The Christchurch Dialogues
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Gerry Brownlee to be played by first person with immaculate comic timing that comes to hand. Scoop to be played by his straight man.
Scoop: So – this Canterbury Earthquake Response and Recovery Act.
Brownlee: Yeah. So with y'know the RMA and so on we were a bit worried we wouldn't be able to get on with the job of rebuilding. I mean, it wasn't designed for this situation, was it? It'd be ages just getting basic consents. So we all got together and decided the best thing, the best thing to do, for the recovery of Canterbury, was to pass a law that let me – well, the Executive Council but, y'know, me – to let me just rewrite any law I wanted to.
Scoop: Isn't it Parliament that makes laws?
Brownlee: Well, it used to. Now it's me.
Scoop: Just laws about Canterbury?
Brownlee: No, everywhere.
Scoop: Any law?
Brownlee: Well not any law obviously. That would be ridiculous. Clearly there have to be limits. Like I'm not allowed to rewrite the Electoral Act or the Constitution Act or the Bill of Rights or… or… there's another one I can't rewrite…
Scoop: I'm guessing not the Resource Management Act?
Brownlee: No, you're right, I can do that one. Specifically mentioned.
Scoop: The Commerce Act?
Brownlee: That too.
Scoop: The Hoildays Act?
Brownlee: That's not it.
Scoop: The Crown Minerals Act?
Brownlee: Ha, no.
Scoop: The Crimes Act?
Brownlee: No.
Scoop: I wouldn't have thought you'd need to rewrite the Crimes Act …
Brownlee: Oh man, tip of my tongue.
Scoop: So if you wanted you could, say, make fraudulently obtaining a passport legal.
Brownlee: Hahaha. Yep.
Scoop: Or raise the drink-driving limit?
Brownlee: Don't be ridiculous.
Scoop: The Decimal Currency Act?
Brownlee: That's not it, I can change that one.
Scoop: But why would you …
Brownlee: Shh, I've almost got it…
[pause]
Scoop: The Abolition of the Death Penalty Act? The Accident Compensation Act? Acts and Regulations Publication Act, Administration Act, Admiralty Act, Admiralty House Act Repeal Act, Adoption Act, Adoption (Intercountry) Act…
Brownlee: Ooh, the Adopti… No, no sorry, can rewrite all of those…
Scoop: The Adult Adoption Information Act, Affiliate Te Arawa Iwi and Hapu Claims Settlement Act, Age of Majority Act, Agricultural and Pastoral Societies Act, Agricultural Compounds and Veterinary Medicines Act, Aid to Water-Power Works Act …
Brownlee: Look, you're just distracting. Oh never mind, I'm sure it it'll come to me. Where were we?
Scoop: Don't you think this is undemocratic?
Brownlee: Well I can't stop the elections.
Scoop: True.
Brownlee: Well, I can, but only local elections.
Scoop: Oh, yes, because you'd already sacked Environment Canterbury.
Brownlee: Actually I meant if I want to I can rewrite the Local Electoral Act, but you've got a point there. Look, just because I've been granted absolute powers over New Zealand's laws, doesn't mean I'll exercise them.
Scoop: So who'll decide if you do?
Brownlee: Me. But I'm sure the opposition is will provide plenty of scrutiny.
Scoop: Scrutiny?
Brownlee: That's right.
Scoop: So if you decide to go about randomly rewriting the laws enacted by New Zealand's Parliament…
Brownlee: … everyone will watch very closely while I do it. Scrutiny, see, very important. And we'll consult too, which as you know means…
Scoop: Before you randomly rewrite the laws you'll tell everyone.
Brownlee: I promise. Can't ask for fairer than that.
Scoop: And this bill that lets you do this passed unanimously?
Brownlee: Yes.
Scoop: What was Parliament thinking?
Brownlee: Anybody that dumb, I couldn't begin to guess what their motives are.
Scoop: Doesn't this all seem a bit authoritarian to you?
Brownlee: 'Authoritarian'. Yes, I think that's exactly the word. Well done.
Scoop: So your Government…
Brownlee: I'll just write that down.
Scoop: Your Government rammed through the Super City and disestablished the Canterbury local government. One of your Ministers released personal information on people who complained about their policies. Is authoritarianism your answer to everything?
Brownlee: I wouldn't say that.
