you wanted you could, say, make fraudulently obtaining a passport legal.

Brownlee: Hahaha. Yep.

Scoop: Or raise the drink-driving limit?

Brownlee: Don't be ridiculous.

Scoop: The Decimal Currency Act?

Brownlee: That's not it, I can change that one.

Scoop: But why would you …

Brownlee: Shh, I've almost got it…

[pause]

Scoop: The Abolition of the Death Penalty Act? The Accident Compensation Act? Acts and Regulations Publication Act, Administration Act, Admiralty Act, Admiralty House Act Repeal Act, Adoption Act, Adoption (Intercountry) Act…

Brownlee: Ooh, the Adopti… No, no sorry, can rewrite all of those…

Scoop: The Adult Adoption Information Act, Affiliate Te Arawa Iwi and Hapu Claims Settlement Act, Age of Majority Act, Agricultural and Pastoral Societies Act, Agricultural Compounds and Veterinary Medicines Act, Aid to Water-Power Works Act …

Brownlee: Look, you're just distracting. Oh never mind, I'm sure it it'll come to me. Where were we?

Scoop: Don't you think this is undemocratic?

Brownlee: Well I can't stop the elections.

Scoop: True.

Brownlee: Well, I can, but only local elections.

Scoop: Oh, yes, because you'd already sacked Environment Canterbury.

Brownlee: Actually I meant if I want to I can rewrite the Local Electoral Act, but you've got a point there. Look, just because I've been granted absolute powers over New Zealand's laws, doesn't mean I'll exercise them.

Scoop: So who'll decide if you do?

Brownlee: Me. But I'm sure the opposition is will provide plenty of scrutiny.

Scoop: Scrutiny?

Brownlee: That's right.

Scoop: So if you decide to go about randomly rewriting the laws enacted by New Zealand's Parliament…

Brownlee: … everyone will watch very closely while I do it. Scrutiny, see, very important. And we'll consult too, which as you know means…

Scoop: Before you randomly rewrite the laws you'll tell everyone.

Brownlee: I promise. Can't ask for fairer than that.

Scoop: And this bill that lets you do this passed unanimously?

Brownlee: Yes.

Scoop: What was Parliament thinking?

Brownlee: Anybody that dumb, I couldn't begin to guess what their motives are.

Scoop: Doesn't this all seem a bit authoritarian to you?

Brownlee: 'Authoritarian'. Yes, I think that's exactly the word. Well done.

Scoop: So your Government…

Brownlee: I'll just write that down.

Scoop: Your Government rammed through the Super City and disestablished the Canterbury local government. One of your Ministers released personal information on people who complained about their policies. Is authoritarianism your answer to everything?

Brownlee: I wouldn't say that.

Scoop: I know you wouldn't say it, but is it true?

Brownlee: I don't think it's very fair.

Scoop: Well can you think of any problem you wouldn't solve with authoritarianism?

Brownlee: Well, I, for example if my problem was I wanted a cup of tea, I might boil the jug or I might ask someone to make some for me.

Scoop: And if there wasn't any tea?

Brownlee: Well, if it was like that I suppose I would go for the authoritarianism.

Scoop: Perhaps you'd commandeer some tea?

Brownlee: Obviously I'd have to suspend the Crimes Act first otherwise it would be stealing. But look, that's not reason to go around calling us names. Some might say that's hampering the reconstruction effort.

Scoop: Oh.

Brownlee: There must still be a gallows somewhere in this country.

Scoop: Sorry, Sir.

Brownlee: If you oppose this legislation you're against rebuilding Canterbury! Why do you love earthquakes?

Scoop: But I ... You're loving this aren't you?

Brownlee: Yep.

Scoop: You [expletive deleted]

Brownlee: The Judicature Amendment Act! That's it! I knew I'd get it eventually.

********

Lyndon Hood - More of a stubble man, Wellington

2010-09-01T09:18:00.001+12:00

I'll repeat that I wrote this before Simon Power's parole announcement at the weekend.

The Week In Toxication

2010-08-27T15:25:00.001+12:00

http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL1008/S00192/lyndon-hood-the-week-in-toxication.htm

Original image by Takeaway

"I would there were no age between sixteen and three-and-twenty, or that youth would sleep out the rest; for there is nothing in the between but getting wenches with child, wronging the ancientry, stealing, fighting"
– A Winter's Tale

Sorry if this seems unconnected. Got hammered playing the policy announcement drinking game.

"Minister basically admits meaningful measures may damage standing with crucial, massive 'drunk' vote." Consume.

"Satirist complains of demarcation due to the above." Consume.

And it's true. Most New Zealanders don't have a drinking problem. We're really good at drinking.

John Key explains casinos would be allowed to keep their bars open at all hours was all right because people are primarily there to gamble.

Demarcation. Consume.

Incomplete list of other venues whose patrons' primary purpose is not drinking:
• Strip bars.

I'm just going to take all these tiny paragraphs and call it opinion writing for the Twitter generation. Style problems fixed.

Govt recognizes need to reduce alcohol-related harm. Such as what Police, Fire Service and Defence Force might do to us if we took away their unregulated bars.

Actually, that doesn't seem fair. They should be made to put up those posters like everyone else.

That's the current extent of licensing law, right? You have to put up those posters?

In fairness, if I spent all day fighting crime and putting out fires and shooting guns, I would want to be drunk when I was doing it.

No, that's not fair. I'd want to be hung over.

Just kidding, right. We're buddies yeah? Love you, man. Gizza hug.

Now, as far as I'm concerned there's nothing wrong with announcing you're gonna consult an expert group, as long as it's not ideologically stacked. But when it happens I still have to take a drink.

Key on casinos again: "Like it or not, casinos everywhere stay open all night. Except for the one that don't."

Okay, definitely feeling a bit sozzled now.

Couple of dozen more might put me over the driving limit.

Lucky I'm not this in a month or so, or I'd have to pay extra consumption tax.

Initially I thought the increase in consumption tax was to stop Edwardian waifs picturesquely coughing to death. Turns out, it's a GST hike.

So the idea with those new Iwi/Kiwi billboards is pretty much "sure we were wrong last time, and that's exactly why you should panic now. Look out! He's wearing a feather cloak!"

Interesting bit of statistics: when all the low income earners get fired it drives up the average weekly wage. But in the billboard case, it's 'my tendency to make snarky comments' that has just become redundant.

"So how about that ACT Party then?"

Okay, so we're out of Lion Brown. If anyone needs to offload some of those full-strength RTDs before the law changes…

This is obviously why they call it a "session" of Parliament. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Heather Roy should harden up. The cage fighting death matches are what makes the Westminster system great.

I wish to point out a spelling mistake. Rodney Hide is listed as Leader of ACT. But the German for 'regrettably' is Leider and it's also pronounced differently.

Urgh.

Drinking game going really badly. Off to drown sorrows.

The Calculator of Cthulhu

2010-08-09T15:13:00.005+12:00

http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL1008/S00059/scoop-satire-the-calculator-of-cthulhu.htm
without apologies to H P Lovecraft

Click for big version

1

My doctors have sensed that I am holding something back, that secret is ravaging my mind. Yet I cannot speak of it. If my story became know, it would surely tear apart the gossamer veil that lies between mankind and insanity.

The most recent doctor, a young man, suggested I might write down, secretly, the unspeakable memories I can never share. At first, I could not endure the bare thought of revisiting those horrors, even in private memory. But now, here I sit, beside the kindling fire as night falls, and my shaking pen writes these words.

I still cannot think of the affair of the Prime Minister of New Zealand without a shudder of unmitigated horror.

The days have turned to weeks, since my wild flight from Wellington. Fear, and the immediate preservation of my body, have given way to a fear for my soul. And I brood continually upon the things I have seen, upon certain astronomical events and upon recent discoveries in subatomic physics. The dread I feel – for myself and for all of humanity – has only expanded.

I wish they had never built that monstrous apparatus under the Swiss Alps. Its dangers have so often been guessed at, never for the right reasons.

2

I confess I had never been a friend to John Key, and that I opposed his unusually rapid rise to power. But I never spread any of those peculiar rumours about him, dismissing them as the envious fictions that power inevitably attracts. I do not speak in personal emnity, though recent events have changed my assessment of those rumours.

Now, I remember one that had all the marks of an urban legend – a set of stories with different circumstances, matching only in the most gruesome details. Saying that at various times and places, he was known to have shot off his own mouth, yet appeared entirely unharmed immediately after.

I gave those no more credance than the other stories, such as the one about how he'd killed a guy, just to see if he could get away with it if he smiled and claimed it was part of his economic programme.

3

Nobody saw anything unusual in the Prime Minister's behaviour. He had become, if anything, more relaxed and charming.

Yet recently certain of his personal habits had become more pronounced. He would produce strange items – "statistics", he called them – perhaps regarding Australia, or employment, or Women's pay, the number of children failing at school or the sufficiency of evidence for driver blood/alcohol laws – that did not seem to have come from any recognisable data set of this Earth.

Just then I was, partly due to my own eccentricities, at a loose end or – as I thought – I might not have given the matter any thought. And I also began to wonder why his Ministers were one by one ceasing to appear in public for interviews.

I began a methodical search for a clue as to what mysterious process he had used to manufacture those facts.

Soon I found the deeper tunnels, below the pre-European foundation of the Parliament buildings, and the disturbing markings which my torchlight revealed on those walls.

And I knew that my search had been subconciously driven by some subtle recognition.

As a youth I had chanced on certain arcane volumes, and acquired a secret passion for these bizzare and secret histories – though I was never quite certain if I took it seriously. In truth, my first thought of political life was sparked by a rumour that the Parliament library contained a copy of the fabled Necronomicon (though it proved to be a woefully incomplete Latin version of the mad Arab's writings).

My investigations took to hidden sites all around the world – a passion for travel that bemused my colleagues. I have puzzled over worn inscriptions in half-sunken Venetian crypts and shuddered at distorted friezes uncovered in abandoned Tibetan temples, amidst the shrill, arcane piping of the Himalayan winds.

I see now that every moment was a step on the path that brought me here.

4

As I journeyed ever deeper into those underground passages, the strong the often-remarked scent of despair and madness that clings to Parliament became gradually stronger. I was on the point of turning back, overwhelmed by the stench, when I heard movement in front of me, and saw light.

A kind of cavern opened up at the intersection of several tunnels, filled with a sourceless, pale green light. Strangely-carved arches vanished upwards into dark cyclopean vaults. A robed figure was capering manically in the eldritch glow, consulting the marks that filled the limestone-dripped walls and scribbling notes on scraps of paper that littered the sandy floor.

At first I did not recognize him – how could I have? But it seems he was fully aware of my presence. I drew a shocked breath as the Prime Minister turned and spoke to me.

"See!" he said, "I told you! We are catching up with Australia – if you use percentages!"

And his waving hand forced my attention to the whiteboard my eyes had instinctually tried to avoid.

5

I recoiled in terror as I saw those monstrous calculations, that obscene, non-Euclidean arithmetic – inscriptions that were half numerals, half grotesque symbols representing realities far removed from our own.

I made the mistake of trying to understand it, and was trapped by its mesemerising insanity. Those conclusions that seemed to shift from one moment to the other! The unhallowed divisors he had used to derive such fiendish percentages!

Yet even as my brain swam I knew I had yet to uncover the full extent of this horror. For surely this man who was once human – and was in between times a currency trader – could not have become the creature of illogic I saw before me without the company of another, without the example of some shambling monstrosity of pure madness coaxing from beyond the edges of reason.

And at that moment, I felt the atmosphere change. An increasing wave of stale air flowed from one of the further tunnel mouths. It steamed as it rose, forced from unthinkable, scorching depth by the rapidly rising bulk of some gibbering creature of the black pit.

In a moment that I believe saved my remaining sanity, animal fear overcame my mental paralysis. I turned and ran.

Behind me I heard the Prime Minister, who had turned to welcome the tunneling force of unreason that was surely approaching, call after me in dismay:

"But you can't go – you haven't met the Minister for Economic Development!"

6

My limbs ached and my lungs burned, but knowing what was behind, mere bodily pain could not slow my flight. It was something far more insidious that drove me near to despairing collapse.

As I desperately ran towards the imagined safety of daylight, I sought to measure my pace towards my goal against certain milestones I thought I saw in the far distance. Yet as I sought to check my progress against this arbitrary goal, I found these milestones had vanished, or had never existed at all. Without them, I suddenly feared all my tremendous efforts might be making no progress at all, or even sending me racing in the wrong direction, back into the hole I had come from.

Even space itself: I think I ceased to believe in anything. Shub-Niggurath! The howling Nyarlathotep! Ïa! Ïa! Cthulhu fhtagn!

Yet, partly because I had no other ideas, I kept running. Somehow, I emerged alive.

7

When I tell the doctors I am horrified by the Government, and would do anything to change it, they think I am making small talk.

The truth, and the source of my enduring horror, is that we are governed by creatures capable of such hideous computations, whose relationship to what we call reality is a matter of personal convenience, in whose mad grip established fact crumbles into incoherence.

Somehow they projected into our brains an image or safety, a steady hand on the tiller. Now, like one awakening from a dream, I find that every sphere of Government is being destroyed and rebuilt. Rebuilt in the lunatic image of its incomprehensible builders.

And I ask myself how they can wilfully distort the properties of accepted underlying reality.

But is not 'charm' a property of those quantum particles those scientists and engineers foolishly seek to summon in those cthonic tunnels under Switzerland?

And can it be coincidence that mere days after I saw those half-real calculations distort known reality, a gigantic explosion rippled across the hemisphere of the Sun closest to earth? I am told that the storm of that cataclysm is, even as I write, reaching our atmosphere and causing an eldrich glow in the night sky. I dare not look.

8

No doubt many think me mad. I have done nothing to discourage it, and I certainly had no need to counterfeit the symptoms of nervous collapse. The only one I have heard to doubt it is the one who knows the whole truth.

But I had to take a tangled path to escape that tangled web. If I simply fled without explanation, I could not be sure of my safety. Even here, hundreds of miles distant from that buzzing hive of madness.

I had to leave – as permanently as I could – without suspicion of true cause of my flight. I could not have my colleagues on the scent of the horrible truths that have destroy my happiness. And I had to show the irrational powers which I fled that I could remain silent.

The desperate solution I devised was as follows: I sent an anonymous letter attacking the leader of my own party around the press gallery, leaving clues to be sure that it would be traced back to me within the day.

They insisted I leave, and will do anything they can to stop me going back. They imagine themselves triumphant. If they knew the truth, how they would envy me.

9

As I write, and the Southern sky glows greenly, I have indeed found a certain strange peace. Setting these events on paper has put them in an inexplicable order.

It only remains for me to throw these closely-filled sheets into the fire. I must do it now – to be certain these horrific secrets spread no further.

In a moment.

Someone is knocking at the door.

********

Lyndon Hood - not much of an updater, Wellington

2010-08-04T17:19:00.002+12:00

Oh yes...

