Campaign 2008 - The Superhero vs Monster Screenplay
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL0810/S00214.htm
EXT. CAPITAL CITY - DAY
A GIGANTIC MONSTER is rampaging across the country, devouring financial institutions and leaving a trail of ruined economy.
A crowd of ONLOOKERS gaze in terror at the devestation
Who will save us now?
SUPER NATIONAL PARTY LEADER GUY (O.S.)
I will!
SUPER NATIONAL PARTY LEADER GUY (SNPLG) lands in front of the Onlookers, wearing an unfortunate latex outfit.
It's Super National Party Guy Man!
SECOND ONLOOKER
What IS that creature?
SNPG
It is an Economic Crisis!
ONLOOKERS
Oh!
SNPG
The creation of my nemisis, Doctor C.
THIRD ONLOOKER
Are you sure? Only I saw it crawl out of the ocean.
SNPG
Fear not! I shall cut taxes, boost infrastructure spending
and reduce red tape!
THIRD ONLOOKER
That works on financial crises does it?
SNPG
Indeed!
THIRD ONLOOKER
But weren't you just going to do that anyway?
I mean, is it actually a response to this crisis in particular?
SNPG
Look, you don't complain when other superheroes use the exact same superpowers to solve every problem they're presented with, do you?
No. No you don't. It just means they've got awesome superpowers.
Stand back!
SNPG cuts taxes, boosts infrastructure spending and reduces red tape.
A pause.
The monster continues to rampage.
Um. It's still there.
SNPG
Yes, but it's much smaller than it would have been otherwise.
Popular Buzzword!
He flies off.
EXT. CAPITAL CITY - DAY
While lifting the entire nation above the poverty line using the power of tax cuts, SNPG singles out an INDEPENDENT EARNER who is not receiving government support.
I'm going to give you a special tax rebate!
INDEPENDENT EARNER
But why? My only distinguishing feature is that I haven't been found to be worthy of special treatment.
SNPG
Exactly, you are the real victim of this Labour-led tyranny! Don't you feel left behind all the other people who get extra help?
You deserve special support as much as anyone!
INDEPENDENT EARNER
... as anyone who has an actual reason for needing special support?
SNPG
We're in agreement then. Popular Buzzword!
He flies off.
EXT. CAPITAL CITY - DAY
SNPG has attempted to control the Economic Crisis by building a huge infrastructure of asphalt and fibreoptic cables. A bipartisan artillery squad bombards it with huge volleys of spending.
Where did you get the money to do that?
SNPG
We've made it completely clear where the money for our tax plan will come from.
TAXPAYER
Yes, but this isn't part of your tax plan, is it?
SNPG
coughinsulationfundcough
A pause.
coughwhataboutlaboursspendingcough
In the background, the Economic Crisis grabs and devours several bankers who, relying on their government guarantee, took the risk of gawking too closely.
Did I mention I used to work in global finance?
TAXPAYER
Yes.
SNPG
By which I mean "I know how these things work", rather than "I, personally, am a symbol of how we got into this mess".
A pause.
Look over there - it's Nanny State!
He throws smoke bomb and runs away.
INT - LAIR - DAY
Supervillianess MISS CLARK and her sidekick DOCTOR C celebrate a political victory in their vast secret underground lair, carefully insulated against attack by several layers of surpluses.
The Australian Government has announced its plans to guarantee deposits the day before Labour's official campaign launch, 'conveniently' allowing Clark to announce NZ's response there. This timing was arranged by some kind of Tran-Tasman mind control or something.
Doctor C pops open a bottle of chardonnay-flavoured champagne. In the background, a squad of socialist ninjas train in communism by stealth.
Everything is going to plan! Release the pledge cards!
DOCTOR C
Super National Party Leader Guy already did that.
MISS CLARK
Curses! Foiled again!
DOCTOR C
It says, "My key commitments to you". I keep looking at the picture of him and wondering if he's being secretly ironic.
MISS CLARK
Revenge!
DOCTOR C
We could give tertiary students lots of money. That worked last time.
CLARK
Excellent. I'll show that pesky Super National Party Leader Guy!
Mwa ha ha ha!
An alarm goes off. There is an enormous crash as the Financial Crisis plunges through the roof and hits the rock bottom of the lair, crushing a number of the ninjas.
Look out for the Economic Crisis!
ECONOMIC CRISIS
Om Nom Nom Nom
Labels: economy, nz politics, satire
