Lyndon Hood - kind of worried now, Wellington
Monday, August 04, 2014
From The Hood : Carry On Captaining
Oh hello. Scanner Technician Davis. To what do I owe the pleasure?
You think we’re what?
Oh, pish. This vessel has been travelling along smoothly for generations – particularly smoothly in the last few years though I say so myself – and I happen to know we have never once been hit by an asteroid, so put your mind at rest. Good day. More>>
And on Scoop:
Colin Craig Buys Into Civilian Party
At a surprise press conference this morning, Conservative Party leader Colin Craig and Civilian Party leader Ben Uffindell announced plans to form an alliance to contest the 2014 General Election...
Asked whether an alliance between an iconoclastic mocker of the status quo with a rich white man who personifies everything that's ludicrous about the establishment seemed unlikely, Craig explained that "apparently that's the way these things normally work". More>>
Labels: climate change, Colin Craig, nz politics, satire, The Civilian, werewolf
Lyndon Hood - Lyndone Hoode, Wellington
Friday, October 04, 2013
werewolf » From The Hood : Pure Petroleume
Lorde parody, based on a general idea which must be among the three most obvious Royals parody ideas (done at least once). But turned out to be good timing, what with yesterday's news.
Labels: cars, climate change, energy policy, lorde, nz politics, oil, parody, royals, transport
Submission On ETS Amendment Bill
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
I wish to make a submission on the Climate Change Response (Moderated Emissions Trading) Amendment Bill. Official submissions have closed, but that’s all right, as I mean to to publish my mine here, where someone who cares might read it.
I OPPOSE the Climate Change Response (Moderated Emissions Trading) Amendment Bill.
1. While its purpose is laudable, I believe the mechanism is inappropriate.
2. The most notable change brought about by this bill would be giving polluters, to 2050, one hundred billion dollars ($100 000 000 000), money which under the scheme as it stands would go to the Government. (See figure 1.)
3. That’s one hundred billion dollars less incentive for the economy to reduce carbon emissions, and one hundred billion dollars less money for tax cuts, hip operations, trips to Hawaii, buying Kyoto credits and so on.
4. As I say, I am right behind that idea, but the proposed system for delivering the money is unnecessarily complicated.
Click to enlarge
[figure 1]
5. Since, under the proposed intensity-based system, polluters will be able to gain credits by reducing emissions and by increasing them – why not just hand these industries a great big cheque?
6. In these difficult times, with the government fighting a “decade of deficits” and wondering how to pay for ACC, I think the nation would be cheered by the spectacle of Nick Smith handing polluters a giant novelty cheque for one hundred billion dollars.
7. A giant novelty cheque made of coal.
8. No no no – made of diamonds.
9. By the way, I apologise if I’ve said anything racist. Apparently I’ve got no idea what counts as racism. Judging by what everyone else says, I tend to mistake it for someone’s self-serving justification of their own sense of entitlement. Which is, in itself, less despicable and – perhaps even among politicians – more common.
10. Also, if a reporter can’t tell the difference between a simple declaration and a rhetorical exaggeration wrapped in a conditional statement, they should be shot.
11. Where was I?
12. I may be mistaken about the purpose of this bill. It might be that it is not designed to hand vast amounts of cash to industry.
13. Perhaps it is done out of enthusiasm of global warming. Or the National Party’s much-voiced antipathy to Government surpluses.
14. If the second option is the case, I suggest we should pour the money into a hole in the ground.
15. As well as minimising transaction costs, this would sequester the carbon content of five billion (5 000 000 000) twenty dollar notes.
16. I release that may be of little – even entirely rhetorical – benefit to net New Zealand carbon emissions. But even that much would be an improvement on the current bill.
17. I do not wish to speak to my motherf*****g submission.
Labels: climate change, emission trading scheme, hone harawira, legislation, nz politics, rodney hide, satire
Climate Science: Act Doesn’t Feel The Heat
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Click to enlarge
The Act party, in their minority report on the recent review of the emissions trading scheme, have argued that man-made global warming should not be considered a threat. Because they know better.
Thanks to a memo we found stuck to our shoe after leaving the Parliament toilet block, Scoop can now reveal some other policies that Act plans based on this attitude to mainstream science.
ITEM: Disestablish crown research institutes like GNS Science and AgResearch; have Rodney date rocks and sequence cow genomes using his common sense.
ITEM: Unequivocally condemn fire-bombing the offices of one’s enemies. People you disagree with should be burned at the stake.
ITEM: Nuclear power plants + massive deregulation → radioactive waste everywhere → we all get awesome superpowers.
ITEM: “Teach the controversy” on John B’s perpetual motion machine.
ITEM: Establish PPP project to build a tunnel through the Earth’s crust, so we can exploit the resource-rich realms of its hollow interior.
ITEM: Do we really need more policies? Because at this rate every one of our Parliamentary Questions until the election will be about ‘a light smack for the purpose of correction’.
ITEM: Increase productivity by having everyone leave saucers of milk out at night.
• will promote the dairy industry.
• will free up labour by encouraging elves to do the housework.
ITEM: Except we won’t have a dairy industry, because we’ll have swapped all our cows for magic beans.
ITEM: Get everyone magnetic underlays instead.
ITEM: Any demonstrated warming of climate can be mitigated by the cooling fan-effect of everyone face-palming when Act makes pronouncements about climate science.
Labels: act party, climate change, nz politics, pseudoscience, satire
The Week In Brief
Monday, July 27, 2009
Click to enlarge
Health: Controversy Over Mandatory Fortification Of Bread With "Wheat"
Prime Minister John Key has stalled plans for the mandatory inclusion of "wheat" in bread.