Scoop: I know you wouldn't say it, but is it true?
Brownlee: I don't think it's very fair.
Scoop: Well can you think of any problem you wouldn't solve with authoritarianism?
Brownlee: Well, I, for example if my problem was I wanted a cup of tea, I might boil the jug or I might ask someone to make some for me.
Scoop: And if there wasn't any tea?
Brownlee: Well, if it was like that I suppose I would go for the authoritarianism.
Scoop: Perhaps you'd commandeer some tea?
Brownlee: Obviously I'd have to suspend the Crimes Act first otherwise it would be stealing. But look, that's not reason to go around calling us names. Some might say that's hampering the reconstruction effort.
Scoop: Oh.
Brownlee: There must still be a gallows somewhere in this country.
Scoop: Sorry, Sir.
Brownlee: If you oppose this legislation you're against rebuilding Canterbury! Why do you love earthquakes?
Scoop: But I ... You're loving this aren't you?
Brownlee: Yep.
Scoop: You [expletive deleted]
Brownlee: The Judicature Amendment Act! That's it! I knew I'd get it eventually.
Labels: christchurch earthquake, dooooom, gerry brownlee, legislation, nz politics, satire
The Week In Toxication
Friday, August 27, 2010
Original image by Takeaway
"I would there were no age between sixteen and three-and-twenty, or that youth would sleep out the rest; for there is nothing in the between but getting wenches with child, wronging the ancientry, stealing, fighting"
– A Winter's Tale
Sorry if this seems unconnected. Got hammered playing the policy announcement drinking game.
"Minister basically admits meaningful measures may damage standing with crucial, massive 'drunk' vote." Consume.
"Satirist complains of demarcation due to the above." Consume.
And it's true. Most New Zealanders don't have a drinking problem. We're really good at drinking.
John Key explains casinos would be allowed to keep their bars open at all hours was all right because people are primarily there to gamble.
Demarcation. Consume.
Incomplete list of other venues whose patrons' primary purpose is not drinking:
• Strip bars.
I'm just going to take all these tiny paragraphs and call it opinion writing for the Twitter generation. Style problems fixed.
Govt recognizes need to reduce alcohol-related harm. Such as what Police, Fire Service and Defence Force might do to us if we took away their unregulated bars.
Actually, that doesn't seem fair. They should be made to put up those posters like everyone else.
That's the current extent of licensing law, right? You have to put up those posters?
In fairness, if I spent all day fighting crime and putting out fires and shooting guns, I would want to be drunk when I was doing it.
No, that's not fair. I'd want to be hung over.
Just kidding, right. We're buddies yeah? Love you, man. Gizza hug.
Now, as far as I'm concerned there's nothing wrong with announcing you're gonna consult an expert group, as long as it's not ideologically stacked. But when it happens I still have to take a drink.
Key on casinos again: "Like it or not, casinos everywhere stay open all night. Except for the one that don't."
Okay, definitely feeling a bit sozzled now.
Couple of dozen more might put me over the driving limit.
Lucky I'm not this in a month or so, or I'd have to pay extra consumption tax.
Initially I thought the increase in consumption tax was to stop Edwardian waifs picturesquely coughing to death. Turns out, it's a GST hike.
So the idea with those new Iwi/Kiwi billboards is pretty much "sure we were wrong last time, and that's exactly why you should panic now. Look out! He's wearing a feather cloak!"
Interesting bit of statistics: when all the low income earners get fired it drives up the average weekly wage. But in the billboard case, it's 'my tendency to make snarky comments' that has just become redundant.
"So how about that ACT Party then?"
Okay, so we're out of Lion Brown. If anyone needs to offload some of those full-strength RTDs before the law changes…
This is obviously why they call it a "session" of Parliament. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Heather Roy should harden up. The cage fighting death matches are what makes the Westminster system great.
I wish to point out a spelling mistake. Rodney Hide is listed as Leader of ACT. But the German for 'regrettably' is Leider and it's also pronounced differently.
Urgh.
Drinking game going really badly. Off to drown sorrows.
Labels: alcohol, legislation, liquor, nz politics, satire, youth being convenient scapegoats even if I didn't mention it
Submission On ETS Amendment Bill
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
I wish to make a submission on the Climate Change Response (Moderated Emissions Trading) Amendment Bill. Official submissions have closed, but that’s all right, as I mean to to publish my mine here, where someone who cares might read it.