Werewolf: From The Hood: Striking Comedy Gold

Energy Minister Gerry Brownlee has announced the discovery “significant” quantities of irony underlying the Parliament area of Wellington. He said the Government plans to exploit these to “the maximum possible extent”. More>>

Last Month's Werewolf: From The Hood: The Battle Of No Oil

In twenty ten BP caused a slick
With an oil well they built off the mighty Mississip’.
The platform blew apart at the seams
And sank in a fire you could see from New Orleans.
More>>

I kept delaying blogging about the last one because I wanted to write something medium-length about the hilarious historical revisionism involved in the 'British Version'. Long story short, read the end of that column, the watch this:

... the comments in YouTube can get a bit crabby.

Lyndon Hood - more and more curious, Lower Hutt

2010-06-07T15:11:00.003+12:00

The Week in Nonsense: State Pwned Enterprises

Satire by Lyndon Hood

Click for big version.

…

And so the girl walked into the forest.

Soon the ground was rising up beside the path, very prettily, in a sort of low ridge or bank. Just as she was beside its highest point, she was surprised by a voice from somewhere quite nearby:

"Whyever are you walking on the ground like that? Would'n't you go faster if you flew?"

"But how should I fly?" she asked, as she looked to see who was speaking to her.

"Why, one pulls oneself up. By one's bootstraps. I should, if I were you."

She found the voice belonged to a large cat which was sitting on the bank and grinning from ear to ear. Any cat will have a proprietary attitude to the thing it sits upon, but she felt the way this one was smiling showed actual ownership.

"Good day, Mister Cat," she said politely, "What a nice bank you have!"

"Thank you," the cat replied. "I was considering selling it."

"Oh, but you must'n't do that!" she said.

The girl felt she had spoken rather louder than she had meant to, but all the same it was a nice bank, and talk of selling made her think how once she sold her doll to the girl who lived across the road. When she saw it next, its head had been pulled off.

Also, she felt more and more certain the way the cat was smiling at her was not usual.

"Very well," said the cat pleasantly, "If you feel that strongly, I wo'n't sell it. I promise never to sell my bank."

"Oh, good. Thank you kindly," said the girl, curtseying a little. "People do so rarely listen," she thought, "So one ought to be grateful when they do."

"I'm sure we shall become fast friends," said the cat, "Perhaps you would like to buy some of my bank if I sell it."

"But you just said you would'n't sell your bank!"

"Well, I've not decided to sell it. But I may do so later. I shall let you know once I've considered the matter."

"You promised not to sell it!"

"And I sha'n't. Then afterwards, when I'm finished not selling it, I may do."

"Are you going to sell it or not?"

"I'm never going to sell it, for now."

"But that's a contradiction!" she said. "You can't say that!"

"I rather think I can. I'm quite sure I've said 'that' any number of times, and it's never given me the least trouble."

"I mean, you can't say the thing you just said."

"Who's being contradictory now?" said the cat, and began to clean itself rather smugly.

The girl stamped her foot, despite herself. "But it's different to what you said before!"

"It means the same, does'n't it?"

"No it does'n't!"

"Oh, but it does," said the cat.

"When one says 'never', it means 'never', not 'until one changes one's mind'!"

"Goodness me, I should think not. When I say 'never', you must understand the longest idea of forever I can entertain is three years or thereabouts. Think of me as a unnaturally large goldfish. So really I've been quite unequivocal. I'm currently never going to sell it, but I may be going to sell it soon, soon."

"The question is," said the girl, "whether people will let you use words that way."

"The question is," said the cat, "who is to be master – that's all."

"Who is to be master?" she repeated in astonishment.

"Not," said said the cat, looking the girl up and down, "You. I imagine."

"This is beginning," said the girl, "to get old quite quickly."

"Dear me, I hope it is'n't. I have'n't made any provision for its superannuation."

"Oh, this has nothing to do with anything!" she shouted.

"Certainly not," said the cat. "Eventually I will sell the bank or not sell it, and then it will matter. In between times – here you are, arguing with a cat."

At this point the girl became so exasperated that she took up a stone and threw it at the animal with every intention (though later she might have denied it) of dashing its brains out. Yet the stone seemed to pass straight through, and then bounce off a tree, and it all somehow ended with stone hitting the girl in the face quite firmly.

"It's as though," she thought as she touched her nose to confirm it was intact, "he has no substance at all, just a smile. Though he must have some substance, as I think his fur is perhaps a touch more ruffled than before."

Then, to show she had not been beaten, she said, "I'm sure I could do you some proper damage eventually."

"I suppose you could," the cat replied, "I suppose it depends on how sore you're prepared to make your face. Oh, do let's be friends. I've always liked you."

"Really? When was the first time you liked me?"

"Now. Look, if it makes you feel better, I shall promise never to sell the bank."

"But do you mean always-never or for-a-little-while-never?"

"Yes. I mean one thing or the other. Oh, do'n't go," said the cat (for the girl was indeed beginning down the path again), "I promise to always never sell my bank, for as long as I remain a cat. There now."

The girl hesitated.

"Do you mean to stop being a cat?" she asked.

"Perhaps. But if I do, I sha'n't be able to sell my bank."

"Very well then. But you're not making me trust you."

"Oh, as to that, you shall simply have to try harder. I cannot make you, and I cannot trust me for you. Personal responsibility, you know."

"But this promise is really just the same promise you made in the beginning!"

"And did I break that promise?"

The girl felt this deserved a very short answer but she wasn't quite able to think of one.

"These riddles are infuriating!" she exclaimed.

"Do you find it a puzzle? If you like, I could let you have the key."

"I don't," said the girl as she turned and continued down the path, "think that would help at all."

"Still walking, I see," she heard the cat say behind her. "There's no helping some people."

Very soon the plants beside the path became more orderly and well-tended. In fact, the girl became quite certain she could see a vineyard not very far ahead. It looked, she thought, quite promising.

...

Lyndon Hood - wereroach, Wellington

2010-06-02T14:18:00.001+12:00

Werewolf 12 » From The Hood : Some more of me polemics

I will of course tip my hat to Don Marquis for archy and mehitabel.

It's been a while since I read any, apart from hasty and incomplete efforts to check my style for the above column. But I remember the the enthusiastic wordplay in the service of a wry exploration of the human condition through nonhuman means.

Two antennea up.

Sweeping Taxonomy Changes Planned For Budget 2010

2010-05-19T16:03:00.002+12:00

http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL1005/S00152.htm

Click for big version

What may have begun as a typographic error has been embraced by the Government, with the budget tipped to see a sweeping "rebalancing" of the taxonomy system.

The biological classification system, which arranges all living organisms by ranks such as kingdom, genus and species, has remained largely unchanged since the introduction of the domain level under the Labour Government. Business and financial interests have argued the system is due a shake-up.

A recent report revealed New Zealand has some of the lowest taxonomy rates in the OECD.

Along with a host of minor changes, archaea are likely to be formally classified as part of the bacteria kingdom, abandoning the 'domain' level of classification. Finance Minister Bill English has previously indicated he sees this upper taxonomic bracket as inducing unnecessary compliance costs.

"Nine long years of organism-filing mismanagement has left us with a legacy of thousands of unclassified samples," said English. "Labour claims there are tens of millions species on the planet but when you go and look you find almost all of them are entirely undiscovered. They knew about this growing problem and did nothing. Even during the recession the world has been discovering dozens of species a week. Without some hard changes, that is unsustainable."

"Ongoing uncertainty in the area of unicellular microorganisims is damaging economic growth. You'll have to wait until Budget day, but I can say taxonomists not having to faff about with the difference between Archaebacteria and Eubacteria would boost productivity as much as any other change we'll make."

Ease of processing would also reduce widespread taxonomy avoidance, English said.

Challenged on whether the classification of living organisms was a matter for the Minister of Finance, English said that, if Police Minister Judith Collins could be responsible for the justice-related three strikes bill, he didn't want to be left out. Also reflecting the three-strikes process, the species-reclassifications would be made with no input from the Ministry of Research, Science and Technology.

Prime Minister John Key explained that the scientific discipline of biological taxonomy "is the Government's business, actually."

Key would not confirm plans to classify members of the mammal subclass prototheria as aves struthioniformes apterygidae, but pointed out that making the marsupials and montremes technically kiwis would be consistent with the Government's plans to catch Australian by 2020.

"Besides," said a visibly enthusiastic Key, "Kangaroos had two legs. And platypuses have beaks, so it's not really that much of a stretch. I've made my expectations very clear and I don't foresee any problems."

Key conceded that experts in the field might consider such changes ludicrous and unsupportable. "But we did campaign on stuff like three strikes, national standards and boot camps. So that is the kind of thing voters expect from us."

He added that the changes would balance our species-categorisation responsibilities with our economic opportunities.

When asked for comment, the Prime Minister's Science Advisor Professor Sir Peter Gluckman explained that he had something in his eye.

Act leader Rodney Hide has supported the changes. "Scientists might want this system to stay the same," he said. "But who were all these systems devised by? Scientists! And we all know about scientists. You know who liked scientists? Adolf Hilter."

Labour leader Phil Goff has asserted these changes do not conform to first principles, and plans an 'axiomate the taxonomy' bus tour to highlight this discrepancy. He has "no idea" what he would do about them if elected.

Cameron Brewer of the Newmarket Business Association welcomed the changes.

Despite enquires launched earlier this year into leaks of Government plans to groups such as Forest and Bird, there will be no investigation of widespread unofficial knowledge regarding these Budget taxonomy plans among media. An unnamed source close to the Government declined to comment, for once.

The most notable public reaction to the plan is Budget-day drinking games with a drink every time the minister says "phylum".

Lyndon Hood - more the horatian type myself, Wellington

2010-05-13T09:37:00.002+12:00

I don't think I've said this here before, so here it is:

ENERGY and Resources Minister Gerry Brownlee mortified residents of Thames today as he rampaged naked through the Coromandel Peninsula township, seemingly completely oblivious to the screams of horror emanating from locals as he jogged sweatily up the main street, waving, winking and attempting to shake hands with residents, several of whom were later treated for shock.

That's what we've been missing. Someone really vicious.

RABID FIRE. Does what it says on the packet.

A Tale Of Two Peters

2010-05-05T17:47:00.006+12:00

Peter's On First

Or, All's Well That Ends Welfare

Satire by Lyndon Hood (and a hat-tip to Rory MacKinnon) [Update: ... and of course, to Paula Bennett's press sec.]
http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL1005/S00042.htm

Image: Morgue

Scoop follows in the footsteps of Campbell Live by securing an 'exclusive interview' with the Minister of Social Development Paula Bennett on the naming of the shadowy Professor Peter Saunders as an expert for the Welfare Working Group.

In this case, an interview so exclusive the even the Minister doesn't know about it.

Which means it may be in good company.

***

Scoop: So you announced one of your experts for the Welfare Working Group was the Professor Peter Saunders of the Centre for Independent Studies.

Bennett: Yes.

Scoop: Yet in the House the other day you talked about the Professor Peter Saunders who wrote 'Welfare to Work'.

Scoop: Who is a different guy.

Bennett: To who?

Scoop: To the other Peter Saunders.

Bennett: Well obviously in the second case I was referring to the Professor Peter Saunders who wrote 'Welfare to Work'.

Scoop: … who is a different guy to the one you appointed, right?

Bennett: Look, there's the potential for confusion here so I'll be completely clear. Professor Peter Saunders is a whole other person to the other Professor Peter Saunders. But – and I can't emphasise this enough – he is the same as himself. Put it this way: There are two Peter Saunderses, but there's actually only one of each of them. Also, I should make this clear from the start: neither of them is the Kentucky Fried Chicken Guy.

Scoop: So which one do you think you hired?

Bennett: The right one.

Scoop: The right one?

Bennett: The one we meant to appoint. Our choices included the Professor Peter Saunders who commentates on welfare or welfare expert Peter Saunders.

Scoop: But do you actually know who you appointed?

Bennett: Of course.

Scoop: Who?

Bennett: Peter Saunders.

Scoop: But there's another Peter Saunders!

Bennett: Oh we didn't appoint him. Can you imagine the confusion at meetings? What if you were getting a coffee for Peter Saunders and you got a flat white but actually it's the other one and he like lattes? How embarrassing would that be? What a ridiculous suggestion.

Scoop: So, the Peter Saunders from the CIS writes novels about the Muslim apocalypse and has said the working class are genetically stupid, do you have anything to say about that?

Bennett: I don't want to prejudice the working group's deliberations.

Scoop: So you won't be reassessing the appointment?

Bennett: Which one?

Scoop: Peter Saunders.

Bennett: There are two Peter Saunderses. Not a lot of people know that.

Scoop: The one you appointed.

Bennett: What about him?

Scoop: Will you be reassessing his appointment,

Bennett: No, because we appointed the right one.

Scoop: Who?

Bennett: Peter Saunders.

Scoop: Which one?

Bennett: Professor Peter Saunders.

Scoop: They're both Professors.

Bennett: That's right. You could get them confused if you're not careful.

Scoop: Do you have an aspirin?

Bennett: Here you go. I keep some ready. Funny, but people are always asking.

Scoop: Right. So.

Bennett: Yep.

Scoop: Let's call one Professor Peter Saunders 'Author of Welfare to Work' Professor Peter Saunders.

Bennett: Right.

Scoop: And the other one 'nutjob' Professor Peter Saunders.

Bennett: Okay.

Scoop: Which one did you mean to appoint?

Bennett: The right one.

Scoop: 'Nutjob'.

Bennett: Just because you're confused, that's no reason to call me names.

Scoop: No, 'nutjob' Peter Saunders.

Bennett: I'M not Peter Saunders. I don't think you've been following this at all.

Scoop: If you've mislead the house about which Peter Saunders you'd appointed, don't you think you should apologise?

Bennett: I said the Peter Saunders is one of the working group's advisors. And I said that Peter Saunders wrote 'Welfare to Work'. If people get confused about that it's not my fault, I didn't give them both the same name. Where are the parents, that's what I'd like to know.

Scoop: Ms Bennet …

Bennett: No, Peter Saunders. I'm Ms Bennett.

Scoop: Ms Bennet …

Bennett: There, was that so hard?

Scoop: Thank you for you time.

********

Lyndon Hood - lunar blogger, Wellington

2010-05-03T12:40:00.002+12:00

werewolf » From The Hood : Faster Liberals, Kill! Kill!

and, in things I didn't make news:

Mining files (Thoughtfulbloke: things I made)
Of note: eden.pdf - greatbarrier.pdf

Lyndon Hood - late notifier

2010-04-06T16:52:00.001+12:00

Werewolf » From the Hood: Boraxing poetical

I basically finished it on the Monday so it was kind of maddening to watch Gerry's side of the mining debate get even weirder. As, in Parliament, holding up pictures of Labour MPs in mines to show their contradictory behavior, viz: not being against all mining at the same time as not wanting to dig up the entire country.

But I had more than enough verses as it was.

So it's also occurred to me, further to the image, it's still not clear whether whether Gerry is trying to get us to dig mines or to lead us down the rabbit hole.

