New On Scoop: Top Five Politicians 2015 'Tis the season for making lists! We’ve been flipping every coin we could lay our hands on and now we present the top five most toppest top political performers of 2015. Because otherwise, how will you know who to like? More>> That' just been updated on Serco news. Stand by for seasonal update containing stuff that I failed to link from here in earlier months. Maybe.

Labels: john key, judith collins, me not updating blogs properly, nz politics, satire, scoop, Serco

I may get to making a picture but for once the blog can have this fresh:

Laundering Dirty Politics

Prime Minister John Key, Probably: Well you have to remember Nicky Hager is a well-known conspiracy theorist.

SN: In that he is presenting evidence of people conspiring, secretly, to do things?

PMJK,P: Exactly. Point proven.

SN: Some of which sound illegal.

PM: They don't sound illegal to me.

SN: Why not?

PM: I'm not listening.

More>>

Labels: books, dirty politics, hacking, john key, journalism, nicky hager, nz politics, potplants

From Werewolf 37:

Labels: economic policy, fake iphone texts, john key, nz politics, roads, satire, skycity

In re 'hacking' of WINZ terminals:


The MSDtrix And I notice I've neglected a couple of other things I put up on Scoop recently:

Dotcom Who And a quickie search-and-replace on Bill English's contribution to the non-oversight of the GCSB:
Dotcom Indeminity
ENGLISH'S OFFICE - (NIGHT)
The desk lamp is still lighted. Outside the windows, the dawn is slowly breaking.
English is still clutching the dictaphone. There are eight or nine used memory cards on the desk beside him. A widening stain of leaking credibility shows on the left shoulder of his jacket. He is very weak by now, and his voice holds a note of utter exhaustion.
More>>

Labels: Bill English, Doctor Who, Double Indemnity, GCSB, hacking, john banks, john key, Kim Dotcom, Ministry of Social Development, MSD, privacy, security, The Matrix, The Matrix Reloaded, Work and Income

It was in December of 2012 we lost the Prime Minister.

We had lost things before, but they were the usual things: ballpoint pens, socks, helium balloons, finance company billions, valuables from demolition sites, the occasional central business district and – when the hot, dry nor’wester blows – our minds. Losing a national leader was a novelty.

More>>

From Werewolf, Issue 30

Labels: cardboard, cathedral, christchurch, john key, nz politics, satire, the hunting of the snark, werewolf

A piece for the new Werewolf, which is not titled "The Secret Diary of John Key's Cat"

Labels: animated gifs, cats, john key, nyan cat, nz politics, public service, satire, welfare, werewolf

http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL1111/S00086/scoop-satire-a-tea-ceremony.htm
Hat-tip to the Listener Live Blog

[JOHN 1 and JOHN 2 enter a cafe, bow to each other, and sit in facing seats at a cafe table.]

WAITER: Can I help you?

JOHN 1: I would like a Symbolic Cup Of Tea.

JOHN 2: I too would like a Symbolic Cup Of Tea.

[Waiter bows. Waiter opens a cupboard and removes a Key Ring. Waiter unlocks a Safe which contains a small Gong. Waiter places Gong beside Espresso Machine and Strikes the Gong once.]

[Camera flash.]

J1: It is an Auspicious Day.

J2: It is Two-Weeks-From-The-Election Eve.

J1: Any policy released after this day is officially We Don't Want The Voters To Think Too Hard About This.

J2: It is nice to Take A Break From Campaigning Out Of The Sun.

J1: Yes. It is Very Shady Here In Epsom.

J2: Epsom is symbolic of Scared White People.

J1: Your Name is symbolic of Stopping Things Leaking Out The Side.

J2: Your Name is symbolic of A Potential Opening.

W: I have brought you Your Tea.

[Camera flash.]

W: Tea Sounds Like T.

J1: T stands for Treason.

J2: T stands for Train Wreck.

W: Because it is a Symbolic Cup Of Tea it does not have to Actually Be Tea.

J1: I am having a Flat White.

J2: I am having a Corned Beef Smoothie. I have Been Told They Are Nice Here.