"Wheat" is a naturally-occurring substance, rich in protein and carbohydrates. It also includes fibre and nutrients such as iron, zinc and vitamin B9 (also known as folic acid) which are not found in most New Zealand bread. Wheat is added to baked goods in many European countries.
Only organic bread would have been exempt from the requirement.
There has been a growing media storm over the issue. After mixed messages from Food Safety Minister Kate Wilkinson, Key stepped in and decisively announced further consultation followed by three more years of just basically doing nothing.
While public health experts are in favour of fortification, some opponents have described this plan to give everyone medication as 'mass medication'.
Food industry representatives praised Key's decision, saying the original idea was ridiculous.
"I mean, what's next?" asked one. "Chocolate made with cocoa butter?"
There have been no announcements on more recent plans to improve the nation's literacy by fortifying bread with spelt flour.
Law Reform: Power Proposes New "Being A Total Jerk" Offence
Following widespread public disapproval of the conduct of Clayton Weatherston's murder trial, Justice Minister Simon Power has announced plans for a new offence of "acting like a complete wanker".
"New Zealanders have made their opinion clear," said Power, "it's one thing to brutally murder a fellow human being. But if everyone knows you did it, you should at least pretend to be sorry. Or shut up."
"The rest of the vicious narcissistic murderers can sort that out. If somebody can't, their sentences should reflect that kind of gratuitous asshattery."
"At the end of the day, there's no law against conducting your defence as you see fit, within the rules of the court," said the Minister.
"That's a loophole we hope to clear up soon."
Power has also asked the Law Commission to investigate using the number of TV hours on a trial and its aftermath as an exacerbating factor in sentencing. TV hours are allocated partly by national importance, and partly by trained hamsters.
Politics: Raising Profile Maybe Not Such A Good Idea After All - Goff
Phil Goff, who according to the Labour research unit is the leader of the opposition, has reportedly spent the weekend wondering if drawing attention to himself is in fact good for his image.
Phil Goff had announced a plan of abolishing the income threshold for the dole, from which he later backtracked. In an article in the New Zealand Herald the policy had as its 'needy' poster-child a man who turned out to own several properties.
According to later versions of the article on the Herald website, the Labour Party secretly inserted the original article into the newspaper during the typesetting phase. An embarrassed Herald is reportedly considering a 'research' capability to 'investigate' future stories, though sources admit this would be radical departure. "Our subeditor is quite busy as it is," said one, "the poor thing's so stressed he's gone off his kibble".
The incident is likely to prove an ongoing political embarrassment to Labour and to hamper the party's media relations. Goff, however, intends to persevere.
"After all," he said, "the polls couldn't be worse."
"Surely."
Climate Change: New Zealand To Stand On Proud Record Of Doing Nothing
In the face of mounting international consensus on the need for action on climate change, New Zealand intends to rely on its reputation for vague intentions backed by no action.
After the results of widespread public consultation favour strong action, Climate Change Minister Nick Smith has explained that New Zealand's emissions target should take into account the way "we haven't done anything towards it in the past and don't want to do anything in the future."
Since human-induced climate change was recognised as a problem, New Zealand has failed to introduce a carbon tax, then briefly introduced an emissions trading scheme, until we realised it wasn't watered-down enough.
"This Government has delayed the ETS and taken a range of other policy decisions such as cutting funding for public transport," said Smith, "So really, we're starting at a disadvantage. Is that fair?"
"Let me be clear: Doing nothing is no longer an option," he said.
"The time has come to do as little as possible."
Welfare: Key Describes Wife As "Solo Mum"
In a hard-hitting interview with the Dominion Post, John Key has described his wife Bronagh as a "solo mother".
The Prime Minister and self-confessed deadbeat dad apparently did not mean to suggest that the mother of his children was scraping by on the DPB or a series of low-paying part time jobs without support from a father and wondering where the next meal is going to come from.
My Key later clarified his comments, say that he is quite in touch, actually.
Asked whether the "solo mum" line was written for him by a trained hamster, Mr Key answered in the affirmative, saying that he had come up with it himself.
Labels: clayton weatherston, climate change, folate, john key, justice, nz politics, phil goff, satire, welfare
Lyndon Hood - Cold, Wellington
Friday, May 01, 2009
Their latest statment (on the Zespri carbon footprinting study) names as the source of its quotes "the Coalition statement".
Apparently Mr Statement hasn't considered the possibility that the actual fruit might be carbon neutral.
Labels: climate change, climate science coalition, press releases
Lyndon Hood - diurnal emitter, Wellington
Monday, May 12, 2008
For what it's worth, this morning I remembered a further explanation I meant to include for the term 'grandparenting': "the way, at this rate, those who are currently children will be grandparents before a proper scheme gets implemented".
So, there you go. Director's cut.
Elsewhere - as you may have read in places with more punch than here - The Dim-Post gets a room.
Late Bonus: http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL0805/S00159.htm
Labels: climate change, graphics, nz politics, satire
Lyndon Hood - late at the office, Wellington
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
"[a] little beauty"
- Some guy on Public Address System
"Geekish. Column. Ever."
- Lyndon Hood
And to repeat, also of note are Right To Smack, the website dedicated to a parent's right to lovingly beat their children as part of good parental correction, and "Flat Earth NZ chapter reaches out to climate skeptics."
Oh, and on the perils rather than the examples of satire, a little while ago the Boston Herald mistook a Borowitz Report piece (Cheney Challenges Hillary to Hunting Contest) for fact. For more of Andy Borowitz's magic the current lead is Democratic Race ‘Too Mean,’ Say Swift Boat Veterans.
Labels: andy borowitz, climate change, colossal cave adventure, nz politics, satire, section 59, zork