Anyway, between the mining and a certain person's outraged status updates on the welfare, I had a number of short, daft quotes for politicians. Which in turn required – as a matter of necessity – a rather obvious tribute to Whim Wham.

Anyone who can spot the edits since they went up wins a clearly having too much time on their hands.

Lyndon Hood, balancing actor, Wellington

2010-03-05T15:39:00.003+13:00

I've occasionally made images for Scoop in advance, on the assumption an opportunity could be found or manufactured to use it in the future.

I was so struck by the image Clair Browning launched this Pundit post with I couldn't resist doing my own version. I call it, "Balancing our Environmental Responsibilities with our Economic Opportunities".

Click to enlarge

I'll keep it here for the moment, along with this David Garrett picture, the time of which has, in fact, come, but which remains a bridge too far for the Scoop front page.

Lyndon Hood - logophile, Wellington

2010-03-02T12:45:00.002+13:00

Werewolf IX: Logo-rhythms

See also the PAS thread, which includes this thoughful suggestion.

Also, I'd just like to note Tangerinegate, complete with Hong Kong new animation goodness. See the Wiki page before it's deleted.

People, if you're going to publish stories about fruit, always check your sauces.

Lyndon Hood - one thumb up, Wellington

2010-03-01T13:03:00.002+13:00

What's Lyndon doing?

Scoop Full Coverage: Arts Festival 2010, that's what Lyndon's doing.

I always prefer organising when it's over.

Lyndon Hood - squeee, Wellington

2010-02-11T12:51:00.001+13:00

Things to blog about:

Men At Work. Will I get in trouble if I say that, when I was in Australia, I saw a kookaburra sit in an old gum tree? Post could include reference to Neil Gaiman.

The neurology of getting jokes. Could also mention Neil Gaiman.

The general use of the words 'satire' and 'caricature' with specific reference to DPF's review of Vernon God Little. Did I mention Neil Gaiman's coming to Wellington?

The way I'll be be performing in the Wellington improvathon at the Wellington Performing Art Centre on Sat, midnight to 6 and 6 to midnight shifts. Follow the increasing incoherent tweets at @WITonline. @neilhimself will almost certainly not be there.

Lyndon Hood - home again home again, Wellington

2010-02-04T13:57:00.003+13:00

werewolf » From The Hood: Think Crimes

Aphorism: Satire, like a cracker, is naturally dry and tasteless, and is perfected by the addition of cheese.

Lyndon Hood - pic-ing winner, Wellington

2010-01-08T15:35:00.000+13:00

Click to enlarge
Lyndon Hood's Pics of the Weeks: Oct to Dec '09

Lyndon Hood - student at the school of old

2010-01-06T13:31:00.007+13:00

Click to enlarge
Left: Illustration by Russell Clark; Right: Klang.

Among the various things I picked up at the DCM Book Fair was Dennis Glover's Bedside Book. I have now got to it.

Pretty much my whole impression of Glover was that he wrote 'The Magpies', which was a good thing and which led to Gary Henderson's Skin Tight, which is another good thing.

I was surpised – I had almost certainly been told but I obviously wasn't' paying attention – at his position as founder of the semi-legendary (New Zealand) Caxton Press, printers of lovely books.

As it happens, the Bedside Book (1963, Illustrated by Russell Clark, contains work dating back to the thirties) comes from AH & AW Reed. But it contains a number of vignettes on publishing life under the title 'Herewith My Manuscript'. The first – also republished in Reed's The Kiwi Laughs – concerns getting a budding poetess out of the office as quickly as possible.

But there's also typography, and I aim to talk about that.

The essay 'Some Notes On Typography' isn't, in modern terms, all that remarkable for its sentiment. Unfairly short version: type, in books, is to be read. But it would be interesting for the general public, especially since we are talking about Olden Times, before everyone had a dozen famous typefaces within arm's reach. Consider that in 1977 The Guardian pulled off an April Fool's hoax celebrating the island nation of San Serriffe, in a seven-page suppliment riddled with typographical terms.

There is some meta-jollies to be had from Glover's piece. The paragraph after the paragraph on setting up paragraphs (which "ideally, should end with not less than half a line", ends in less than half a line; the next-but one paragraph after that ends in half a hyphenated word.

Such events do occur elswhere in the book and one should be cautious about throwing stones. I myself have turned off curly-quote auto-correction because I deal in so much code.

Nonetheless: It took me till I got to the end to notice that each of the three page-turnings have a word hypenated across them. Two of those leave the first line of the paragraph widowed at the bottom of the page and in those two cases the interrupted words are 'typographers' and 'typographer' respectively. So I'm calling it deliberate.

Having noticed this, I laughed and laughed.

A first poem, 'The Author on His Book' (titled with added note: But not this one) contains the couplet:

They've set it up, those tasteful men,
in Baskerville twelve point on ten.

Possible he means ten on twelve? Although that might be difficult for the rhyming unless his text was typeset by elves.

This actual book is, according to its small print, set in Baskerville eleven point, leaded one point (what I might call eleven over twelve) with headings in Klang.

This small print, however, does not mention one particular page with four different type families on it.

I, somewhat naughtily but at least not a good image quality, reproduce Dennis Glover's 'Some Type Faces at a Glance', as an out-print item of interest to design types and old-school printers, who I suspect are often on the lookout for sample texts.

Click to enlarge

***

Something else I've been meaning to blog on, found I think at Quilters Bookshop's Ghuznee St re-opening sale. I have already written about Whim Wham but there were a couple of things Verses By Whim Wham 1943 (Progressive Publishing Society, Wellington; printed by snap! Caxton Press) made me appreciate.

Click to enlarge

The first was his dry scepticism of various propoganda pieces coming over the wire from Europe. There a various pieces to the effect of, 'Oh, close friends of Mr Hilter report he is looking increasingly unwell, eh? I suspect you made that up.'

But the main one, having only read what amount to a best-of, is his consistency. There are 46 poems in the book which I assume makes it all or most of his weekly work. And it's all that good.

I hate having awesome heroes.

(Further to the compelteness thing: In the introduction Whim Wham's New Zealand Terry Sturm says Curnow never kept copies of his Whim Wham pieces and when he decided to republish had to advertise to see if anyone had kept them. I was trying to think of some lesson to draw from that and know I'm worrying whether I should have hard copies of my stuff. The actualy publications are probably as well archived as I could do digitally, but still.)

That Was The Decade That Was

2010-01-05T15:30:00.002+13:00

That Was The Decade That Was

http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL0903/S00143.htm

January 2000 – October 2008

The New Zealand dark ages. Following the fall of the Tory Empire, Economic Vandal hordes descend from the hills and commit economic vandalism. Little record remains of this period; suffice to say, it ended badly.

Top issue was smacking children, followed closely by blocks of cheese.

November 2008

Election Day: Election delivers National Party the reigns of power. National leader John Key officially assumes title 'That Nice Mister Key'. Year One of the new calendar begins.

Act Party show surprising commitent to sustainability by recycling Roger Douglas.

17/11/08: A Victory Parade For John Key

Scoop Images: The Campaign In Pictures

December 2008

National leaps into Government, passing and introducing bills under urgency - tax cuts and lightbulbs and so on. Which, as well as getting the new laws under way quickly, has the added advantage that nobody has to think about them too hard.

All this gets little attention, as the nation is busy trying not to visualise a 'honeymoon' involving John Key, Rodney Hide, Pita Sharples and Tariana Turia.

2/12/08:Honeymoon Briefs

10/12/08: What Else Is In The Urgency Plan?

11/12/08: Recession-Weary Nation Cheered By Chaplinesque Key

January 2009

In the absence of the hoped-for assasination attempt, John Key breaks his own arm. This cements his status in the public eye as the greatest sitcom character to lead the country since Keith Holyoake.

20/1/09: My Side In The Gaza Conflict Is Right

February 2009

As part of their ongoing righteous wrath at three terms of nanny-state oppression, the National Government supports Helen Clark's bid for a top UN administration position, and begins plotting to get her as high on the New Year's honours list as possible.

At his employment summit John Key is particularly taken by the idea of a "Notional Cycleway", stretching from Utopia to Cloud-Cuckoo-Land. This will provide much-needed distractional stimulus so the nation won't notice that the Government's response to the recession is to do nothing.

10/2/09: Key Drops Dark Hints On Need For Urgency

20/2/09: Key Cancels "Wasteful" Employment Summit

Scoop Images: Nov 08 to Feb 09

March 2009

Manufacturing sector welcomes boost as Government announces plans to manufacture crises in ACC, welfare, etc.

Royal commission into Auckland governance recommends local councils be amalgamated into "one giant screaming sack of dissention". This project is placed in the able hands of Rodney Hide.

John Key admits giving Richard Worth "a bollocking" over conflict of interest issues raised by Worth's trip to India. Whether bollockings had anything to do with Worth's later sacking remains unclear.

If Steven Joyce love roads so much, why doesn't he marry them?

30/3/09: Collins Crush!

Honorable Mention: A. R. D. Fairburn: Roll Out The Knightcart

April 2009

The Government appoints former Finance Minister Michael Cullen to the board of major state-owned enterprise New Zealand Post. Despite spending the previous four months - and planning to spend the next 30 - blaming him for 'nine long years of missed opportunities' and asserting that anything wrong with the economy is his fault. You might question their consistency, but you can't fault their ability to shut up former finance ministers.

Education Minister Anne Tolley, in a attempt to gain 'a greater understanding of population growth in Auckland', flies over it in a helicopter. This was to be the only time she was able to effectively spin anything relating to her portfolio, and after the ride she was reportedly 'no dizzier' than she was beforehand. Sure we all laughed at the time, given the decision to impose national testing had already demonstrated a disposition to suicide missions: should it have been allowed?

18/4/09: Bananarama Outstays Welcome

May 2009

Pig farmers complain about H1N1 being referred to as 'Swine Flu', demand that it be called 'Trim Pork™ Flu'.

In unrelated news, Christine Rankin appointed to Families Commission.

John Key displays his financial-trader acumen by betting against Super Fund.

5/5/09: The Caper Of The Missing Stimulus

15/5/09: THE SUPER-CITY Or: A Political Map Of Present-Day Auckland

Scoop Images: March to May '09

June 2009

Richard Worth fired for no reason. Key cites 200-day trial period.

UK MPs' warning to NZ Parliament: “How wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the moat out of thine eye; and, behold, a housing allowance and a ministerial car is in thine own eye?”

Melissa Lee's poor showing in Mt Albert by-election should be seen in context with the performance of Rusty Kane, who came last, behind a man campaigning on the fact he lived in Wellington.

7/6/09: Werewolf - How To Misunderstand Satire

17/6/09: Political Nursery Rhymes

Scoop Images: June '09

July 2009

Clayton Weatherston beats out John Key as the man everyone can agree on.

Inspired by this approach to image management, Phil Goff proposes giving the dole to rich people.

After careful investigation of New Zealand's drinking habits and the availablity of alcohol, Law Commission wakes up with a splitting headache wondering what recommendations it made last night.

3/7/09: Referendum Decision-Making Flowchart

7/7/09: Werewolf - The Irony Of Satire

27/7/09: The Week In Brief

August 2009

Taito Phillip Field found guilty of corruption. Winston Peters confirms he plans to stand at the next election.

5/8/09: Werewolf - Sorry, No Article This Week

12/8/09: Things The Emissions Target Is Like

24/8/09: Anti-Smacking Lobby Gets "Thrashing"

September 2009

John Key goes on Letterman. News of the month, that.

Dan Brown's 'The Lost Symbol' released. SPOLIERS: Renowned symbologist Robert Langdon looks behind the symbological couch, and sure enough, there it is.

Nick Smith hands media a huge pile of Official Information Act releases on ACC and on the ETS, presumably to discourage media investigation of these subjects by implying it would involve a bunch of reading. ACC pack inculdes memo headed 'How To Improve ACC Finances By Privatising The Only Profitable Bit'.

3/9/09: Werewolf - Bullet Points Will Solve All My Structure Problems

10/9/09: Act Doesn't Feel Climate Heat

Scoop Images: July to September '09

October 2009

Taito Phillip Field Sentenced. ACC protests, legislative scrabbling and reviews. Nationals' behaviour suggesting that when they complained Labour's Emissions Trading scheme process was 'rushed' and 'flawed', it was because they thinks ETS bill should proceed in an even more hasty and shambolic manner. TVNZ makes an ad for Bill English.

Satirist comes to think absurdity of politics should be self-evident. Output suffers accordingly.

November 2009

Ban on the use of handheld mobile phones while driving comes in to force. Plans to undermine longstanding protections in the justice system, introduction of new police powers including DNA sampling, draconian new immigration bill passed, speculation that energy efficiency standards for showers weren't such an intrusion on our liberties after all.

But all these tough law-and-order measures are apparently not enough to prevent a crime wave perpetrated by anonymous celebrities.

The Don Brash-led productivity taskforce report's only surprise is they way they recommended exactly what you'd have thought they would. Oscar Wilde rises from the grave to describe the report as “The incorrigible in pursuit of the untenable”. Not his best effort, but considering most zombies just go 'hurr' or 'braaains', one can hardly complain.

Police oaths bill sees urgency used to pass legislation which is actually urgent.

4/11/09: Werewolf - News beyond our own

11/11/09: ETS Amendment Submission

December 2009

Following November's 'March for Democracy', Larry Baldock's referendum for binding referenda is released. Space does not permit us to reprint the question in full, but it's fair to say it's not as snappy as the one about being allowed to hit your kids. And - in a feat which is both impressive and ironic - it has even lower chances of getting someone to act on the outcome.

Minds of world leaders may have been more concentrated if Copenhagen had been held somewhere warm.

Whanganui issue and flag-flying raises Maori issues in the public eye. Why can't Hone Harawira be more like that nice Pita Sharples? Now there's a man who knows his place.

Nation politely feigns gratitude after unwrapping presents from Government. “Oh, a series of Christmas-rush policy announcements, some of which are quite alarming! Just what I wanted!”

World travel security thrown into paniced lockdown by a man who set his own pants on fire.

2/12/09: Werewolf - Relax, Everything's Fine!

11/12/09: Travel Ideas For MPs

*********

Lyndon Hood - promoting himself so you don't have to, Wellington

2009-12-17T16:57:00.000+13:00

Hood's Pics of the Weeks: July to September '09

Travel Ideas For MPs

2009-12-11T12:00:00.002+13:00

http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL0912/S00102.htm

Click to enlarge

With just a few days of Parliament left, MPs will – if they’re anything like me – be thinking about planning their summer break.

Ah, the traditional MP’s Christmas: the enforced seizure and redistribution of presents, the community-controlled opening of new liquor bottles, the crabby aunts trying to exaggerate your liabilities, the endless round of coup-plotting barbecues, and the chance to spend some time getting away from it all.

Always keen to help, Scoop provides a few holiday suggestions below.

And remember: The Minister is happy to take credit for the holiday New Zealanders will have, but the going back to work afterwards is due to market factors beyond her control.

