Monday, March 14, 2005
NAVY WARSHIP COMMANDING OFFICERRecruiter: Good Afternoon, Navy Recruiters, --------- speaking.
Our new ships are coming in. Want to command one?
In a few short years you could command one of our new $20 Million Inshore Patrol Vessels. Want more? Then graduate to a $80 Million Offshore Patrol Vessel. Still want more? Try a $600 Million Frigate. You must be fit and active, over 17 and a NZ citizen to apply.
Call 0800 NZ NAVY
Geoff: Hey, yeah, I saw your ad in the paper and it sounds like something I want to get involved in, can you tell me a little bit more?
Recruiter: Certainly, what do you want to know?
Geoff: Well, do you guys have, like, a list of targets?
Recruiter: Yes we do, we have so many people that we recruit for certain jobs, yes.
Geoff: No, I mean for your warships.
Recruiter: Do we have a list of them?
Geoff: Yeah, you know, once you get a warship do have like a list of targets that I can go out and… you know.
Recruiter: No, no. No, we don't.
Geoff; Well then what's the deal with your warships, how do I get one?
Recruiter: Well, I guess you could purchase one if you wanted to build one.
Geoff: Your ad here says that you've got a bunch of new warships and you need people to command them, so, here I am. That definitely sounds like something I want to get involved in.
Recruiter: Well, you'll have to start at the bottom and work your way up, just like everyone else and it'll probably take you a good fifteen to eighteen years to get your own warship.
Geoff: That sounds like a long time.
Recruiter: It is a long time.
Geoff: Well, shit, the war in Iraq will be over by then.
Recruiter: Well, it will be. No, it probably won't be. Let's be honest, it started in '91 and it's still going.
Geoff: The ad here says that in just a few short years I could be commanding a warship.
Recruiter: I wouldn't say in a few short years, but certainly over a period of time.
Geoff: Well, I don't need a big one, not like on of these $20 million or $80 million dollar ones. Do you have, like…
Recruiter: One of the little ones?
Geoff: Do you have any small boats with, like, missiles or maybe a speedboat with a machine-gun?
Geoff: You know, I've also been playing a lot of navy-themed video games recently. So will that help me out, maybe take a few years off?
Recruiter: No, no it won't. How old are you mate?
Geoff: I'm 25.
Recruiter: Are you a New Zealand citizen?
Geoff: Well, I was born in New Zealand, but I grew up in America so, you know, I'm ready to fight.
Recruiter: Well, it certainly seems like you have an American attitude. Like, “Bring it on, Grrrr!”.
Geoff: Yeah, definitely.
Recruiter; Well, let me send you and information pack and we can go from there.
Geoff: Okay my address is…
Stay tuned for updates on this job hunt.
(This originally appeared in Salient, Issue 2, 2005. Perhaps soon their website will be up, so this shameless plagurism won't be required.)