Work And Grimmcome

A rich man's wife became sick, and when she felt that her end was drawing near, she called her only daughter to her bedside and said, "Dear child, remain pious and good, and our social welfare safety net will prevent your standard of living ever falling below an acceptable minimum level." Then she closed her eyes and died. More>>

Labels: Cinderella, emergency housing, fairy tales, nz politics, satire, welfare, winz, Work and Income New Zealand

Lyndon Hood: Caught With Your Panamas Down

Scoop: Hello there.

Person in charge of Policy Formation on Foreign Things: Hi.

S: Mister…?

PPFFT: Yes.

S: Can I ask your name?

P: You certainly can.

S: Well, then.

P: You usually don't though. In practice.

S: Why not?

P: I might not want to tell you. Or it might be inconvenient for you to know, I suppose. I have to know my name though, so that's all right. It's called disclosure. All above board.

S: Well I have to assume it is. Basically I'm taking this on…

P: Trust.

S: … trust.

P: Yes, that's the exact word. It's a completely transparent disclosure regime. More>>

Labels: foreign trusts, nz politics, panama papers, satire, tax havens

New Werewolf! Naturally, I did a thing about the new Kanye album.

Labels: kanye west, nz politics, satire, the life of pablo, werewolf

New On Scoop: Top Five Politicians 2015 'Tis the season for making lists! We’ve been flipping every coin we could lay our hands on and now we present the top five most toppest top political performers of 2015. Because otherwise, how will you know who to like? More>> That' just been updated on Serco news. Stand by for seasonal update containing stuff that I failed to link from here in earlier months. Maybe.

Labels: john key, judith collins, me not updating blogs properly, nz politics, satire, scoop, Serco

Oh yeah - I wrote a thing about flags for Werewolf. As mentioned in Sideswipe.

Here is one I left out (explanation in the comments).

Also - earlier:

The Politician’s Song

am a perfect picture of the modern politic-i-an:
I don’t precisely have a plan so much as an ambition;
‘Say what will sound most pleasant to the public’ is my main dictum:
And when in doubt attack someone who already is a victim... More>>

Homeopathic Governance

Late last week Green MP Steffan Browning was reported as supporting a petition calling for the use of homeopathy in the World Health Organisation’s response to ebola.

This is, of course, exactly the kind of thing leadership of the Green Party has been trying to distance itself from and may yet end in the TV news getting that footage of the morris dancers out again. One imagines many angry tears over the homemade kombucha in the Greens office. More>>

Labels: new zealand flag, nz politics, satire, werewolf

Here is something I prepared just now and two things from earlier. In order of recentcyness:

The Source Of Denial

Confession time.

All those anonymous sources you see quoted in the media: me.

I am every anonymous source. I am also every anonymous twitter account, but you know me best as every anonymous source.

All of them. Each one.

Actually, since we're telling the truth, perhaps not all of them. Some anonymous sources have useful or important information. Sometimes it's even verifiable. None of those are me. But I've been working on crowding them out and mostly, these days, it's me.

I've also done a little work on the real anonymous twitter accounts. More>>

There Is No Surveillance In New Zealand

There is no surveillance in New Zealand
There is no one listening to your phones
There is no surveillance in New Zealand
You can all crawl back under you stones

But everybody's talking about the GCSB
Everybody's talking about the GCSB
Picking on their own country
With digital technology

We have no
emails
We have no
textses
We have no
web histories
We have no
webcam chats
webcam chats
no no
More>>

Werewolf: Voting By The Good Book

1 The words of the Satirist, the son of guy called Jim, mostly just publishes press releases on Scoop.

2 Vanity of vanities, saith the Satirist, vanity of vanities; all is vanity.

3 What profit hath a man of all his efforts to decide who to vote for?

4 One leader passeth away, and another leader cometh: but the attempted superficial charm abideth for ever.

5 The poll riseth, and the poll goeth down, and hasteth to his place whence it arose.

6 The party go-eth toward nationalism, and turneth about unto harsh justice policy, then maybe beneficiary bashing or tax cuts; it whirleth about continually, and the party returneth again according to his circuits.

7 All the candidates call for the policy; yet the policy is not released; those from whence most demands come, are most barren of it.
More>>

Labels: elections, media, nz politics, privacy, satire, surveillance

I may get to making a picture but for once the blog can have this fresh:

Laundering Dirty Politics

Prime Minister John Key, Probably: Well you have to remember Nicky Hager is a well-known conspiracy theorist.

SN: In that he is presenting evidence of people conspiring, secretly, to do things?

PMJK,P: Exactly. Point proven.

