Lyndon Hood - aspiring screenwriter, Lower Hutt
Thursday, October 07, 2004
3 QUESTIONS
1. Can you write with clarity, wit, irony and candour?
2. Is writing about cars and researching motoring issues your passion?
3. Can you bring a fresh perspective and language to television factual programming?
If you can answer a categorical yes to each of the above, we would like to hear from you. Forward a full CV and sample piece of writing fully illustrating questions 1 to 3 ...
—Job ad, Dominion Post.
FADE IN:
EXT CARPORT DAYLYNDON is crouching casually (this may take some practise) beside his car. His body does not quite conceal the damaged paintwork from last time he tried to back out of the driveway.
LYNDON
This is a Toyota Sprinter.
He playfully knocks on the body with the butt of his fist. Try doing that with a Japanese import.
LYNDON
It’s blue.
FLASHY SEQUENCE SHOWING VISUALLY THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN MARQUE, MODEL, AND YEAR OF CARS.
LYNDON (V.O.)
Y’know how they put the same car in a body with a different number of holes in it and pretend they’ve done something clever? Well the Sprinter’s a bit more exciting. It’s the sportscar version of some really common range like the ‘Coronary’ or something.
EXT CARPORT DAY
LYNDON
So there are a lot of spare parts about. At least, that’s what my brother-in-law reckons. Anyway, this one’s a Toyota Sprinter Marino. Baa. Ho ho ho. I’m not exactly the sportscar type, but I put my hand up for the first time the moment the hammer came down and there you have it. I’ve been doing a bit of research . . .
INT LOUNGE NIGHTLyndon is reading Ben Elton’s ‘Gridlock’. He looks up, messianic zeal burning in his eyes.
LYNDON
. . . and I’ve decided that that bypass is a bit silly. Why do people drive into Wellington during the day anyway? Specially now the parking’s a jillion dollars an hour. Ooh, how ‘bout this one: environmental activist has a passion for huge gas-guzzling motorcycles. They ask him if there’s a contradiction there, he says he figures people are going to use up all the oil no matter what, we may as well get it over with.
EXT STREET DAYThe camera races through the ludicrously short distance between Lyndon’s flat and the railway station.
EXT CAR DAYLyndon settles into the driver’s seat.
LYNDON
Steering wheel. Dashboard. Just a couple of the signals I use to tell one end of an automobile from the other. Some novel buttons here. This one’s called ‘Manu’. Like the doll from Play School. Wish I knew what it does, don’t care enough to find out. Oh well. See you next time.
He shuts the door, starts the car and drives off. Notice that there’s no crashing-sound-followed-by-a-hubcap-rolling-across-the-shot. Now that’s class.
FADE OUT:
THE END