***

Once the diplomatic traffic clears out, Copenhagen promises a magical Christmas, as the glittering fragments of shattered hopes and broken dreams swirl prettily in the moonlight.

Or try anywhere else Obama goes.

Pop over to Darwin and make a point of remarking how warm it is, thus annoying creationists and climate change deniers at the same time.

Pay a visit to Alaejos, Spain, which according to Scoop’s calculations is the global antipode of Wellington. So it is – in an interesting coincidence – both the place you go when sent as far away from the Beehive as possible, and also where you end up if you find yourself in a hole and keep digging. Handy for Paris.

Bridge the trans-Tasman gap and take a trip to Sydney. Now, frankly, if you want to reach Australia by 2010, you'll have to make some hard choices. Your current business-as-usual method of walking will never get you there. You must therefore embrace my plan of building big cardboard wings for your car and driving it off Cape Reinga as fast as you can.

Wander around our pristine wilderness, asking tourists what they think, then saying things like “That’s all very well, but think of the untapped mineral wealth!”

Put your travel perk to good use: Research! Go check out The Swedish Model. If your spouse is likely to become suspicious, consider meeting the Swedish Model in Thailand or something.

You might end up in a tropical paradise, drinking cocktails in the sun and getting back rubs from our trained staff. You’re pretty relaxed about that possibility.

Whanganui.

Go see some glaciers, before they melt. Stupid glaciers! Don’t they know they’re being played?

Take a trip to that country most beloved of politicians, Monomania.

Wherever you’re off to this summer, if you’re, for example, the Minister of Education, perhaps you might consider never coming back.

Suppose you normally go to Turangi. Well what you do is, have an advisory board suggest you go to Greenland. That way, when you decide to go to Hawaii, everyone will think you are a model of restraint.

Government MPs always want to go there, much as they might call for sanctions while in opposition: Cross the border to Nanny State!

Take a fact-finding tour of Zimbabwe, Nazi Germany and Stalinist Russia. That way, next time you’re reaching for a comparison about having to use decent lightbulbs, you might keep things in perspective.

********

Lyndon Hood - cooler than vampires, Wellington

2009-12-02T17:25:00.001+13:00

Werewolf 6 is now online.

What is my thing about? I’d say it’s about 800 words.

Getting past 200 or so was a bit of a strain, actually. Plus what with various things I never actually proofed it, but hopefully someone else did.

Encouraged yet?

Oh, and if someone is DDoS-ing us, would you please stop?

Lyndon Hood - also ends in *itter, Wellington

2009-11-25T11:17:00.002+13:00

@lyndonhood. I fear this will end badly.

And, in some blog-only content, I can announce that I am not in fact this Lyndon:

... though that does not exclude the possibility that I am, irrespective, wicked.

Lyndon Hood - bitter emitter

2009-11-22T19:07:00.002+13:00

When I filled out my electoral form after moving house, I didn't put 'satirist'. This is partly to do with the proportion of my time actually allocated to satire, partly because the orange election man might have thought me frivolous, but also because I decided that a proper satirist would probably put something else.

In the end I believe I put 'journalist', which now I think about it is probably ironic enough to fit the bill. I don't produce a whole lot of news, either.

I do work for the media. So you'd think I'd know better (and that I might not say so) but recent events have impressed me upon me the general media's ability to get things exactly wrong.

About this hundred billion dollars.

Now, I am not an expert. The fact that my most recent piece on the ETS went up the day before the unfairness in the ETS was all over the front of the Herald( Brain Fallow , BTW, is an example of someone excluded from allegations of not-knowing-what-he's-talking-about) was not due to planning, except in so far as I timed it for a lull in the Harawira saga.

Nor do I claim any particular magic in the way that column was about a certain hundred billion dollars, several days before the Treasury advice came out. A calculation on that order had, for example, already been mentioned in Parliament. Though something else put it at the front of my mind. If you're keen, you'll probably be able to work out what.

However, it does mean that one thing I do know is what that figure represents.

(Actually, I could be wrong, since I know little else. But the best sources are consistent with my belief. Feel free to correct me.)

It is not the revised 'cost of fighting climate change'. Or the ETS. It is not the cost to the economy of anything.

It's certainly not New Zealand's Kyoto obligation. Nick Smith actually argues we are currently in credit, though there would seem to be creative accounting involved. I considered it a clue when we went from a billion-odd dollars in Kyoto deficit to a small credit now there's a new Government, and Smith claimed this was due to forests planted in the 90s.

The economic George has probably has an impact. But at current prices Fallow says our Kyoto obligation will be of the order of two billion dollars, and no country currently has any obligations after 2012.

But you could be forgiven for thinking the hundred bil. was one of those things if you read the headlines, listened to the teasers, or, indeed, read some of the articles.

What the hundred billion is, is an estimate of the fiscal impact of National's changes to the ETS, taken through to 2050. It's the effect on the Government books, as compared to Labour's ETS – which what we currently have.

An impact that's about double what they were saying it would be.

As I said

That’s one hundred billion dollars less incentive for the economy to reduce carbon emissions, and one hundred billion dollars less money for tax cuts, hip operations, trips to Hawaii, buying Kyoto credits and so on.

Of course, it's also one hundred billion dollars less price rises in carbon-intensive stuff. All other things being equal, it's shifting the cost from the consumer to the taxpayer (but the whole idea of an ETS is for all other things to not be equal).

The whole idea of an ETS is to put a market-driven price on carbon. A hundred billons less of that and all.

This is making the ETS a hundred billion dollars smaller, and all those billions are for the emitting side of the ledger.

That's estimated, with a number of variables like carbon price unknown, and subject to future review of the regime. But you'd think a Government would try to get it as right as they could the first time rather than dismissing the issue.

The changes in question are the amount of free emission credits, particularly for industry and agriculture. The phase-out of free credits would be much slower, there's some kind of two-for-one deal, there's a cap on the (local ETS's) price of carbon and the scheme becomes intensity-based – so it's not actually about how much you emit, but how efficient you are. I can see that asdding up rather quickly.

I'm not saying it's exactly straightforward. There were two other people in hearing range of my half of the discussion when I talked to bFM about this, and I subsequently had to explain it again to them both.

Anyhow, let's all get that one thing right from now on.

If you're still having trouble you might check the various ways I said it to PC. I would have thought taking one hundred billion dollars less of a tax raised in the name of a cause he doesn't believe in, might have been something he would be broadly in favour of, so I kept trying. [Looking for that link on PC, I see the emails thing. I only have one point here and it's not about that. I haven't looked into it but I suspect if the story really was that big then the money quotes found in years of emails would be better.]

A few other thoughts:

Irrespective of whether the ETS makes a profit for the Government of not – and whether you call it a 'subsidy' or 'foregone income' – all that money comes off the national Treasury's bottom line and onto the national debt.

It was apparently estimated the Labour scheme as a whole would make a profit for the Government. National said they are aiming for the ETS as a whole to be fiscally neutral. So if their calculations were really out by fifty billion, that would put the taxpayer about 50 billion in hock for having the ETS at all. I think that definitely is a subisdy, and not just 'forgone income'.

Also: Isn't the ETS huge, that you can fiddle with a couple of sectors and produce numbers that are a decent chunk of the GDP?

And: I haven't checked, but to be fair to Treasury I think they are correcting the Ministry for the Environment's estimates and not their own. So it's a whoopsie for the Government, but not Treasury. The fact the Select Committee got this advice of the Friday and reported on the Monday is apparently more a product the Government's haste than anything else.

(The say they want it in place for Copenhagen – but we have an ETS that's rather more likely to impress people as it is. They want their changes in place before the start of next year, when the current one that nobody's been preparing for is still due to come into force.)

Extra for experts: Keep an eye out for people assuming cuts to free emissions credits are the same as emissions cuts. Such as for example when Nick Smith says their free credit phase-out is consistent with a -50% by 2050 emissions target.

Lyndon Hood - Lapsed Shylock, Wellington

2009-11-18T14:31:00.003+13:00

More from the abuse-of-classical-sources files:

Getting things right for farmers and New Zealand

“I am a farmer. Hath not a farmer eyes?

Hath not a farmer hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions? Fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, healed by the same means, warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer as townies?

If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die?”

Which, as we all know, continues...

… and if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that.

If a Jew wrong a Christian, what is his humility? Revenge! If a Christian wrong a Jew, what should his sufferance be by Christian example? Why, revenge!

The villainy you teach me I will execute, and it shall go hard but I will better the instruction.

Charming.

Submission On ETS Amendment Bill

2009-11-11T15:25:00.003+13:00

http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL0911/S00126.htm

Click to enlarge

I wish to make a submission on the Climate Change Response (Moderated Emissions Trading) Amendment Bill. Official submissions have closed, but that’s all right, as I mean to to publish my mine here, where someone who cares might read it.

I OPPOSE the Climate Change Response (Moderated Emissions Trading) Amendment Bill.

1. While its purpose is laudable, I believe the mechanism is inappropriate.

2. The most notable change brought about by this bill would be giving polluters, to 2050, one hundred billion dollars ($100 000 000 000), money which under the scheme as it stands would go to the Government. (See figure 1.)

3. That’s one hundred billion dollars less incentive for the economy to reduce carbon emissions, and one hundred billion dollars less money for tax cuts, hip operations, trips to Hawaii, buying Kyoto credits and so on.

4. As I say, I am right behind that idea, but the proposed system for delivering the money is unnecessarily complicated.

Click to enlarge
[figure 1]

5. Since, under the proposed intensity-based system, polluters will be able to gain credits by reducing emissions and by increasing them – why not just hand these industries a great big cheque?

6. In these difficult times, with the government fighting a “decade of deficits” and wondering how to pay for ACC, I think the nation would be cheered by the spectacle of Nick Smith handing polluters a giant novelty cheque for one hundred billion dollars.

7. A giant novelty cheque made of coal.

8. No no no – made of diamonds.

9. By the way, I apologise if I’ve said anything racist. Apparently I’ve got no idea what counts as racism. Judging by what everyone else says, I tend to mistake it for someone’s self-serving justification of their own sense of entitlement. Which is, in itself, less despicable and – perhaps even among politicians – more common.

10. Also, if a reporter can’t tell the difference between a simple declaration and a rhetorical exaggeration wrapped in a conditional statement, they should be shot.

11. Where was I?

12. I may be mistaken about the purpose of this bill. It might be that it is not designed to hand vast amounts of cash to industry.

13. Perhaps it is done out of enthusiasm of global warming. Or the National Party’s much-voiced antipathy to Government surpluses.

14. If the second option is the case, I suggest we should pour the money into a hole in the ground.

15. As well as minimising transaction costs, this would sequester the carbon content of five billion (5 000 000 000) twenty dollar notes.

16. I release that may be of little – even entirely rhetorical – benefit to net New Zealand carbon emissions. But even that much would be an improvement on the current bill.

17. I do not wish to speak to my motherf*****g submission.

********

Lyndon Hood - vs vampires, Wellington

2009-11-04T16:58:00.009+13:00

Werewolf V is here.

I wrote a thing for it. It is not all entirely true.

I’m not a great one for keeping commitments made on this blog, but I think I can improve on one column every two months. I don’t think it was just me; is it something in the air? I took to saying they seemed daft enough at the moment without me pointing it out.

Also, it’s been busy at the office. I have done a bit of work in the humour line which may possibly see the light of day at some point.

Anyhow, speaking of press releases, in the meantime I saw In The Loop at the cinema and managed to catch Live At Six at Bats. (Incidentally, I have never been on the Bats waiting list and failed to get in.)

These are interestingly parallel and basically realistic condemnations of the state of mass-consumer politics and media respectively. It’s probably historical utopianism, but those institutions seem to have done for debate the same thing supermarkets did for food.

They also both featured a terrifyingly capable amoral PR fixer, a type which now I think about it is a satire almost by itself. Though In The Loop also made a point of being cruel to him, which was nice.

Another thing they had in common was they made Lyndon feel inadequate.

Note to self: write more stuff.

Arts Festival looks good, by the way (I refer to the programme rather than the visual identity). And I'm not just saying that because of all their wine I drunk at the launch. We will be soliciting reviewers in due course...

Click to enlarge

Lyndon Hood - correspondent, Lower Hutt

2009-10-29T09:15:00.000+13:00

The Magnamail envelope said I should contact them if it had been tamper with. Maybe I should do that, because I opened it, and it was full of shit.

Lyndon Hood - bloody sampley, Wellington

2009-10-15T17:27:00.000+13:00

Read carefully:

A Bill to help Police solve more crime by expanding the collection and use of DNA samples passed its second reading in Parliament last night.

The Criminal Investigations (Bodily Samples) Amendment Bill allows police to collect DNA from people they 'intend to charge', and to match it against samples from unsolved crimes.

Note Simon Power's scare-quotes.

"Ah yes, Sir," says the policeman, "We 'intend to charge' you. Now roll your sleeve up."

Lyndon Hood - facial pic collector

2009-10-09T12:01:00.005+13:00

Gerald Depardieu??

Plus: Helen Clark = Posh Spice. At least, that's the first female result...

[UPDATE:
Orange Election Man = Wil Ferrell, Valerie Perrine in nightdress, Superman. Interesingly, Perrine was in Superman II.
Me = bunch of random guys, Jay Leno.

UPDATE UPDATE:
Bother - turns out the links DO expire. Apologies. May try and sort something later...

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE:
If you still care, you can try saving then feeding Picollator the following:
Me - me_3_face.jpg = SUPERMAN!!! or possibly Lois
(more may follow once I find the pics I actually used)]

Lyndon Hood - insufficiently self-promoted

2009-10-02T17:23:00.002+13:00

You should come to the New Zealand Improv Festival!

7-10 Oct at Bats! Showcasing improv from NZ, and Melbourne too!

Late night shows at Fringe Bar!

Workshops (including beginners's's!)!

!

Lyndon Hood - recreational whisher, Wellington

2009-09-18T09:40:00.004+12:00

Questions time yesterday:

Paua—Changes to Harvesting Regulations

12. CHRIS TREMAIN (National—Napier) to the Minister of Fisheries: What recent changes to regulations have been made to address the issue of illegally harvested pāua?

Hon PHIL HEATLEY (Minister of Fisheries): Changes to the amateur regulations will now make it illegal to hold more than two times the daily limit of pāua, or the equivalent in meat weight, and that includes in one’s freezer or in one’s international *carry-on. This is just another tool for the *Ministry of Fisheries to target those who traffick in illegally caught pāua.

Chris Tremain: What reports has the Minister seen regarding this policy?

Hon PHIL HEATLEY: A lot of support for this regulation has come through the submission process. Fisheries officers will not go looking through anyone’s freezer for no good reason. I need to make that very clear. I want to reassure our recreational fishers that if Ministry of Fisheries officers are knocking on their door and asking to look in their freezer, it is highly likely that they are the target of a sting operation.

Very "reassuring". Surely Labour would have been crucified for this? Or does paua = maori?

Speaking of which:

Wat the whuck?

