Lyndon Hood - not a juror any more, Lower Hutt

Monday, February 28, 2005

POTENTIAL EMPLOYER: Hi, Lyndon. Take a seat.


He sits. Comic business with folders.

PE: I must say I was impressed with your CV.

LH: Thank you. Entirely handmade.

PE: Even the inlays? Gosh. I'd go so far as to say that its aesthetic qualities are the only reason I invited you in for this chat.

LH: FIne by me.

PE: So why do you want this job?

LH: Well, let's see. I don't have a job at the moment. I live in Lower Hutt and there's not much else to do except play Civ III. I like money. Does it take a genius to work it out?

PE: And I take it you're ready to draw any manner of wild inference from you experience and skills to suggest that you're actually qualified for the position?

LH: Fuckin' A.

PE: Uh huh. So can you describe a situation where you've been involved in conflict at work, and what you did to resolve it?

LH: Good lord!

PE: What?

LH: I've just had the most astonishing sense of deja vu. I could swear I've been asked that before. Have you been talking to the last guy who interviewed me?

PE: No.

LH: Thank goodness. Sorry, what was the question?

PE: Can you describe...

LH: Oh, yes. See, I don't tend to get involved in conflict because my normal strategy is to cave in at the first opportunity. I'm "a nice man who does what he's told" (Critic 12, 2003).

PE: You enunciated that parenthesis rather well.

LH: It's a knack. Anyway, yeah, I'm basically a wuss. I mean - I keep a weblog yet my only battle so far has been with Aaron Bhatnagar.

PE: "Weblog"?


LH: Yes. You'll find it under "Written Expression and Analytical Thinking".


PE: Moving right along, then. Can you prove that you are a worthwhile human being?

LH: I have this marae protocol certificate from high school. Is that what you mean?

PE: Hm. If your house was burning down, what would you take out?

LH: Can I have a clue?

PE: There's no right answer.

LH: Yes, but I'm desperately trying to work out what you want to hear.


LH: I would save ... uh ... my employer?

Smiles winningly.

PE: Right then. Did you have anything you'd like to ask?

LH: Um. Did you know that there were two spelling errors in your job ad?

PE: No.

LH: Okay.

PE: Well, we have a few other people to talk to, so you can probably expect some kind of rejection towards the end of next week.

LH: Sounds good.

PE: Goodbye then. Someone will escort you out.

LH: Oh, I can find my own way...

PE: I inisist.

LH: 'Kay. Bye.