Lyndon Hood - Semi-Legendary, Wellington
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
On Scoop: Stone Peter, Craggy Colin And The White Man
How Humanity Stole The Power Of Saying Awful Things And Then Acting All Wronged When People Get Shocked By Them From The Gods
(I mean, surely that picture is worth a thousand words of you reading the words. After that you can make up your own mind.)
Labels: Colin Craig, epsom, immigration, Jamie Whyte, Maori-bashing, mythology, satire, Winston Peters
Lyndon Hood - iconographer, Wellington
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Satirists Urge Winston Not To Resign
http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL0808/S00251.htm
To The Right Honourable Winston Peters
Dear Right Honourable,
I write to you today on a matter of urgent public importance. I know that you are facing great pressure now and will no doubt face more in the future.
The risks could not be more grave. There has been talk of the end of your political career. We urge you not to let this happen. If it does, what in the name of all that's holy will we write about?
I'm sure everyone involved wants a swift end to these sordid proceedings. At least, I suspect several of those involved do. But you must not take the easy way out. My message is simple:
Do not resign!
The news-website-based satire industry needs you!
Even since the tragic loss of Don Brash, our one-ring political circus, full of backflippers, dead-fish swallowers and any number of wannabe ringmasters has had only one lead clown.
It's not that other politicians aren't risible, but you have reliably been a truly, inherently ludicrous MP. And now, just when your country needs you the most, you are under attack.
And it's not even really about what happened to all those bits of money. Well, it kind of is really about that, but if we're talking about dodgy party financing then people who live in parliament shouldn't throw stones.
Admittedly, you have spent years decrying just these kinds of financial shenanigans, and now you've been called on it. Although, come to think of it, the hypocrisy isn't that unusual round here either. Especially coming from you.
Which is kind of my point.
The man who says he'll turn down the baubles of office during a campaign that plays on jingoistic xenophobia and then becomes Foreign Minister; the man who demands journalists resign if they're proved wrong and, when they're proved right, repeats the demand; the Minister of a major sporting industry who doesn't accept the referee's call; the former Treasurer who thinks giving money to charity is restitution for wrongly getting it from the taxpayer; the former Treasurer who gets confused about who paid his court costs award - you practically write it yourself.
I salute you. You are a natural provocation to ridicule, you make it so easy; you have been the training wheels for a generation of political joculators.
You have achieved that complex and nuanced kind of paranoia where you manage to act irrationally even allowing for the way they are all out to get you. And as the saying goes, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean you're not also a raving narcissist.
Furthermore, you have brought on your coat-tails some of our most ridiculous modern parliamentarians. I look forward to a future where you voters - the KKK and Norman Bates' mum and so on - continue to be represented in Parliament with you at the helm, as roundly derided as you have been in the past,
For the sake of our country, you must stay.
And let's face it, you thrive on this stuff. Being hounded by a conspiracy of the powers that be merely for being financially shonky or a rotten human being or whatever gets you votes.
So keep that chin up! If this goes on much longer you could get even more MPs. I would, professionally speaking, look forward to that!
While I can't promise that the satire industry your presence fosters will make a huge contribution to the fledgling knowledge economy, it can at least mitigate the effects of the booming idiocy sector. And frankly, I'm saving for a house.
So lets have some of that Olympic spirit - the last few yards may be the hardest, but you can't stop now just when you're about to achieve gold.
Pure, comedy gold.
Yours,
The People of New Zealand.
P.S. Please find enclosed a two dollars. Shh!
Labels: nz politics, satire, Winston Peters
Lyndon Hood - suggester, Wellington
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
New Hood: Things To Do About Winston Peters
Sort of a case of donee kebab.
I was going to add a few bonus suggestions here, but then I realised they would just be the ones I didn't like enough to put in the actual column.
And right now I actually just feel sorry for him on account of his mum.
Anyhow, in lieu of more Winston jokes, here's something that amused me while looking at the headline "Te Wiki o te Reo Maori puts Maori language online".
Would it not, I said to myself, be funny if it the site was a wiki.
Sort of a case of donee kebab.
I was going to add a few bonus suggestions here, but then I realised they would just be the ones I didn't like enough to put in the actual column.
And right now I actually just feel sorry for him on account of his mum.
Anyhow, in lieu of more Winston jokes, here's something that amused me while looking at the headline "Te Wiki o te Reo Maori puts Maori language online".
Would it not, I said to myself, be funny if it the site was a wiki.
Labels: maori, nz politics, satire, Winston Peters
Lyndon Hood - Classi-to-the-shiz-icist
Sunday, May 20, 2007
I would blog of the media awards, except I'm suffering from factors. Here's something I mostly prepared earlier.
You might recall my previous comments on New Zealand First's uneasy relationship with the classics.
Well, I don't want to indulge in intellectual chauvanism. And I don't want to do anything to discourage people who try to bring a broad range of thought to bear on legislative debate.
So, rather than personal criticism, I'd like you to think of this as a indulgent comment on the fallibility of humanity.
I happened to be listening to Parliament the other day, due to failing to turn it off after question time (I've been hanging out for the Hansard to come up). Defending his SeniorGold card from anti-microchip and related doomsayers he explained how completely innocent it all was and followed up with this...
It's a common enough, in fact it's something of a cliché, to describe uncredible doomsayers as Cassandras. Which misses a critical point.
Cassandra's curse, as the story goes, was to prophesy doom accurately and not be believed. Which was just the start of her trouble. This kind of cheerful malice on the part of the gods might be considered the Greek's way of saying that life kind of sucks sometimes.
Anyhow, my point is, to call people who think you actions will have bad consequences Cassandras is not precisely a killer hit.
As I say, indulging human frailty. Indulge, indulge.
Though the way Winston went on to say
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New Hood: Lyndon Hood: Budget Crisis - Lack of Nickname
You might recall my previous comments on New Zealand First's uneasy relationship with the classics.
Well, I don't want to indulge in intellectual chauvanism. And I don't want to do anything to discourage people who try to bring a broad range of thought to bear on legislative debate.
So, rather than personal criticism, I'd like you to think of this as a indulgent comment on the fallibility of humanity.
I happened to be listening to Parliament the other day, due to failing to turn it off after question time (I've been hanging out for the Hansard to come up). Defending his SeniorGold card from anti-microchip and related doomsayers he explained how completely innocent it all was and followed up with this...
It is not too difficult, and I hope that member has finally got it, instead of being some doomsaying Cassandra, as Ron Mark says...As it happens, Winston may have been let down by his wingman on this one.
It's a common enough, in fact it's something of a cliché, to describe uncredible doomsayers as Cassandras. Which misses a critical point.
Cassandra's curse, as the story goes, was to prophesy doom accurately and not be believed. Which was just the start of her trouble. This kind of cheerful malice on the part of the gods might be considered the Greek's way of saying that life kind of sucks sometimes.
Anyhow, my point is, to call people who think you actions will have bad consequences Cassandras is not precisely a killer hit.
As I say, indulging human frailty. Indulge, indulge.
Though the way Winston went on to say
...But she does not know what the word "Cassandra" means or where it comes from, and never will know.is kind of the icing on the cake.
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New Hood: Lyndon Hood: Budget Crisis - Lack of Nickname
Labels: classics, cliches, satire, seniorgold card, Winston Peters
