Lyndon and Hamish - boys

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Twelve reasons not to vote for the Greens

Part four of a series of indeterminate length

1. Their platforms of a fair society and sustainable prosperity might be easier to stand if they weren't such hippies.

2. You had a traumatic childhood experience involving sustainable energy.

3. Now that a vote for the Greens is a vote for a Labour-Progressive-Greens coalition, it doesn't sound so wicked cool anymore.

4. Have you seen those old cartoons of the communist octopus reaching out to control the entire world? Have you seen Nandor with his hair down?

5. They haven't been the same since Kermit died.

6. Someone working for Sue Kedgley once fell for the Campaign to ban Di-Hydrogen-Monoxide.

7. Because Greens are something a bad kid is meant to have just three more mouthfuls of before he can leave the table and go back to his room to eat gobstoppers and look at stick books. Little snot.

8. Hoardings fetishist Aaron Bhatnawazzit has decried the Greens hoardings as terrible. "Too many words," cries Bhatnasomething. You'd do well to listen when a hoardings afficionado speaks.

9. Peter Dunne said that if Labour went into coalition with the Greens, then "pseudo methamphetamine" would be downgraded as a serious drug and Nandor would be Attorney-General. You believe everything that Peter Dunne says.

10. United Future finance spokesperson Gordon Copeland told the Business New Zealand Conference that he knew people who would leave the country if a Labour-Greens government was elected. You think we should keep any friends Gordon Copeland has where we can see them.

11. United Future have indicated they may be unwilling to work in a coalition agreement with the Greens. You're torn between moral rectitude on the one hand and an irrepresible desire to get high on the other.

12. Allowing the country to be turned into a toxic wasteland is vital to our future prosperity.