W: The Credibility Of John Banks Drinking A Corned Beef Smoothie is symbolic of The Credibility Of John Banks Representing The ACT Party's Principles.

[J1 & J2 sniff the Tea.]

J1 & J2: Mmm Lovely.

J2: My Mum always said If You Can See The Bottom It's Not A Proper Cup Of Tea.

J1: I Cannot See The Bottom Twenty Per Cent.

J2: The only bottom I can see is the Bottom Of The Barrel.

J1&J2: It is a Proper Cup Of Tea.

[J1 & J2 theatrically indicate the extreme heat of the Tea.]

W: The Tea is Very Hot because You Might Both Get Burned.

J1: The Tea is Very Hot because If You Cannot Stand The Heat Get Out Of The Kitchen.

W: That is the Metaphorical Kitchen not the Symbolic Kitchen. In the Symbolic Kitchen, Out The Back, A Lot Of People Work Hard For Not Much in Horrible Conditions and Fell Lucky For What They Can Get. For the purposes of this Symbolic Cup Of Tea we will Ignore The People In The Kitchen.

W: Too Hot is also symbolic of Baby Bear's Porridge.

[Camera flash.]

[A Starving Sparrow lands on the Table.]

J1: The Sparrow is hoping for Crumbs.

J2: If You Feed Them It Only Encourages Them.

J1 & J2: Get away from our Table, Sparrow.

[The Sparrow dies of Shame.]

W: I have brought you Your Little Spoons.

J1: The Little Spoon is symbolic of a Long Spoon.

J2: The Little Spoon is symbolic of a Bent Spoon.

W: I have brought you Your Sugar. It is not Fair Trade.

J1: The grains of the Sugar and symbolic of Crushed Hopes For Less Authoritarian Politics.

J2: This Spoon Of Sugar is symbolic of My Personal Election Year Lolly Scramble.

W: I have brought you Your Milk. It is not Organic.

J1: The Saucer Catching The Drips As I Pour The Milk is symbolic of ACT's Stability As A Helpful Coalition Partner.

J2: The Motion Of Poured Milk In The Tea is symbolic of ACT's Stability In Every Other Way.

J2: I will Stir the Tea.

J1: I will Spin the Tea.

[Camera flash.]

J1: This Milk has Curdled.

W: The Curdled Milk is symbolic of We May Have Got This Water Out Of A New Zealand River.

J2: This Milk has Split.

W: The Split Milk is symbolic of a Split Vote.

J2: I Do Not Like this Milk.

J1 & J2: We will Drink The Tea And Pretend We Enjoy It.

[Camera flash.]

W: The Pinky Finger Extended Forwards is symbolic of Pointing To The Person You Are Supporting In This Election.

J1: The Pinky Finger is also symbolic of the Shaft I am giving to My Party's Candidate.

W: The Difficulty Swallowing is symbolic of Economic Projections.

[Camera flash.]

J1: This Tea has left a Bitter Taste In My Mouth.

J2: I Quite Liked It.

W: Will there be Anything Else?

J1: You Don't Know The Half Of It.

[J1 and J2 stand. They shake hands.]

[Camera flash.]

W: If that were Don Brash it would be Symbolic of Death And The Maiden.

J2: I Do Not Know anyone called Don Brash.

W: Here is Your Bill. The Bill is symbolic of Hoping To Come Out Ahead But Paying A Steep Price For It.

[J2 theatrically pats his pockets.]

J2: Oh Dear.

J1: Do you not have your Credit Card?

J2: I have Left My Wallet Somewhere.

W: The Wallet is symbolic of Credibility.

J1: Do Not Worry, I shall Get This One.

W: The National Party is assumed to be a Better Economic Manager.

J1 & J2: No Evidence Is Needed.

[J1 produces cash.]

[Camera flash.]

J1: I will Pay for My Tea with this Money.

[Waiter puts Hand out with a Bow. J1 touches the Money to the Hand then takes the Money back.]

J1: I will also Pay for His Tea with This Money.

W: You Cannot Spend The Same Money Twice.

J1: It is Money I will get from Floating State Owned Assets.