Michael Laws' odd outburst at the end of his Campbell Live I/V does sort of make sense, apart from the not-making-sense, if he'd planned it in advance and realised the interview was about to end. Winston taught him well.

Climate Science: Act Doesn’t Feel The Heat

2009-09-10T17:17:00.001+12:00

Lyndon Hood: Act Doesn’t Feel Climate Heat

Click to enlarge

The Act party, in their minority report on the recent review of the emissions trading scheme, have argued that man-made global warming should not be considered a threat. Because they know better.

Thanks to a memo we found stuck to our shoe after leaving the Parliament toilet block, Scoop can now reveal some other policies that Act plans based on this attitude to mainstream science.

ITEM: Disestablish crown research institutes like GNS Science and AgResearch; have Rodney date rocks and sequence cow genomes using his common sense.

ITEM: Unequivocally condemn fire-bombing the offices of one’s enemies. People you disagree with should be burned at the stake.

ITEM: Nuclear power plants + massive deregulation → radioactive waste everywhere → we all get awesome superpowers.

ITEM: “Teach the controversy” on John B’s perpetual motion machine.

ITEM: Establish PPP project to build a tunnel through the Earth’s crust, so we can exploit the resource-rich realms of its hollow interior.

ITEM: Do we really need more policies? Because at this rate every one of our Parliamentary Questions until the election will be about ‘a light smack for the purpose of correction’.

ITEM: Increase productivity by having everyone leave saucers of milk out at night.
• will promote the dairy industry.
• will free up labour by encouraging elves to do the housework.

ITEM: Except we won’t have a dairy industry, because we’ll have swapped all our cows for magic beans.

ITEM: Get everyone magnetic underlays instead.

ITEM: Any demonstrated warming of climate can be mitigated by the cooling fan-effect of everyone face-palming when Act makes pronouncements about climate science.

Lyndon Hood - Increasingly hairy, Wellington

2009-09-04T11:45:00.003+12:00

Having actually completed and formatted my piece for the new werewolf (some hours after the publication launch), I though I'd send myself some linky love.

Persistent readers may wonder if I've run out of meta-satirical observations mined out of previous blog posts.

I couldn't possibly comment.

Lyndon Hood - watching, Wellington

2009-08-28T12:49:00.001+12:00

Do NZ Politicians Know The Real Truth???!!!??

John Key, TVNZ Breakfast, August 10: "If you look at what drove 9/11, those people who put together all those explosive devices..."

Left New York in 2001! Coincindence? Or happenstance?

Hone Harawira, at the Māori Expo in Auckland, August 27: “If a Native American, born on a reservation, can become an astronaut, a kid from Kaikohe can be president of the United States.”

Kaikohe? I thought he was from Kenya!

Anti-Smacking Lobby Gets "Thrashing", Still Refuses To Behave

2009-08-24T15:16:00.001+12:00

Lyndon Hood: Anti-Smacking Lobby Gets "Thrashing"

Opponents of the smacking referendum have been left nursing their wounds after being seriously thrashed in the recent referendum. But despite this beating, they refuse to do what they're told - and continue to act just as lippy, if not more so.

No-vote Lobbyists have been left wondering how big a whipping it would take for these people to learn.

"We're looking for any other instruments we can use to induce compliance," said Larry Baldock, who organised the initial petition. "We'll kick a few ideas around. If the right tool comes to hand I'll give anything a bash."

Baldock has threatened Prime Minister John Key with a similarly heavy pounding at the next election if Key does not do as he's told. "We don't want to, but if Mr Key won't behave, we'll have no choice," said Baldock. "He needs to learn the consequences of his actions."

Mr Key is expected to make some sullen and half-hearted effort to distract Baldock's attention and then run away.

The child advocacy groups who supported the yes vote must surely be bruised, battered and bleeding after their crushing smack-down. But apparently they are used to being abused. This latest walloping - where they were figuratively thrown to the floor and kicked into unconsciousness - has not made them see reason.

But they also refused to admit they were wrong when threatened with a loaded question, so I guess they just won't learn.

The no-vote campaign argued for parents' right to impose discipline with a gentle, loving smack, that has no consequences for the smackee apart from a sense they have been kissed by a pink marshmallow. They agree that the next step must be to deal with New Zealand's serious problem of violence against children.

***

In related news, a shock agreement is expected between Larry Baldock - who believes a smacking defence can be restored by deleting parts of Section 59 - and Sue Bradford - who initially planned to remove any smacking defence by deleting Section 59.

Speculation that Larry Baldock has no idea what he's talking about is unconfirmed as of press time.

*******
***

Lyndon Hood - Gobsmacked, Wellington

2009-08-20T16:09:00.001+12:00

I'm just trying to work out if there's a live thread on the PA forum form complaining about Larry Baldock, because, I mean, really:

He proposes simply deleting two clauses in the Bradford law - the key clause banning the use of force for correction, and another stating that the ban on correction prevails over a clause permitting force to prevent harmful, criminal, disruptive or offensive behaviour and to perform "the normal daily tasks that are incidental to good care and parenting".

Mr Baldock said his proposal, unlike the Boscawen bill, would let parents hit their children with instruments such as a wooden spoon.

"I'm not opposed to the wooden spoon or ruler because you can control things with that better than you can with an open hand."

Now, firstly, I wouldn't think this was the moment for advocating the second-kitchen-drawer method of discipline.

But the main thing is - surely - if you amended the law as he suggests... much as I'm sure he thinks a periodic belting is part of "the normal daily tasks that are incidental to good care and parenting"... if you deleted (2) and (3) I wouldn't have thought it would make the difference he wants it to: there would still be not actual defence for smacking.

[Mind you, I'm someone who thinks (1) does not allow punishment so much as actual prevention such as restraint or removal of the child. Which makes the law both more stringent and less confusing than I've heard it made out to be. OTOH, I wouldn't think (2) overrides any other defences for assault.]

But my main point was: Not Larry's most un-counter-productive interview, there.

Things The Emissions Target Is Like

2009-08-12T12:45:00.003+12:00

http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL0908/S00094.htm

'The Carbon (Policy) Cycle'
Click to enlarge

The New Zealand Government has announced its plan for 2020 carbon emissions. It wants to achieve (or buy) the equivalent of cuts to at least 10% below 1990 levels. Or, if the rest of the developed world cuts 30-40%, we will agree to cut up to 20%.

Minister will have trouble explaining why this isn't either inconsistent, selfish or openly hypocritical. To help them out, here is a list of handy analogies to help the public understand New Zealand's target.

It's like when the alarm goes off, and you decide to lie in bed for a bit, then you go back to sleep and when you wake up it's like 9:30 and it would be embarrassing to actually go to work but you can't really call in sick, so you phone the boss and say you're going to "work from home". Like that.

It's like the All Blacks. You would think we'd be used to being disappointed by now.

It's like the new Cadbury's blocks, in that, although some insist a bigger one would be too expensive, teenage girls everywhere know it's not enough.

It's like what we've come to expect from a New Zealand government, but with the added indignity of petulant demands that everyone else save the world for us.

It's like that bit in Duck Soup when Groucho says, "Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot."

Because it's a joke. And the more you think about it, the worse it gets.

It's like a wallet and probably a Blackberry but maybe an iPhone.

Because it's what you'd expect to find when you're in the pocket of big business.

It's like Michael Jackson's much-anticipated follow-up to his hit album 'Thriller'.

'Bad'.

It's like something that can't even commit to exactly how much it's going to cop out and seems intended to derail international negotiations. I can't actually think of an analogy for this, but it needed saying.

[Update: It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a credible, good-faith negotiating position.]

It's like something that's a national embarrassment and flies directly in the face of our overseas image. Russell Crowe?

It's like an area of lower relative air pressure.

Because it sucks.

As Wikipedia puts it: "Quincy Magoo is a wealthy, short-statured retiree who gets into a series of sticky situations as a result of his nearsightedness, or myopia, compounded by his stubborn refusal to admit the problem. Affected people (or animals) consequently tend to think that he is a lunatic, rather than just being nearsighted."

It's like certain 'Honourable Members'. It's big enough to shaft you, but not big enough to produce any of the expected benefits.

We are going to cut our emissions less than we expect everyone else to because of our unique situation. This is called 'special pleading'.

It's like Clayton Weatherston.

It's like going around wearing headlamps, ropes and carabiners and so on.

Because it reminds everyone that we have a history of caving.

********

Lyndon Hood - not before time, Lower Hutt

2009-08-06T20:17:00.002+12:00

Quote of the Day: "Thats The Way You Do It!"

Noticed this a while back, from Henry Mayhew's no-doubt fascinating immersion into 1840s street life London Labour and the London Poor, and I don't recall sharing.

I was going to mention it in the context of my Punch and Judy researches. I'm clearly falling behind in my bloggage.

It's just struck me that, about a week ago, it would have been doubly topical.

Mayhew gets a lesson from on high theatre from the Punch and Judy Man:

Otheller murders his wife, ye know, like Punch does. Otheller kills her, 'cause the green-eyed monster has got into his 'art, and he being so extremely fond on her; but Punch kills his'n by accident, though he did not intend to do it, for the Act of Parliament against husbands beating wives was not known in his time. A most excellent law that there, for it causes husbands and wives to be kind and natural one with the other, all through the society of life.

And in the spirit of catching up, you'll be reassured to see picture of me in a Punch mask I made:

Lyndon Hood - thrice bitten, Wellington

2009-08-05T14:33:00.001+12:00

Werewolf III is upon us. I have something that might (just secretly) be satirical.

New Hood: Sorry, No Article This Week

Hopefully, I'll have more to say on this. You may notice it's another case of me being influenced by my reading material.

The Week In Brief

2009-07-27T14:19:00.005+12:00

http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL0907/S00296.ht

Click to enlarge

Health: Controversy Over Mandatory Fortification Of Bread With "Wheat"

Prime Minister John Key has stalled plans for the mandatory inclusion of "wheat" in bread.

"Wheat" is a naturally-occurring substance, rich in protein and carbohydrates. It also includes fibre and nutrients such as iron, zinc and vitamin B9 (also known as folic acid) which are not found in most New Zealand bread. Wheat is added to baked goods in many European countries.

Only organic bread would have been exempt from the requirement.

There has been a growing media storm over the issue. After mixed messages from Food Safety Minister Kate Wilkinson, Key stepped in and decisively announced further consultation followed by three more years of just basically doing nothing.

While public health experts are in favour of fortification, some opponents have described this plan to give everyone medication as 'mass medication'.

Food industry representatives praised Key's decision, saying the original idea was ridiculous.

"I mean, what's next?" asked one. "Chocolate made with cocoa butter?"

There have been no announcements on more recent plans to improve the nation's literacy by fortifying bread with spelt flour.

***

Law Reform: Power Proposes New "Being A Total Jerk" Offence

Following widespread public disapproval of the conduct of Clayton Weatherston's murder trial, Justice Minister Simon Power has announced plans for a new offence of "acting like a complete wanker".

"New Zealanders have made their opinion clear," said Power, "it's one thing to brutally murder a fellow human being. But if everyone knows you did it, you should at least pretend to be sorry. Or shut up."

"The rest of the vicious narcissistic murderers can sort that out. If somebody can't, their sentences should reflect that kind of gratuitous asshattery."

"At the end of the day, there's no law against conducting your defence as you see fit, within the rules of the court," said the Minister.

"That's a loophole we hope to clear up soon."

Power has also asked the Law Commission to investigate using the number of TV hours on a trial and its aftermath as an exacerbating factor in sentencing. TV hours are allocated partly by national importance, and partly by trained hamsters.

***

Politics: Raising Profile Maybe Not Such A Good Idea After All - Goff

Phil Goff, who according to the Labour research unit is the leader of the opposition, has reportedly spent the weekend wondering if drawing attention to himself is in fact good for his image.

Phil Goff had announced a plan of abolishing the income threshold for the dole, from which he later backtracked. In an article in the New Zealand Herald the policy had as its 'needy' poster-child a man who turned out to own several properties.

According to later versions of the article on the Herald website, the Labour Party secretly inserted the original article into the newspaper during the typesetting phase. An embarrassed Herald is reportedly considering a 'research' capability to 'investigate' future stories, though sources admit this would be radical departure. "Our subeditor is quite busy as it is," said one, "the poor thing's so stressed he's gone off his kibble".

The incident is likely to prove an ongoing political embarrassment to Labour and to hamper the party's media relations. Goff, however, intends to persevere.

"After all," he said, "the polls couldn't be worse."

"Surely."

***

Climate Change: New Zealand To Stand On Proud Record Of Doing Nothing

In the face of mounting international consensus on the need for action on climate change, New Zealand intends to rely on its reputation for vague intentions backed by no action.

After the results of widespread public consultation favour strong action, Climate Change Minister Nick Smith has explained that New Zealand's emissions target should take into account the way "we haven't done anything towards it in the past and don't want to do anything in the future."

Since human-induced climate change was recognised as a problem, New Zealand has failed to introduce a carbon tax, then briefly introduced an emissions trading scheme, until we realised it wasn't watered-down enough.

"This Government has delayed the ETS and taken a range of other policy decisions such as cutting funding for public transport," said Smith, "So really, we're starting at a disadvantage. Is that fair?"

"Let me be clear: Doing nothing is no longer an option," he said.

"The time has come to do as little as possible."

***

Welfare: Key Describes Wife As "Solo Mum"

In a hard-hitting interview with the Dominion Post, John Key has described his wife Bronagh as a "solo mother".

The Prime Minister and self-confessed deadbeat dad apparently did not mean to suggest that the mother of his children was scraping by on the DPB or a series of low-paying part time jobs without support from a father and wondering where the next meal is going to come from.

My Key later clarified his comments, say that he is quite in touch, actually.

Asked whether the "solo mum" line was written for him by a trained hamster, Mr Key answered in the affirmative, saying that he had come up with it himself.

********

Lyndon Hood - Painter man, Wellington

2009-07-21T15:16:00.001+12:00

Lyndon Hood's Pics of the Weeks: June '09

Lyndon Hood - Crotchety Old Man, Wellington

2009-07-08T14:09:00.003+12:00

Make your own referendum question.

On a related note, the latest Werewolf is out. Lyndon Hood writes, "Whine whine quote whine quote quote quote."

I imagine I put the goalposts somewhere outside the stadium on this particular question. Feel free to pop over and prove me wrong.

Referendum 2009: Decision-Making Flowchart

2009-07-03T10:35:00.004+12:00

http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL0907/S00037.htm

Today the Governor-General is due to "direct the Clerk of the Writs to proceed immediately to issue a writ to the Returning Officer for the holding of the indicative referendum".

This means that the proposer of the referendum now cannot take it back, even if they had their fingers crossed.

So the writ signals that the end of this acrimonious debate is near: the three-week voting period will begin in just 28 days, so there is a mere seven weeks of campaigning left to endure.

You probably already know what you think. But because of certain qualities of the question that may not be the same as knowing how to vote. To help you out, and to give you something to do during the dark evenings of the campaign period, Scoop has produced a handy decision-making flowchart which simplifies the process as much as is feasible.