SN: Some of which sound illegal.

PM: They don't sound illegal to me.

SN: Why not?

PM: I'm not listening.

More>>

Labels: books, dirty politics, hacking, john key, journalism, nicky hager, nz politics, potplants

Werewolf 49:
From The Hood : Carry On Captaining

Oh hello. Scanner Technician Davis. To what do I owe the pleasure?

You think we’re what?

Oh, pish. This vessel has been travelling along smoothly for generations – particularly smoothly in the last few years though I say so myself – and I happen to know we have never once been hit by an asteroid, so put your mind at rest. Good day. More>>

***

And on Scoop:
Colin Craig Buys Into Civilian Party

At a surprise press conference this morning, Conservative Party leader Colin Craig and Civilian Party leader Ben Uffindell announced plans to form an alliance to contest the 2014 General Election...

Asked whether an alliance between an iconoclastic mocker of the status quo with a rich white man who personifies everything that's ludicrous about the establishment seemed unlikely, Craig explained that "apparently that's the way these things normally work". More>>

Labels: climate change, Colin Craig, nz politics, satire, The Civilian, werewolf

Oh hey. I wrote some things this year...

March: From The Hood : Unofficial Cabinet Manuals

“You, of course, are wronged.

It is unfair. Promoting New Zealand enterprise is the government’s job. Yet suddenly speaking favourably of a company’s product is wrong. Just because your husband happens to be a director.

As if he could possibly get any benefit from that. As if any benefit he could get from that could match that supreme joy of being chosen as your life-mate. More>>

April: From The Hood : Fol-De-Royal

On Monday, the royals landed in New Zealand. Stepping out of the plane, the Duke of Cambridge was resplendent in his red Catherine Walker coat and matching pillbox hat by Gina Foster. He was also wearing a diamond and platinum silver fern brooch, on loan from the Queen. Baby George won the heart of the nation by exhibiting his impression of a disappointed Winston Churchill. More>>

Werewolf: From The Hood : Finding A Happy Media

I’m still not sure why the PM never engages – whether it really is because of the bottom feeders and trolls, or because he doesn’t want the Internet to see him acting like he does in Question Time, or because he hasn’t worked out how to charge twenty dollars per response on behalf of the National Party. But it struck me he must have a huge backlog, which doesn’t seem right. In New Zealand we’re proud of how accessible our politicians are.

So I thought I should have a go at answering them. I am doing this in John Key’s capacity as Prime Minister. I figured that what with all those fundraisers where he’s not in his capacity as Prime Minister, he wouldn’t mind me borrowing it for a bit. In that spirit, let’s clear up some of those unanswered questions. I thought I’d start with some of mine. More>>

Labels: nz politics, royal tour, satire, twitter, werewolf

Oh hey, I did not blog this yet. Come on with those clicks.

Werewolf: The Masque Of The Blue Line

It was a good party, up to a point.

The trouble started with the idea of seeing whose costume was scariest. We decided to hold a competition: a series of one-on-one eliminations ending with one super-scary winner. Like with the Act Party.

More>>

Labels: asset sales, halloween, immigration, nz politics, politics of fear, satire, welfare

werewolf » From The Hood : Pure Petroleume

Lorde parody, based on a general idea which must be among the three most obvious Royals parody ideas (done at least once). But turned out to be good timing, what with yesterday's news.

Labels: cars, climate change, energy policy, lorde, nz politics, oil, parody, royals, transport

From The Hood: Armchairs At Dawn

“Wastage!” – Granger spoke the word like a man who was settling the argument once and for all. Interesting because, far from arguing with him, I had hardly sat down and opened my newspaper. To tell the truth I hadn’t noticed he was awake. More>>

From Werewolf 42, an Aussie election special.

By the way the image there is something Gordon found on the Internet, and is no relation.

Also: come see me in The Young and the WITless 7: Small Town, Big Hearts. We're at the new Fringe Bar every Wednesday. Except for the one that's at Bats.

Labels: asset sales, nz politics, referendum, waste, werewolf

Werewolf » From The Hood : Ars Tonga, Vita Brevis

From the new Werewolf. The end of the column is probably more satirey, now I look at it.

Labels: GCSB, nz politics, signs, spying, Tonga, tourism

The One True Submission On The GCSB Bills

http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL1307/S00069/lyndon-hood-the-one-true-submission-on-the-gcsb-bills.htm INTRODUCTION

1. The following is my oral submission on the GCSB and Related Legislation Amendment Bill and Telecommunications Interception Capability and Security Bill.

2. It would be my written submission but they will NOT LET ME HAVE A PEN which is COMPLETELY UNFAIR as it was just that one time and I am feeling much better now.