I OPPOSE the Climate Change Response (Moderated Emissions Trading) Amendment Bill.
1. While its purpose is laudable, I believe the mechanism is inappropriate.
2. The most notable change brought about by this bill would be giving polluters, to 2050, one hundred billion dollars ($100 000 000 000), money which under the scheme as it stands would go to the Government. (See figure 1.)
3. That’s one hundred billion dollars less incentive for the economy to reduce carbon emissions, and one hundred billion dollars less money for tax cuts, hip operations, trips to Hawaii, buying Kyoto credits and so on.
4. As I say, I am right behind that idea, but the proposed system for delivering the money is unnecessarily complicated.
Click to enlarge
[figure 1]
5. Since, under the proposed intensity-based system, polluters will be able to gain credits by reducing emissions and by increasing them – why not just hand these industries a great big cheque?
6. In these difficult times, with the government fighting a “decade of deficits” and wondering how to pay for ACC, I think the nation would be cheered by the spectacle of Nick Smith handing polluters a giant novelty cheque for one hundred billion dollars.
7. A giant novelty cheque made of coal.
8. No no no – made of diamonds.
9. By the way, I apologise if I’ve said anything racist. Apparently I’ve got no idea what counts as racism. Judging by what everyone else says, I tend to mistake it for someone’s self-serving justification of their own sense of entitlement. Which is, in itself, less despicable and – perhaps even among politicians – more common.
10. Also, if a reporter can’t tell the difference between a simple declaration and a rhetorical exaggeration wrapped in a conditional statement, they should be shot.
11. Where was I?
12. I may be mistaken about the purpose of this bill. It might be that it is not designed to hand vast amounts of cash to industry.
13. Perhaps it is done out of enthusiasm of global warming. Or the National Party’s much-voiced antipathy to Government surpluses.
14. If the second option is the case, I suggest we should pour the money into a hole in the ground.
15. As well as minimising transaction costs, this would sequester the carbon content of five billion (5 000 000 000) twenty dollar notes.
16. I release that may be of little – even entirely rhetorical – benefit to net New Zealand carbon emissions. But even that much would be an improvement on the current bill.
17. I do not wish to speak to my motherf*****g submission.
Labels: climate change, emission trading scheme, hone harawira, legislation, nz politics, rodney hide, satire
Lyndon Hood - vs vampires, Wellington
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Werewolf V is here.
I wrote a thing for it. It is not all entirely true.
I’m not a great one for keeping commitments made on this blog, but I think I can improve on one column every two months. I don’t think it was just me; is it something in the air? I took to saying they seemed daft enough at the moment without me pointing it out.
Also, it’s been busy at the office. I have done a bit of work in the humour line which may possibly see the light of day at some point.
Anyhow, speaking of press releases, in the meantime I saw In The Loop at the cinema and managed to catch Live At Six at Bats. (Incidentally, I have never been on the Bats waiting list and failed to get in.)
These are interestingly parallel and basically realistic condemnations of the state of mass-consumer politics and media respectively. It’s probably historical utopianism, but those institutions seem to have done for debate the same thing supermarkets did for food.
They also both featured a terrifyingly capable amoral PR fixer, a type which now I think about it is a satire almost by itself. Though In The Loop also made a point of being cruel to him, which was nice.
Another thing they had in common was they made Lyndon feel inadequate.
Note to self: write more stuff.
Arts Festival looks good, by the way (I refer to the programme rather than the visual identity). And I'm not just saying that because of all their wine I drunk at the launch. We will be soliciting reviewers in due course...
Click to enlarge
Labels: human rights, in the loop, legislation, live at six, nz politics, press releases, satire, wellington international arts festival, werewolf
Lyndon Hood - bloody sampley, Wellington
Thursday, October 15, 2009
A Bill to help Police solve more crime by expanding the collection and use of DNA samples passed its second reading in Parliament last night.
The Criminal Investigations (Bodily Samples) Amendment Bill allows police to collect DNA from people they 'intend to charge', and to match it against samples from unsolved crimes.
Note Simon Power's scare-quotes.
"Ah yes, Sir," says the policeman, "We 'intend to charge' you. Now roll your sleeve up."
Labels: bodily samples, crime, dna, legislation, nz politics, police