Once voting is over, the decision for politicians will be a simpler one, revolving around the question, "Can I find an excuse not to touch this issue with a barge pole?" Perhaps the following will be of use to them, too:

Click for big version

Click for big version
PDF version
3-page PDF version (easier for printing)
SVG version (remixable!)
Made with Gliffy Online Diagram Software

********

Previously:

********

Lyndon Hood - Charmed, Wellington

2009-06-22T15:44:00.005+12:00

So when I heard the No Vote website had a cartoon page (AND clip art navigation!) I just had to go and look and I pretty much got what I expected.

Seems someone doesn't like Mike Moreu.

Hil-arious.

(Quick update: The cartoon appears to be from one Stan Blanch earlier in the year.

See this post on Moreu's blog. Particularly in the comments: "The one he drew in that family first cartoon was a much better likness. Actually, come to think of it, it looks like he just traced the face from the banner on your blog."

Moreu's summary of the business he was actually posting about at the end of the thread is also informative, and adds to the unhappy impression of Stan that you get from skimming his google results.)

This is the kind of thing that makes them look like the kind of people that the kind of people they think think like the person in the cartoon think they are.

I'm stealing their bandwidth, but I take some consolation that image loads by this blog's readership will, shall we say, not be significant.

And also, in this case, I don't care if they suffer.

Lyndon Hood - Wants to be a spider, Wellington

2009-06-17T16:40:00.003+12:00

While looking for source images for Little Miss Muffet I found out a couple of things.

The first is that if you're looking for a Miss Muffet costume that isn't a sexy Bo-Peep outfit, you'll be looking pretty (pun observed-and-not-removed) hard.

The other would be that nursery rhymes are be gothically inspiring.

Ash Sivils

Fee Harding

Paula Rego

Gerald Brom

Political Nursery Rhymes

2009-06-17T16:13:00.004+12:00

john key, richard worth">
Click to enlarge

Parliament is back from recess, so that means it must be story time...

***

Georgie Porgie pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
Georgie Porgie ran away.

The PM refused to cement
The implied connection between those events
Which left everybody rather unsure
Why a Minister and MP went out the door.

***

Melissa Lee
Went to Mt Albert
In a shower of rain.
She stepped in a puddle
Right up to her middle.
Which wasn't the last mistake she made.

***

A testfiying Thai tiler touched on Taito*;
The foreign fastener fingered Phillip Field.
Since Sunan Siriwan swore a solemn statement,
It's time to try a trial for Phillip Field.

* (a title)

***

Sing a song of tax cuts, a pocket full of nothing,
Two-odd million voters played for a muffin.
When the books were opened the Nats began to spin,
About the situation that the Government books were in.

The first round of tax cuts were mostly for the rich,
The second round was pretty much thrown in a ditch.
The election was a while ago and lots has happened since,
But can we say the end result is pure coincidence?

***

Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,
Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown,
Tapping at the window and crying through the lock,
Are all the children in their beds? I'll crush their cars, if not.

***

Mary, Mary quite contrary,
Did you notice that in his statement
Richard Worth said he'd earlier resigned as a Cabinet Minister
When he was actually a Minister outside cabinet?
Yes, I thought you'd find that amusing.

***

The Grand old Duke of York he had ten thousand men
He marched them up to the top of the hill
And he marched them down again.
When they were up, they were up
And when they were down, they were down
And when they were only halfway up
They were neither up nor down.
They were about as reliable
As the New Zealand dollar.

***

There was a crooked man and he walked a crooked mile,
He found a crooked sixpence upon a crooked stile.
He bought a crooked cat, which caught a crooked mouse.
And they all got together and started a finance company.

***

Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full!
Because my Shearer got two bags
For every one all the other candidates got.

***

Peter Peter pumpkin eater,
Had a wife and couldn't beat her
Because at some point they changed the law,
To make it no more legal to hit your wife
Than it is to hit anyone else.
I imagine it caused quite a fuss at the time.

***

"Who killed Cock Robin?" "I," said the Sparrow,
"With my bow and arrow, I killed Cock Robin."
Or, to be fastidous, that's the police's take;
I've heard the tape - I think it's gibberish.

***

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
The first little piggy gave its friends flu because it went out despite feeling ill,
The second one was trapped in sow crate,
But everyone's probably gone back to buying whatever kind of pork they normally do,
All the way home.

***

Auckland City's falling down,
Falling down, falling down,
Auckland City's falling down,
My fair Rodney.

Consider the commision for a few days,
A few hours, a few days,
Then decide to do it your way,
My fair Rodney.

First bill passed quick as can be,
As can be, as can be;
Make it a fait accompli,
My fair Rodney.

Opposition won't shut up,
Won't shut up, won't shut up.
Say, "In time for the World Cup!"
My fair Rodney.

Get a little help from Banks
Help from Banks, help from Banks,
It was bad before, but now it tanks,
My fair Rodney.

A referendum's not a go,
Not a go, not a go,
If you did that, they might vote 'No'!
My fair Rodney.

Make a committee and then stack it,
And then stack it, and then stack it,
Try the 'consultation' racket,
My fair Rodney.

Then send in Melissa Lee,
'Lissa Lee, 'Lissa Lee,
Least she's not from your party,
My fair Rodney.

Build a motorway straight through
'Way straight through, 'way straight through
That'd be a helpful thing to do,
My fair Rodney.

Your voters might feel double crossed,
Double crossed, double crossed,
That you don't care what it will cost,
My fair Rodney.

Spend their money on party central,
Party central, party central,
Circuses and... maybe lentils,
My fair Rodney.

Then tie them up with shipping cable,
Shipping cable, shipping cable,
To stop them getting in the way of your self-imposed timetable
My fair Rodney.

This Auckland stuff is a mug's game,
A mug's game, a mug's game,
Key grins, and you just get the blame
My fair Rodney.

********

Lyndon Hood - awesomestruck, Wellington

2009-06-16T13:28:00.007+12:00

By special request, Giovanni delves into his awesomeness collection and pulls out more John Heartfield (Gallery), also saying kind things about yours truly.

I may as well add that Lew called me "dependably excellent" earlier.

Don't mind me - just using a post about collages as a scrapbook.

On the occasion of the intervention of the Third Reich agasint the international caricaturists exhibition in Prague.
"The more images they take down from the walls, the more evident the truth becomes." (1934)

Lyndon Hood - recycler, Wellington

2009-06-15T15:00:00.001+12:00

Here's a link full of somethings I prepared earlier:

Lyndon Hood's Pics of the Weeks: March to May '09

Lyndon Hood - Husband, Wellington

2009-06-10T12:01:00.004+12:00

So I went and saw the last night of Blood Wedding at Circa, because I thought the play was rather good when I read it.

There's now a review up on pundit. Aside from the textual analysis, which I'll have to think about, it's eerily like what I think. But clearer.

The person who went with me, she just didn't like it at all.

Lyndon Hood - once bitten, Wellington

2009-06-08T11:22:00.002+12:00

Scoop's new publication Werewolf is now officially live with a range of articles that, as someone only incidentally involved in producing it, impresses me (mission statement here).

It includes a piece I wrote on misunderstanding satire which in retrospect I should have proofread for style, or at all.

The article also lacks links, but seeing as you're here you can scroll down the front page and find most of them (since they seemed busy putting together the first edition I didn't ask to add 100 words on the Chaser).

Update: Now with links! Turns out everyone else's links had been missed out so I got a chance to add some to my piece...

Lyndon Hood - Trialist, Wellington

2009-06-05T17:29:00.001+12:00

I'm sick of people trying to hide news by dropping it at five o'clock on a Friday night.

Lyndon Hood - in bad taste, Wellington

2009-06-05T11:34:00.005+12:00

More from the Chaser, oh yes:

Apparently Australia has not taken kindly to this.

(And TV3's decision to cover the controversy on the six-o'clock news makes me wonder if they're planning on picking up the show.)

It is, in my professional opinion, funny. Actually, after seeing bits of it on the news I was still chuckling in the morning.

More to say on the subject of misunderstanding ironical jokes soon, but here's what I think is happening:

Some people think some things just shouldn't be joked about, perhaps because 'jokes are frivilous'. Terminally ill children are quite likely to be one of those things.

This, and the fact that terminal illness is horrible, is clouding people's judgement on the difference between jokes about something and jokes at the expense of something.

But watching it I'm still bemused the question actually arose.

Actually, I can imagine being flipped over into horror by that last line, which is pretty harsh. But very much part of the whole. It certainly didn't happen to me. I laughed.

To be tedious:

Neither sick kids nor the Make-a-Wish people are being mocked. The sketch is not supposed to be, as the psychologists put it, demonstrating appropriate behaviour. As humour, it relies on taboo-breaking (much like the eulogy song), so the whole gag is that they're doing the opposite of appropriate.

It works because Make-a-Wish is good and everyone knows it.

And the attitude to kids (and to people's dreams) is so recognisable - obvious because it's out of context - that I'll call it satire and accuse the sketch in question of having depth.

I confess to the position that just because it's in bad taste doesn't make it bad comedy. And if you're not allowed to laugh in the face of death, you may as well pack up you clowns now.

Lyndon Hood, exaggerator, Lower Hutt

2009-05-21T20:13:00.002+12:00

And if you are putting on a lost Shakespeare play, I might well come and review that, as well.

Futher to the review, I feel I should admit somewhere that, while I'm pretty familiar with Shakespeare and I've read Don Quixote, any knowledge I have of Double Falsehood is based a very little web research starting with Wikipedia and some brief searches of the play text to check what wasn't in it.

THE SUPER-CITY Or: A Political Map Of Present-Day Auckland

2009-05-15T13:55:00.001+12:00

http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL0905/S00150.htm

Click to enlarge

THE SUPER-CITY*
Or: A Political Map Of Present-Day Auckland

Faster than an ELECTORAL FINANCE ACT! able to leap DUE PROCESS in a single bound with his THREADBARE cloak of JUSTIFICATION (the torn REMAINS of the ROYAL COMMISSION recommendations)! The tatters suggest room for change at the edges (and provides a FIG LEAF of "CONSULTATION") but if you have a problem with the basic fabric you'll just have to sit back and hope it FALLS APART AT THE SEAMS.

We can now reveal the SECRET IDENTITY of the man who can DESTROY WHOLE CITIES — even from the other end of the ISLAND! "There's only room for one RODNEY in this town!"

Some might wonder what fiendish bargain he made to get these POWERS. Before, he was about as much use as the TRAINEE SUPERHERO from that episode of THE TICK whose superpower was WITHERING SARCASM. Now all AUCKLAND LOCAL GOVERNMENT DECISIONS stand or fall on the WHIM of their OVERLORD!

His PINSTRIPE PAJAMAS indicate that GOVERNMENT has stirred quicky from its LONG SLUMBER to address the CRISIS in Auckland that NEEDS TO BE SOLVED RIGHT NOW. Or,that Auckland has only just WOKEN UP to WHAT IT'S IN FOR.

His SUPERHERO CHEST THINGY has been SEWN ON by his DAD — possibly even STITCHED UP. THE LETTER A stands for AUCKLAND. Also for ACRIMONIOUS and ARROGANT.

By your councils combined — he is SUPER CITY!

Got a problem with that? TOO SLOW!

* Super-[anything] is a trademark of Marvel Comics Inc. Used without permission — a choice made perhaps because "Great Auckland" would only remind people what happend to the Great Auks.

Lyndon Hood - Sour Graper, Wellington

2009-05-11T14:50:00.001+12:00

The Herald is running ads on their site at them moment encouraging people to vote for them in the Netguide awards.

This one, for example, relates to the category of "Best site for mobile devices that are embedded through your fist".

Lyndon Hood - collagist, Wellington

2009-05-11T14:26:00.001+12:00

The Extraordinary Anti-Nazi Photomontages of John Heartfield.

It's all very well knowing where ones roots are, but one wish they weren't so oppressively awesome.

[Via Boing Boing.]

Lyndon Hood - Crazy Yelling At Web Stream Guy, Wellington

2009-05-07T15:21:00.002+12:00

I have listened carefully to Rodney Hide today, talking about his answer yesterday to the (notified) question "Has he costed the Government’s super-city proposal outlined in Making Auckland Greater: The Government’s decisions on Auckland Governance; if not, why not?"

He answered "Yes".

Today Rodney was eventually, under something rather like duress from the Speaker, explained that the Auckland transition etc. has not been costed. I had gathered by that time, and Rodney subsequently clarified, that yesterday he was referring to the cost of making the proposal rather than of implimenting it.

People who deliberately break the language are not clever.

The Caper Of The Missing Fiscal Stimulus

2009-05-05T17:13:00.001+12:00

http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL0905/S00053.htm

[WARNING: SPOILERS]

Some time ago, when I happened to be in Chicago (I was being drawn into a sordid web or corruption and intrigue at the time - long story), I chanced to stop in at a used book store on the East Side.

On a whim, I purchased a old, battered notebook. As it turned out, this contained handwritten notes towards an unpublished short story (or possibly a screenplay) which I've tentatively titled "The Maltese Tax Cuts".

The story, as I reconstruct it, concerns the adventures of a hard-boiled, cynical satirist attempting discover the truth behind rumours of valuable tax cuts and fiscal stimulii - money which various ruthless, shadowy figures attempt to hijack. Eventually our hero comes to believe that they never existed at all.

I have reproduced the most legible parts of the notes - fragments really - below, and done my best to arrange them into a sensible order.

Of course I wish I knew more. Is there some unpublished manuscript or uncompleted movie (perhaps, fittingly, abandonded halfway through production when it proved too expensive)? There was nothing to indicate authorship.

I would have enquired about the notebook's provenance, except that when I returned to the shop I found it had been demolished by unscrupulous property developers.

***

She sashayed out of my life like a lady who was leaving a seat in Parliament to take up a high-ranking UN post and wasn't afraid to show it. Just don't call her a dame. That's not a title she accepts.

...

It was like an explosion in a pinstripe factory. I hadn't seen so many snakes since the reptile house, and I wasn't even past the lobby. Hungry eyes, hungry like the eyes of a reporter who'd just heard Tony Veitch had been caught kicking David Bain and Taito Phillip Field to death while coming down with swine flu.

...

"Hey yeah, Phil Goff. Whatever happened to him?"

...

"Maybe I shouldn't have promised to cut your taxes like I did," she said, "Maybe I shouldn't have done a lot of things!"

She looked up at me, mad as hell. Dames. One minute they're spinning your wheels, next minute they're crushing your car.

...

"So the stimulus is real?"

He smiled at me. One of those puppy-dog smiles that reminds you puppy-dogs are descended from wolves.

"It certainly is," he said, "Why, it's quite enormous."

"But nobody's seen it."

"Just a little more time. Plans are in place. I'm sure it will turn up."

"But no tax cuts?"

"We couldn't possibly afford them."

"But if tax cuts are supposed to be so good for the economy..."

"Just imagine the deficit!"

"Isn't that why we were running surpluses before?"