3. They also will not let me out for the committee hearing but I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME!

4. I am currently employed as a legal advisor to various state security agencies.

5. I noticed none of the agencies this bill refers to were submitting, so I thought I would have a go!!

6. These opinions are entirely my own.

7. To make sure these opinions are entirely my own I am wearing MY SPECIAL HAT.

8. I live in the basement of an office building on Aitken Street. They tell me I am safe here.

9. I am the guy who was in charge of INTERPRETING THE LAW to decide whether or not it was legal for the GCSB to spy on New Zealanders.

10. Previous relevant work also includes INTERPRETING THE LAW to decide whether it was legal for police to put video cameras on people's land without their permission (which was TOTALLY LEGAL) and also negotiating a peace treaty between the New Zealand Crown and the Gnome People Who Live Under My Bunk.

11. I support these bills.

12. So it's not just that one guy. There is also me!!!

THE LEGAL STATUS QUO

13. Sometimes legislation talks to me.

14. Section 14 of the GCSB Act (2003) states:

Interceptions not to target domestic communications Neither the Director, nor an employee of the Bureau, nor a person acting on behalf of the Bureau may authorise or take any action for the purpose of intercepting the communications of a person (not being a foreign organisation or a foreign person) who is a New Zealand citizen or a permanent resident.

15. This law is CONFUSING!!! 16. It is CONFUSING because it seems to say it is NOT LEGAL for the GCSB to do something that it actually WOULD LIKE TO DO!!!!

17. ORDINARY MORTALS might think that it means the GCSB is never allowed to spy on New Zealanders.

18. But that is just the SURFACE MEANING!!!

19. I am the keeper of a HIDDEN MEANING of the GCSB Act (2003).

20. The reading of hidden meaning was rediscovered and perfected in EGYPT by the KNIGHTS TEMPLAR.

21. I like to tape acts of parliament the WALL and HIT MY HEAD AGAINST THEM and then have a little SLEEP.

22. ONLY THEN did the GCSB Act (2003) come to me in a dream and tell me its HIDDEN MEANING.

23. This HIDDEN MEANING of "Neither the Director, nor an employee of the Bureau, nor a person acting on behalf of the Bureau may authorise or take any action for the purpose of intercepting the communications of a person (not being a foreign organisation or a foreign person) who is a New Zealand citizen or a permanent resident." is that the GCSB is SOMETIMES ALLOWED to spy on New Zealanders.

24. So anyone who claims this bill is giving the spies extra powers for breaking the law, well they were not breaking the law they were COMPLYING WITH THE LAW'S HIDDEN MEANING.

25. These SOMETIMES ALLOWED cases include when the GCSB is assisting another agency that IS allowed to spy on New Zealanders.

26. All of us here genuinely think that is ARGUABLY LEGAL!!!!!

27. As long as you have to actually argue it, legally.

28. But that DOESN'T COUNT anyway because as the Urewera Video case show the courts CLEARLY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT INTERPRETING THE LAW.

29. And unless it's KIM DOTCOM, which we admitted WAS NOT LEGAL.

30. And also ignore that bit in the Dotcom affidavits where the GCSB tells the police they know they are NOT ALLOWED to spy on New Zealanders.

31. That was PROBABLY SOME KIND OF MISTAKE.

32. But it MADE ME ANGRY and now they will NOT LET ME HAVE A PEN!!!!!!

33. Also, intercepting METADATA is not the same as intercepting COMMUNICATIONS.

34. METADATA is like COMMUNICATIONS, except it only includes WHO you are talking to, WHEN you said it, WHERE you said it, and sometimes WHAT you were talking about.

35. Like looking at people's EMAIL LOGS.

36. That's NOT THE SAME as being spied on AT ALL!!!!!!!

37. Just ask Peter Dunne!!!!!!!!

38. The GCSB doing that is ARGUABLY LEGAL.

39. I even READ THE HANSARD from 2003 and they all said sentences that meant the GCSB was not allowed to spy on New Zealanders but during his speech Keith Locke turned to me and said "NIGEL ONLY YOU ARE WISE ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IS ARGUABLY LEGAL!!!!!!!!"

40. It's like a CODE only I can READ.

41. The GCSB UNDERSTANDS about CODES!!!!!!!

42. I would like to take this opportunity to thank my superiors and members of the security agencies for accepting my interpretation of laws NO MATTER HOW CONVENIENT IT IS FOR THEM to do so.