W: Oh. That is All Right Then.

J1: There is No Tip. We All Have To Make Sacrifices.

[Waiter Strikes the Gong, twice.]

W: You are my Best Customer.

[Camera flash.]

Labels: act party, epsom, john banks, john key, national party, nz politics, nzvotes, satire, symbolic cup of tea, tea

For reference, this was for the most recent Werewolf:

Dining With The Baron “... I don’t know if you’ve ever been trapped under several fathoms of water, struggling to escape and deprived of oxygen, as you face your apparently inevitable expiration knowing that no matter what convulsions you go through or how loudly you shout no living soul will know or care. It’s uncomfortably like being Phil Goff. More>>

Labels: Baron Münchhausen, john key, lies, national party, phil goff, rena, satire, tourism, werewolf

Werewolf 23:
From The Hood : Goff Disappointed As World Fails To End

Labels: elections, john key, labour, nz politics, phil goff, satire, the apocalypse, the rapture, werewolf

werewolf » From The Hood : Learning To Read The PM

In which I throw a very specific book at the PM (and Don Brash).

From Werewolf Issue 22.

Labels: can't really draw, don brash, john key, nz politics, parody, satire, shonky donkey, werewolf

werewolf » From The Hood : Looney Toons In Hobbiton

Other things that are awesome
* Cold Comfort Farm
* Four Lions

Seriously, Four Lions is practically my definition of good satire. Though you may want to take precautions against wobbly-camera nausea.

I actually saw it on Sunday, which I guess goes to show nothing gets me to the cinema like professional interest.

That evening I was working on the Werewolf piece. I was wondering if I could think of anything further amusing about the difference between a duck and a rat and got the giggles. For reasons you'll be able to work out when you've seen the movies.

Might be more mention of Cold Comfort at a later date. Is funny.

Labels: actor's equity, cold comfort farm, four lions, john key, meaa, nz politics, satire, satirists, the hobbit, warner bros, warner sister dot, werewolf

http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL1008/S00059/scoop-satire-the-calculator-of-cthulhu.htm
without apologies to H P Lovecraft

Click for big version

1

My doctors have sensed that I am holding something back, that secret is ravaging my mind. Yet I cannot speak of it. If my story became know, it would surely tear apart the gossamer veil that lies between mankind and insanity.

The most recent doctor, a young man, suggested I might write down, secretly, the unspeakable memories I can never share. At first, I could not endure the bare thought of revisiting those horrors, even in private memory. But now, here I sit, beside the kindling fire as night falls, and my shaking pen writes these words.

I still cannot think of the affair of the Prime Minister of New Zealand without a shudder of unmitigated horror.

The days have turned to weeks, since my wild flight from Wellington. Fear, and the immediate preservation of my body, have given way to a fear for my soul. And I brood continually upon the things I have seen, upon certain astronomical events and upon recent discoveries in subatomic physics. The dread I feel – for myself and for all of humanity – has only expanded.

I wish they had never built that monstrous apparatus under the Swiss Alps. Its dangers have so often been guessed at, never for the right reasons.

2

I confess I had never been a friend to John Key, and that I opposed his unusually rapid rise to power. But I never spread any of those peculiar rumours about him, dismissing them as the envious fictions that power inevitably attracts. I do not speak in personal emnity, though recent events have changed my assessment of those rumours.

Now, I remember one that had all the marks of an urban legend – a set of stories with different circumstances, matching only in the most gruesome details. Saying that at various times and places, he was known to have shot off his own mouth, yet appeared entirely unharmed immediately after.

I gave those no more credance than the other stories, such as the one about how he'd killed a guy, just to see if he could get away with it if he smiled and claimed it was part of his economic programme.

3

Nobody saw anything unusual in the Prime Minister's behaviour. He had become, if anything, more relaxed and charming.

Yet recently certain of his personal habits had become more pronounced. He would produce strange items – "statistics", he called them – perhaps regarding Australia, or employment, or Women's pay, the number of children failing at school or the sufficiency of evidence for driver blood/alcohol laws – that did not seem to have come from any recognisable data set of this Earth.