"Deficit, I tell you!"

"You do know the economy isn't the same thing as the Government books, right?"

He leaned forward, ready to invite me into his parlour.

"Please," he said, "can't we be friends? I have so many friends. Perhaps I could offer you..."

"No dice, pal!"

"Would you like some kind of home insulation fund?"

"Fat chance, buster!"

"There might be an SOE chair free..."

"I thought you only gave those to people you'd called incompetent crooks."

"I could make an exception."

"Stick it up your jumper!"

"You do seem to be unusually stubborn. How unfortunate. My associates will see you out."

...

It was all starting to come together and it wasn't pretty. It was super. Not super like a superhero or super like a good night at a swinging club. Super like a super city - when you're force-fed a super-sized milkshake made of shouting, fighting and disenfranchisement, until finally you're so huge and bloated you can't see your own feet in the shower. Bad super.

...

They took me into the parking lot out back for some "consultation". I knew I had to play this careful. If they were planning to "put a cap on" me, I had the life expectancy of a pig with the sniffles.

Turned out the thin one was Minister of Holding Your Arms Behind Your Back and the short one was Government Spokeman for Punching. His first hit left me dizzier than a Tertiary Education Minister in a helicopter.

"Can we cut him?" asked the short guy.

I asked him how the building public support for the Auckland amalgamation was going.

He thought about that for a half a second, then answered me with a right hook. It connected hard. "Mandate that," he said. I dropped faster than a Reserve bank Governor who thinks he can do something about the recession.

And then everything went the colour of the next budget.

*********

***

Lyndon has been thinking about film noir because he is appearing in WellingSIN City at the Fringe Bar on May 10, 17 and 24 as part of the NZ International Comedy Festival.

********

Lyndon Hood - Cold, Wellington

2009-05-01T15:22:00.001+12:00

Has the Climate Science Coalition run out of talking heads?

Their latest statment (on the Zespri carbon footprinting study) names as the source of its quotes "the Coalition statement".

Apparently Mr Statement hasn't considered the possibility that the actual fruit might be carbon neutral.

Lyndon Hood - logos, Wellington

2009-04-28T17:21:00.006+12:00

This is both the depressing part, and the core, of satire:

"... we found that individual-level political ideology significantly predicted perceptions of Colbert's political ideology. Additionally, there was no significant difference between the groups in thinking Colbert was funny, but conservatives were more likely to report that Colbert only pretends to be joking and genuinely meant what he said while liberals were more likely to report that Colbert used satire and was not serious when offering political statements."
[via Huffington Post]

It's basically structural in irony - or even in jokes - that everything is not laid out for you. I've suspected that some things I've done can coherently be interpreted as something quite other than what I meant. That's even without getting all postmodern.

And, just to complete the set, I'm told that one public servant, on being forwarded and article headed Key Cancels "Wasteful" Employment Summit, had to have the meaning of the word "satire" explained to him.

It was suggested that should have made my day. Arguably it's proof of complete failure to communicate.

Of course we must carry on regardless. But, on the bright side, there may be a point where people's reaction to one's satire starts to count as raw material.

Lyndon Hood - Will be top bloke after death, Wellington

2009-04-22T14:34:00.003+12:00

Only just saw this from the Chaser in '07

You might want to see Spare Room [link fixed] for context first, including more evidence of Aussie politicians' alarming tendency to weigh in on matters of taste. And the answer to Ana's question is, of course: bad taste AND good satire. Which are both good things.

If I wanted to take a lesson: when going down some paths, it's less offensive if you attack your friends as well as your enemies.

Lyndon Hood - more stubbly than mustace'd

2009-04-21T11:51:00.001+12:00

Laughing At The Devil: An Account Of Burma’s Moustache Brothers

Milan Kundera, the great Czech writer who saw his own work and personal health subject to the whims of maniacal and depraved regime, once wrote that ‘No great movement designed to change the world can bear to be laughed at or belittled. ‘Mockery’ he insisted ‘is a rust that corrodes all it touches.’

A world away, three brothers have proved Kundera’s veracity by staring directly into the eyes of one of the world’s most brutal regimes – and laughing at what they saw.

More >>

Scoop Review: Bananarama - I Heard A Rumour

2009-04-18T22:34:00.002+12:00

http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL0904/S00179.htm

For the Fijian media: If you're suffering from a sudden lack of material, perhaps you might fill the space with retro music reviews…

Friends! Fijians! Countrymen! Lend Bananarama your ears!

If you thought Rough Justice was a coup, Bananarama's latest will really get your attention.

Coming hard on the heels of A Cruel Summer, I Heard A Rumour is a song about someone who, unable to learn about something officially, hears about it anyway, but from a less reliable source.

So if you're a fan of people telling other people about stuff that's happened, it could be the beats for you!

Just between us, I'm not sure about this one. I admit, Bananarama's releases sound good – but I look in vain for signs of sincerity.

The people worldwide who've been following Bananarama's recent tracks may not recieve this one well. For example, don't expect any support for the sweet, sugary production. And Bananarama doesn't seem to have the constitution for anything else.

I'm aware Bananarama have built up a lot of goodwill with their previous efforts and I'm told their recent work still has some popularity. Yet if I'm any judge – obviously, I'm not – they've lost all the appeal they previously had.

Even for fans, you'd think Bananarama's latest would be one too many. The rest of the world will stay away in droves.

So let's not declare a Bananarama republic just yet.

Since their sudden rise to prominence, Bananarama have claimed to be planning great things. In the end they will be judged by their record, if and when they produce one. All I'm saying is, I've seen nothing from them to inspire confidence. All they've done so far is remaster everything, and make entirely the wrong noises.

To be frank, Bananarama have failed to deliver on their initial promise.

I could be wrong. The great thing is, the people will decide, when they vote with their wallets (and I notice it's already on sale for half price overseas). That's how we test if something is good or not, at least in the music business.

Let's be clear: I can't say anything bad about Bananarama's latest effort.

At the same time — I wouldn't buy it.

********

Fiji Daily Post:
Paint Dry
Man Goes Out
Clean Teeth
Breakfast As Usual
Man Gets On Bus

Lyndon Hood - bemused, Wellington

2009-03-30T17:10:00.001+13:00

Quote of the day - Heather Roy shows the gathered military law professionals that she understands soldier stuff:

"Wars are not won by the writing and enforcement of good laws - they are won by good people fighting for just causes."

Speech: Roy - Military Law & Order Conference

Collins: Collins Crush!

2009-03-30T16:19:00.003+13:00

http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL0903/S00352.htm

Collins ANGRY!

Collins hear car! It loud car!

Collins see boy in car!

Car shiny?

Car shiny!

Him BOY RACER!

Collins fine racer? No! Him not pay fine already!

Collins impound car? No!!

Collins Crush car! Collins CRUSH!

Why Collins impound when Collins can POUND?

Collins Smash! Collins Destroy! COLLINS CRUSH!! Rargh!!

Raaargh!!!

Teach him drive car!

Why everybody shout at Collins? Like when them say 'Public Safety' are only words Collins knows and Collins have simplistic view of Justice System.

That not true. Collins know many words. Have big vocabulary.

Collins not bad person. Just misunderstood.

Collins have feelings too.

Collins should get back rub?

NO!! Collins. Stay. ANGRY!!

If Collins get calm, Collins turn back to Simon Power. That no fun.

Here come man in suit. Him shout at Collins.

Rargh! Collins receive much positive feedback from electorate! Collins have mandate! PUBLIC SAFETY!!

Man have piece of paper. Say him have interest in car as finance agent.

Piece of paper make Collins ANGRY!

COLLINS CRUSH PIECE OF PAPER!!!

RAAARGH!!!

Teach him lend money finance car boy drive loud!

Here come reporter! Record Collins answers stupid questions!

COLLINS CRUSH TAPE RE --

[Transcript Ends]

********

Trivia: According to her Facebook site, Judith Collins is a fan of Sarah Palin.

********

Lyndon Hood - bored and malicious, Wellington

2009-03-20T17:21:00.001+13:00

Separated at birth?

ACT MP and outspoken opponent of human rights David Garrett (left), not to be confused with Oswald Mosley, founder of the British fascist party (left).

Lyndon Hood - Always learning, Wellington

2009-03-11T17:25:00.003+13:00

Turns out Fairburn wrote light verse political satire as well.

A. R. D. Fairburn's rather scathing poem about the degraded institution of knighthoods was subject to an attempted tabling, followed, I am assured, by an attempted singing, in Parliament.

For all that he won't lie down, Fairburn has been dead for the allotted time, so I believe I can legally publish the poem - "Roll Out the Knightcart" - on Scoop. For those of you who are tired of clicking on blue writing, I'll give you the last chorus here. To the the tune of Waltzing Matilda:

Roll out the knightcart! Roll out the knightcart!
Who'll come a-hunting a knighthood with me?
For we'll get our bloody gongs now they've changed the bloody Government —
WHO'LL COME A-HUNTING A KNIGHTHOOD WITH ME?

(Incidentally, do tell me if there's any transcription errors)

Pics of the Weeks: Nov 08 to Feb 09

2009-03-10T17:25:00.001+13:00

Lyndon Hood's Pics of the Weeks: Nov 08 to Feb 09

Bit of a long one there.

Lyndon Hood - Anxious, Wellington

2009-02-25T17:32:00.002+13:00

Speaking of copyright, I might go into more detail about some fairly obvious worries I have with the extent of fair use provisions.

In the meantime (via The Standard - I think, all I see is an empty post):

Shepard Fairey sues AP over rights to Obama image - a case which, the quoted experts say, he is unlikely to win. All to end in tears?

Essay: Editorial: “The Medium Is The Message: Shepard Fairey And The Art Of Appropriation”

Key Cancels "Wasteful" Employment Summit

2009-02-20T14:43:00.003+13:00

http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL0902/S00354.htm

National has cancelled another conference, with Prime Minister John Key describing it as "a waste of public money at a critical time".

During a line-by-line review of spending by the department of Prime Minister and Cabinet, Mr Key discovered the so-called "Summit on Employment", which was to be held in Auckland on February 27.

The summit, which was organised by bureaucrats, was to gather business leaders together from around the country to have a bit of a chat about employment-related issues.

"Employers are the life blood of our economy," said My Key, "We don't want them swanning around at some fancy conference venue eating sausage rolls - they should be at work employing people!"

My Key emphasised the he supported the goal of gathering fresh ideas to retain and grow jobs. "But haven't they ever heard of email? Or telephones?"

"Unfortunately we won't be able to recoup the money spent on branding and publicity for the conference," Mr Key continued, "I shall be asking some very stern questions about why an publicly-funded event needs its own logo.

"Not that it's a bad logo. It's got lines making a sort of mountain. Summit, you see. Because it's a summit."

After an uncomfortable pause Mr Key suggested it might actually be a roof with retrofitted insulation.

My Key cited this action as proof the he and the Beehive political staff were right on the ball when it came to saving money.

"In these hard economic times we need to make sure every taxpayer dollar is well spent. How many manufacturing workers could be employed with that money? Or, to put the spending in more standard terms, how many hip operations could an osteopathic surgeon employed with that money perform?

"The number of blocks of cheese involved doesn't bear thinking about."

A spokesman for the Prime Minister's office later clarified that, while whether the summit was a waste of money was debatable, Mr Key did not want to be the last minister to cancel a conference or fire somebody.

Key Drops Dark Hints On Need For Urgency

2009-02-10T18:02:00.002+13:00

http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL0902/S00199.htm

The new Government's extensive use of urgency is once again under scrutiny. Senior Ministers have offered some justifications, but their reasons have been described as "constitutionally inadequate, and also subtly terrifying".

Parliament has resumed and is urgently considering hastily-drafted bills relating to policing, taxation and the repeal of the Electoral Finance Act 2007. Time permitting, the Government may also introduce legislation allowing emergency state requisitioning of lead sheets, religious artifacts and chainsaws.

Some have questioned whether these measures - and others passed late last year - are in fact urgent enough to override normal scrutiny.

Minister for Justice Simon Power defended the urgent introduction of the Criminal Investigations (Bodily Samples) Amendment Bill, which allows police to arrest anyone they want to take DNA samples from.

"DNA is the stuff of life on earth, common to all creatures that evolved on this planet," explained Mr Power, "It may be the only way we'll be able to tell."

Mr Power then declined to discuss another bill relating to organised crime, saying that he had "said too much already".

Bill English, the hollow-eyed and increasingly hunted-looking Minister of Finance, said the Taxation (Business Tax Measures) Bill concentrated on making things easier for small to medium enterprises. "Large enterprises were not so much of a focus," said Mr English, "What with one thing and another we expect people will soon be reluctant to gather in groups of larger than 30."

Prime Minister John Key laughed off suggestions that he would get through his entire legislative agenda in the first 100 days, chuckling hollowly for a full minute before saying, "When else am I going to do it?"

Asked to clarify the reason for his Government's haste, Mr Key said that the public "would find out soon enough".

"I wish I could tell the people of New Zealand what's so urgent about the Sentencing (Offender Levy) Amendment Bill, but are they ready to know?" said Mr Key.

"Are you?" he continued, turning directly toward his questioner, press gallery reporter Guyon Espiner.

It is understood that Key's eerie gaze bored straight through Espiner, as if staring into the heart of distant, frozen suns.

Parliament will sit for two weeks, before breaking to resume, "God willing", on March 3. Day 0 of the new Government's 100-day programme will occur on March 18.

Lyndon Hood - Not sorry, Wellington

2009-01-22T15:13:00.002+13:00

The Perils of Satire
Part of an ongoing series

Perhaps the worst part is that I knew I was selling the situation short when I wrote the thing - and encouraging the kind of moral malaise Ryan talks about here. It's harping on about exactly the kind of trees that get in the way of the wood.

Mostly it was that I found the people who actually spoke up for either side to be not helping, so I wanted to make the point anyway.

As I said in the comments, I tried to nod in the direction of how much I was omitting. But I suppose you need a proper grasp of the situation in order to understand just how much omission and since nobody agrees what facts are relevant we start going round again.

So the project was potentially unhelpful and the best I could hope for was that some people might take a moment to get just a little perspective. If this happened, it did not leave much evidence.

On reflection, the worst part is the at least one person appears to have understood, and is carrying on anyway.

I actually thought about assuaging my conscience with companion piece.

AN ALLEGORY

Precis: Sort of simmering sibiling rivalry bursting into violence except one of the has a baseball bat and has cut of the other's food supply. Mum tells them to stop fighting but Dad doesn't - not until Mum gets a finger broken trying to put a band-aid on one of Junior's fresh contusions. Etc, Ad lib.

But then I saw this on Kiwipolitico and stopped feeling like I had a novel idea.

There was also one about John Key being satisfied with the size of his stimulus package. I've shelved that too.

I digress.

I wasn't unduly proud of this piece - you might notice it hasn't had the lead slot on Scoop - partly because of the above caveats and also because the observation was so trite.

Almost as trite as noting that Israel is the one with the most power (and support) to change the status quo and currently seems hellbent on making it worse.

