Lyndon and Hamish - mainstreamicists

Friday, September 16, 2005

12 Reasons Not to Vote National

The finale in Fighting Talk's authoritative voting guide series.

1. You don't want to make a testicle of yourself.

2. Because if you don't vote for Labour, you will have to answer to David "Mad Dog" Benson-Pope and Pete "Scarface" Hodgson.

3. Because they're going to abolish parole, and I guess keep the extra prisoners in cells that they (the prisoners) build themselves, out of, I don't know, balsa wood or something, because there sure as hell isn't enough money for it in National's budget.

4. Or maybe they're going to impose market rents on prison cells.

5. Because if Don Brash becomes Prime Minister, they might not replace him with John Key at all, which would be a tragedy for the National Party.

6. Because if you do, National might win the election. And then Don Brash would be trying to run the country, and Gerry Brownlee would be trying to run Parliament. Think about it. That's not governent, that's the premise of a sitcom.

7. You're Maori.

8. Because countries don't normally change their leader in the middle of a war. Admittedly, we're not at war, but we would be if Don Brash had been Prime Minister.

9. Because you've decided to go with Winston, who will unconditionally support whichever main party gets the most votes on supply and confidence. You could of course actually vote for the party you want to lead the next government instead, but you are a natural gambler.

10. When even a "National Party source" is "concerned at Don Brash's links to big business", this is of concern.

11. Because you have followed the political side of their campaign, and suffer from the old-fashion belief that potential governments should stay together at the seams.

12. Because they like it up the bum. Don't believe us? Well, explain this: National is an anagram of into anal.