Monday, February 28, 2005
POTENTIAL EMPLOYER: Hi, Lyndon. Take a seat.LYNDON HOOD: Thanks.He sits. Comic business with folders.PE: I must say I was impressed with your CV.LH: Thank you. Entirely handmade.PE: Even the inlays? Gosh. I'd go so far as to say that its aesthetic qualities are the only reason I invited you in for this chat.LH: FIne by me.PE: So why do you want this job?LH: Well, let's see. I don't have a job at the moment. I live in Lower Hutt and there's not much else to do except play Civ III. I like money. Does it take a genius to work it out?PE: And I take it you're ready to draw any manner of wild inference from you experience and skills to suggest that you're actually qualified for the position?LH: Fuckin' A.PE: Uh huh. So can you describe a situation where you've been involved in conflict at work, and what you did to resolve it?LH: Good lord!PE: What?LH: I've just had the most astonishing sense of deja vu. I could swear I've been asked that before. Have you been talking to the last guy who interviewed me?PE: No.LH: Thank goodness. Sorry, what was the question?PE: Can you describe...LH: Oh, yes. See, I don't tend to get involved in conflict because my normal strategy is to cave in at the first opportunity. I'm "a nice man who does what he's told" (Critic 12, 2003).PE: You enunciated that parenthesis rather well.LH: It's a knack. Anyway, yeah, I'm basically a wuss. I mean - I keep a weblog yet my only battle so far has been with Aaron Bhatnagar.PE: "Weblog"?PauseLH: Yes. You'll find it under "Written Expression and Analytical Thinking".PausePE: Moving right along, then. Can you prove that you are a worthwhile human being?LH: I have this marae protocol certificate from high school. Is that what you mean?PE: Hm. If your house was burning down, what would you take out?LH: Can I have a clue?PE: There's no right answer.LH: Yes, but I'm desperately trying to work out what you want to hear.PauseLH: I would save ... uh ... my employer?Smiles winningly.PE: Right then. Did you have anything you'd like to ask?LH: Um. Did you know that there were two spelling errors in your job ad?PE: No.LH: Okay.PE: Well, we have a few other people to talk to, so you can probably expect some kind of rejection towards the end of next week.LH: Sounds good.PE: Goodbye then. Someone will escort you out.LH: Oh, I can find my own way...PE: I inisist.LH: 'Kay. Bye.Curtain.