THE PROPOSED LEGISLATION

43. The bills before the Committee are a CLARIFICATION of the currently law.

44. It will make the law so clear that the LIGHT OF TRUTH will shine through it with the POWER OF ONE THOUSAND SUNS.

45. And LIKE THE SUN'S SOLAR ENERGY is transformed by human effort to sustain life in manifold ways, I will be able to make ANYTHING I WANT of the proposed bill.

46. YAY!!!!!!!!

47. These bills must be passed URGENTLY because thinking about things clouds the mind to HIDDEN MEANINGS.

48. Anyone who says it is not URGENT or wondering what the reason is we need to pass the bills AT ALL will not be saying that WHEN ALL THEIR CHILDREN ARE NIBBLED TO DEATH BY THE GNOMES!!!!!!!

49. International examples such as the NSA building a gigantic data centre in the Arizona desert and the Metropolitan Police spying on police corruption critics suggest TRUST US EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE!!!!!

50. And just quietly, the new law might actually make the NSA and GCHQ and everyone A BIT JEALOUS!!!!!!!!

51. I have no amendments to suggest.

52. What words you write does not matter.

53. The HIDDEN MEANING matters!!!!!!!!!!

54. I INVITE THE COMMITTEE to take a few moments to IMAGINE WHAT SOMEONE LIKE ME WILL BE ABLE TO COME UP WITH from a law that ACTUALLY SAYS we are allowed to spy on New Zealanders and gives a LIST OF EXCUSES we can use for doing so!!!!!!!!!!

55. YAY!!!!!!!!!!

56. I am looking forward to INTERPRETING the new GCSB legislation. I am sure the new law and I will be VERY GOOD FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

********

Labels: domestic surveillence, GCSB, Kim Dotcom, nsa, nz politics, satire, spying

Werewolf: From The Hood – Plot, Mega-Plot

Kim Dotcom took another spoonful of breakfast and decided it was time to start the day.

“Hey, computer: news!”

Yes, Mr Dotcom. a smooth computer-generated female voice replied.

The holo-projector promptly displayed a personalised selection of current reportage in the air above the bed. It took a moment for the lead story to register. Dotcom smiled grimly.

“Another one bites the dust,” he murmured. It was actually quite spectacular. He reflected that while he had badly wounded or at least embarrassed several of his opponents – the Prime Minister, the Deputy Prime Minister, the Police, the GCSB, the NSA, that singer/songwriter girl off The X Factor – the only really complete revenge he had managed up to the point was against Aaron Gilmore. And that was only over something disparaging Gilmore had said on Facebook and which, on reflection, Dotcom wasn’t even sure anyone else had noticed. Otherwise, slow progress.

Still, that was all in accordance with The Plan… More>>

From Werewolf 40, which also has Kim Dotcom interviews and such.

Labels: conspiracies, Kim Dotcom, Knights Templar, nz politics, peter dunne

Werewolf #39: Factual Correctness Gone Mad

In light of unspecified recent events, we thought it prudent to conduct a thorough review of recent statements to confirm their rigorous factualness.

Not just our statements – although you can imagine my shame when I discovered that nothing I had written for Werewolf during the sample period passed a basic fact check. Even the one about John Key’s cat. Oh, how I blushed.

We were more reviewing statements, generally.

In the interest of accuracy, we present some of our findings. More>>

Also in Werewolf Gordon Campbell with a big list of reasons not to be reassured about Anadarko.

Labels: Colin Craig, Erewhon, moonbeam, nz politics, satire

In Defence of Colin Crag

Satire by Lyndon Hood

Yesterday afternoon it emerged that Colin Craig had sent a defamation notice to satire website The Civilian.

This made me realise I have not yet explained exactly how much I admire Mr Craig. Allow me to do so now...

Full story on Scoop >>

Labels: Colin Craig, defamation, nz politics, satire, The Civilian

The new Werewolf came out last week. I wrote poem about sausages.

werewolf » From The Hood : Ich Bin Ein Wiener

Labels: nz politics, poetry, satire, sausages

From Werewolf 37:

Labels: economic policy, fake iphone texts, john key, nz politics, roads, satire, skycity

2012 In Revue: Lyndon Hood Satire & Images

Satire, editorial images and the occasion piece of non-news from The Year Of All The People In The News Basically Being A Bit Useless...

January: As part of worldwide action against Megaupload.com, police raid Kim Dotcom's Coatesville mansion, making arrests and seizing property. "Well that went rather well: sorted," police sources report.

Prime Minister John Key proposes 'keeping things interesting' with a year-long game of Tory Roulette, where National ministers take turns shooting their mouth off... More>>

Labels: images, nz politics, photochopping, satire, satirists