But the question isn't whose fault it is. The question is what you do about it.

My Side In The Gaza Conflict Is Entirely Right

2009-01-20T11:30:00.001+13:00

http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL0901/S00225.htm

When people are being killed and dying is not the time to apportion blame.

But since the deal between Israel and the US has made peace between Israel and Hamas, I say, how about now?

Unlike some, I look forward to responsiblity sheeting home to the most guilty, because throughout the conflict my side has been entirely in the right.

I should mention which side that is. I'll be clear: I support the good guys.

This ethical purity means one doesn't have to resort to anything as hamfisted and subjective as counting the number of innocent people the other side have killed or how psycho they are or whether - irrespective of what they might say - certain people's actions are really making the world a better place.

Never mind the death and destruction, our policy has from the beginning been to secure the moral high ground.

What you do not understand is that the people of the country I support are living in a climate of fear, caused by the bad guys. We have a monopoly on this suffering and must fight for our freedom using whatever means we have at our disposal, however extreme or irrational they may appear.

Nor do you know the history of the region. Some might prefer to pretend that history began on a certain day of their choice (and they are selective even then). In reality, the important issues in this conflict are all the bad things they have done to us.

They have repeatedly committed war crimes and been constantly condemned by the UN. They have breached at least some of the ceasefires. We are obliged to protect our people from these provocations.

Plus, our dead people count for more than theirs.

The dangerous lunatics on the other side seem incapable of distinguishing between the actions of our military and our civilian population. What would you expect from a nation so sick that their politicians can get electoral support by attacking another people? Though perhaps regrettable, it is right that they should all be punished for their complicity.

Especially since their leaders could have stopped the fighting at any time by ceasing their attacks. I wonder how they can sleep at night.

The people of the nation I support are a proud semitic people and they were there first.

Since the others started it, nothing that follows is our fault.

Whatever the others may have said in the past, it is clear from their actions that they would annihilate us if they could. Whereas all we want is a reasonable peace on our terms. And our actions are all well-thought-out steps that are in fact likely to lead to that state of affairs.

This may cause civilian casualties by we must defend our right to exist as a nation. However the actual number of casualties on either side is only relevent if they support my case.

Despite the immense procvoation of the murderers on the other side, we do not target civilians. Sometimes it happens that we hit them anyway. And we do fire at random into crowded areas from time to time, but only because we're forced to.

From time to time some of our supporters - especially on the fringes - may seem overly jingoistic and self-righteous, but we need to counter the one-eyed ravings of our opponents.

It does not help that the media is clearly biased against us, despited the transparent and sanctimonious lies of their official spokemen.

Fortunately, we have the support of the important parts of the international community.

Also, though I'm not clear exactly how this works, I am obliged to support the side I do because of my position on the liberal/conservative spectrum.

I short, it is obvious that we are entirely right and they are entirely wrong. This position is the best way forward and anyone who thinks differently is a dangerous idiot.

Lyndon Hood - wannabe duck-clown, Wellington

2009-01-14T13:56:00.004+13:00

BoingBoing ("One look at the Jell-O clown and he will haunt your dreams forevermore") linked to this rather good Flickr set of photos by one Charles W Cushman. The official collection is online and apparently thoroughly indexed, and generally not of clowns. But why is there no Wikipedia entry?

Regarding this photo, a comment on Flickr:

The Gag with the fake leg is the clown is actually standing in and walking in the box but with the fake legs it makes it look like the duck is pulling him!

His name is Paul Winchell
he was a genius at creating unique props! (all made to pack flat and play big!)

But for you might remember him as the voice of Gargamel in the smurfs.

Larry
current Ringling Clown

I notice you can just make out a wheel that ~~presumably drives the~~ on reflection needn't drive any walking action of the fake leg. The clown historian on the BoingBoing thread says:

The "Clown With Duck" is Paul Wenzel, a clown on the Ringling show from the turn of the century until the advent of Clown College in 1968.

He retired at the age of 90.

"The Professor" as he was known to the other clowns, was a master of creating enormous and intricate clown props out of silk and wire that were lightweight and collapsed flat.

When he retired no one remembered to ask him how he did it, when he died the art was lost.

Fred Garbo's Inflatable Theater Company is the closest thing that we have to it now but Fred's props are... well, inflatable and not supported by wire.

I have no wish to pose as a clown hater. These guys look pretty awesome.

[Something else on BoingBoing: Orestes Pursued by the Furries]

Recession-Weary Nation Cheered By John Key's Chaplinesque Antics

2008-12-11T16:39:00.005+13:00

http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL0812/S00228.htm
Click to enlarge

Just a comic tramp Charles Chaplin warmed the hearts of the world during the Great Depression, so in our hard economic times New Zealand is enjoying the farcical comedy of its own favourite clown.

Before he was elected Prime Minister the nation had already recognised his considerable charm, but now John Key and his varied crew of sidekicks have revealed another much-needed talent: the gift of laughter.

It seems hardly a day goes by but there is some droll new adventure, with Our John declaring a position with a perfect parody of confidence and determination, then suddenly launching into a backflip or an ideological contortion that seems to take even him by surprise.

Perhaps it's because he's got such an endearing rag-tag crew to keep in line.

There's Billie English, with his giant novelty tax cuts, cunningly rigged to explode in the face of anyone earning the median wage or below. Or Gerry Brownlee, who began by getting lost among unfamiliar procedures and ended upsetting a pile of Parliamentary conventions - some of the few left undisturbed by the previous tenant. And who will forget the look on Phil Heatley's face after he announced a cap on the number of state houses - and then found out we didn't have enough of them!

The king of this merry band has commenced his reign with one of the most hilarious weeks of Parliament ever.

"Rushed legislation is bad. We'll need to fix it urgenty. And while we're in urgency, I've got some entire bills I want to pass. Better go write them. But we won't put the 90-days bill in urgency - Oh! There it is!".

The whole nation is watching, entranced. Why, at any second someone will throw a custard pie!

And he's not just entertaining New Zealand. Even for those gathered in Posnan for grave and difficult discussions on the global response to climate change, New Zealand has provided some light relief. How they are laughing at our increasingly chaotic, slapstick response to Kyoto and our select committee's hilarious parody of scientific investigation.

Here's Mr Key, gravely saying the science was not in question - and behind his back up pops Rodney Hide dressed up in a white lab coat. He's behind you!

After such a stressful few months, we're proudly giving the whole world just the Christmas gift it needs - the chance for a good chuckle.

So, laugh, world! Point and laugh at New Zealand, and its charming and feckless new leader.

**********

What Else Is In The Urgency Plan?

2008-12-10T14:03:00.002+13:00

http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL0812/S00197.htm
Click to enlarge

In a surprise reversal, the Government has unexpectedly included their 90-day probationary employment bill in their urgency plan.

Even as urgency commences, neither the public, nor opposition MPs, nor for that matter many Government MPs have any idea what other bills might appear or what is in the ones that have been announced.

Good news! The following draft has appeared on Scoop's desk.

So if you're hungry for democratic accountability, we hope it will keep you going in the meantime.

****

National Government First Hundred Days Programme
The Previously Unpublished Second Page

The Pass Our Whole Election Platform Under Urgency And Avoid All That Tedious Legislative Scrutiny Omnibus Bill all stages

The John Key Adorability (Perpetuation) Bill

The Sentencing (Special Auckland Islands Gulag For Winston Peters) Bill

The still-being-drafted Education Standards (Extreme Prejudice) Bill, to improve results by identifying underachieving students and efficiently eliminating them.

The Financial Reporting (Look, it really should have been Somebody's job to have told us about that ACC thing, and even if it wasn't, it would have been, y'know, nice. Thanks a bundle. Not.) Bill

Further to the ACT coalition agreement, a bill suspending the proposed Government response to the circularity of the Earth and establishing a select committee to investigate the question.

The Armed Forces (Never Mind South Seas Maritime Rescue Let's Have Them Build A Secret Island Lair For Wayne Mapp) Bill all stages

The Antarctic Whale Sanctuary (Covertly Arming Whales) Bill

The Energy Efficiency (Removing Standards At Random) Amendment Bill

Some sort of motion to improve Parliamentary standards and behaviour. Also, make the Queen's representative talk about a "decade of missed opportunities" a few more times. That was awesome.

The Speaking Of Which, Let's See Some Enthusiasm From The Governor-General When Reciting Speeches Prepared By Someone Else Bill

The Accient Compensation (Can Everyone Just Stop Having Accidents For A While) Bill

The Hidden Agenda (Pandering To Shadowy Right Wing Backers) Bill

The Economic Stimulus (Some Sort Of Retail-Based Holiday In Late December) Bill all stages.

The Purchasing More Monkeys And Typewriters (Possible Need For Quickly Drafted Legislation To Fill In Urgency Time) Bill all stages

********

Lyndon Hood - not doing this at random you know, Lower Hutt

2008-12-07T20:57:00.003+13:00

Jake was kind enough to leave a link to this article (Ta) in the Times Literary Supplement. In the usual way as I understand it, the author (Michael Silk, Professor of Classical and Comparative Literature at King’s College London) uses some books (three works of or about satire, including the scripts for the UK series The Thick of It) to belabour a point (as follows).

The way Silk tells it, something rather odd happened to criticism of classical satire in the 50s:

Juvenal’s target, it now seemed, was not the deplorable features of Roman life; the target was rather the bluster of the angry voice itself. Juvenal might or might not be righteous, but the indignant satirist is a pose, and himself the object of the satire.

Fifty years on, this kind of posing has been identified, more and more broadly, across Roman satirical writing, and then read back into satirical equivalents in ancient Greece as well.

This is a peculiar idea and it's satisfying to watch Silk savage it.

I'm not deeply familiar with Juvenal but that interpretation looks to me like somebody getting lost among multiple levels of irony.

The next logical step would be to suggest that, instead of being the main point of the work, Juvenal's indignant pose was in fact a masterly satirical trap designed to make literary critics embarrass themselves with convoluted over-interpretation. It's just that up until the 20th century, they were wise to him.

Or perhaps there is a simpler explanation.

I suspect most people who can pull off accussing the entire world of moral turpitude are smart enough to realise they themselves, if they're right, don't have the authority to do the condemning. So, even if they had no other reason, they might satirise their own indignation from time to time. They might also do so in passing as they savage their main target, in the hope it might be mistaken for humility.

I'm not certain about examples in my own work (unless you count that bit when I said I wasn't "deeply familiar" with Juvenal, which is true as far as it goes).

Perhaps this one, all the way back in '05: Satirist 'Apologises' to Howard. Perhaps not. If you wish to pursue the question you should probably read this one first: Howard Demands Emergency Anti-Wolf Legislation.

Anyway, Silk also has a lot to say about what satire is. And his observation on the conserativeness of the mode - not just because it attacks rather than constructs but because your audience has to share a moral and factual paradigm or it doesn't work - I had considered this.

In the latter respect - the shared point of view - it's a bit like a joke. Although humour is more of a method of satire than a part of it.

I think of a laugh as the sound of a surprise you like. There are lots of ways of achieving this. At a clowning workshop a learned that it can be done by setting up a rhythm and breaking it, even by breathing at the right moment.

In a joke - and what follows I got from a footnote in David Foster Wallace's Consider The Lobster (it might have been this piece about Kafka [pdf] but I haven't checked) - the punchline moment is where you're jumped by the intersection between the setup, which is internal to the joke, and what you already know about the world, which isn't mentioned in the joke at all.

[For another literary-review type discussion, about jokes, see this Spiked article. It takes a more freudian, and hence less right, angle on the definition, but one that might help for explaining why some things are funnier than others.]

I suppose that business with externalities and assumptions is part of what makes jokes educational; if you can work out why it's funny you can understand the teller.

What's more, that act of rearranging those ideas in you head has probably shook up your preconceptions just a little.

Which helps reconcile me to the whole "satire is inherently conservative" thing.

Lyndon Hood - news-briefer to incoming ministers, Wellington

2008-12-03T13:36:00.002+13:00

A tip of the hat, or a nod, is of course due to I/S for the trousers thing of the previous post. I just found the image too irresistible not to appropriate.

I would also like to credit The Incredibles for something, seeing as I saw it on the tele the other night and it was awesome. Unfortunately it left no trace on my column, so I can't. Though the idea of Wayne Mapp using the military power that would otherwise be monitoring pacific whaling to build an island supervillian-base appeals.

Honeymoon Briefs

2008-12-02T16:22:00.002+13:00

http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL0812/S00044.htm

Satire by Lyndon Hood

John Key Meets Queen, Avoids "Pants" Faux Pas

Prime Minister John Key has met the Queen. In an attempt to differentiate his leadership style from Helen Clark's he did not wear trousers at the event.

"The response to Helen Clark's behaviour made it clear meeting the Queen with trousers on is not respectful," said the pants-less Mr Key.

The Queen is unused to seeing women in breeches and, before meeting the pantaloon-clad Helen Clark in 2002, was unaware your earth females had legs.

"I've said before I don't have to adopt all of Helen's policies," Key added.

The Prime Minister went on to say that, while it was inevitable the New Zealand would eventually become a republic, he didn't expect it to happen under his government.

In the absence of pants Mr Key wore a pastel blue Trelise Cooper gown, set off with a pauashell-and-silver necklace and white stilettos.

***

Blogger Still Maintains Clark Just Like Mugabe

The power-sharing arrangement Helen Clark has permitted after the opposition National party's election victory may dissolve into violence at any time, reports an anonymous blogger who continues to insist New Zealand has become exactly like Zimbabwe.

There is increasing concern for the blogger, who appears to be trapped in the imaginary alternative universe where he lived for the last two terms of the Labour government.

Readers had believed the blogger to be freely interpreting real world events, and expected the tone to settle following the election of a National-led government. But they have now realised he is in fact mentally locked in "a whole nother universe".

His recent posts indicate that in 'HelenGrad' violent unrest and oppression are increasing, inflation has hit a record 500 000% and refugees are fleeing across the border to South Africa.

***

Jim Anderton Loves Labour So Much He Is In Fact Marrying Them

The Progressive Party will form an "opposition coalition" with the Labour Party, leading commentators to suggest that Progressive leader Jim Anderton love Labour so much he wants to marry them. The two parties are expected to remain up a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, until such time as Anderton leaves parliament.

The move has been long expected as Anderton has been in bed with Labour since 1999.

"Well I happy for them and all," said one observer, "But aren't they related?"

***

New Press Secretaries Busy Reprogramming AutoText

Newly-hired members of Ministers' and MPs' staff are now preparing for the new session of Parliament. A high priority is adapting their word processors' auto-complete function to their post-election position.

For example, instead of "chainsaw massacre", "out of touch", "exodus to Australia" or "rising rate of violent crime", new Ministers will be able to type phrases like "on the right track", "reporting of domestic violence" and "has welcomed the release of the report into" at the touch of a button.

If the software is correctly changed from "Government" to "Opposition" mode (or vice versa), MPs will not be required to think for another three years.

*********