Just then I was, partly due to my own eccentricities, at a loose end or – as I thought – I might not have given the matter any thought. And I also began to wonder why his Ministers were one by one ceasing to appear in public for interviews.

I began a methodical search for a clue as to what mysterious process he had used to manufacture those facts.

Soon I found the deeper tunnels, below the pre-European foundation of the Parliament buildings, and the disturbing markings which my torchlight revealed on those walls.

And I knew that my search had been subconciously driven by some subtle recognition.

As a youth I had chanced on certain arcane volumes, and acquired a secret passion for these bizzare and secret histories – though I was never quite certain if I took it seriously. In truth, my first thought of political life was sparked by a rumour that the Parliament library contained a copy of the fabled Necronomicon (though it proved to be a woefully incomplete Latin version of the mad Arab's writings).

My investigations took to hidden sites all around the world – a passion for travel that bemused my colleagues. I have puzzled over worn inscriptions in half-sunken Venetian crypts and shuddered at distorted friezes uncovered in abandoned Tibetan temples, amidst the shrill, arcane piping of the Himalayan winds.

I see now that every moment was a step on the path that brought me here.

4

As I journeyed ever deeper into those underground passages, the strong the often-remarked scent of despair and madness that clings to Parliament became gradually stronger. I was on the point of turning back, overwhelmed by the stench, when I heard movement in front of me, and saw light.

A kind of cavern opened up at the intersection of several tunnels, filled with a sourceless, pale green light. Strangely-carved arches vanished upwards into dark cyclopean vaults. A robed figure was capering manically in the eldritch glow, consulting the marks that filled the limestone-dripped walls and scribbling notes on scraps of paper that littered the sandy floor.

At first I did not recognize him – how could I have? But it seems he was fully aware of my presence. I drew a shocked breath as the Prime Minister turned and spoke to me.

"See!" he said, "I told you! We are catching up with Australia – if you use percentages!"

And his waving hand forced my attention to the whiteboard my eyes had instinctually tried to avoid.

5

I recoiled in terror as I saw those monstrous calculations, that obscene, non-Euclidean arithmetic – inscriptions that were half numerals, half grotesque symbols representing realities far removed from our own.

I made the mistake of trying to understand it, and was trapped by its mesemerising insanity. Those conclusions that seemed to shift from one moment to the other! The unhallowed divisors he had used to derive such fiendish percentages!

Yet even as my brain swam I knew I had yet to uncover the full extent of this horror. For surely this man who was once human – and was in between times a currency trader – could not have become the creature of illogic I saw before me without the company of another, without the example of some shambling monstrosity of pure madness coaxing from beyond the edges of reason.

And at that moment, I felt the atmosphere change. An increasing wave of stale air flowed from one of the further tunnel mouths. It steamed as it rose, forced from unthinkable, scorching depth by the rapidly rising bulk of some gibbering creature of the black pit.

In a moment that I believe saved my remaining sanity, animal fear overcame my mental paralysis. I turned and ran.

Behind me I heard the Prime Minister, who had turned to welcome the tunneling force of unreason that was surely approaching, call after me in dismay:

"But you can't go – you haven't met the Minister for Economic Development!"

6

My limbs ached and my lungs burned, but knowing what was behind, mere bodily pain could not slow my flight. It was something far more insidious that drove me near to despairing collapse.

As I desperately ran towards the imagined safety of daylight, I sought to measure my pace towards my goal against certain milestones I thought I saw in the far distance. Yet as I sought to check my progress against this arbitrary goal, I found these milestones had vanished, or had never existed at all. Without them, I suddenly feared all my tremendous efforts might be making no progress at all, or even sending me racing in the wrong direction, back into the hole I had come from.

Even space itself: I think I ceased to believe in anything. Shub-Niggurath! The howling Nyarlathotep! Ïa! Ïa! Cthulhu fhtagn!

Yet, partly because I had no other ideas, I kept running. Somehow, I emerged alive.

7

When I tell the doctors I am horrified by the Government, and would do anything to change it, they think I am making small talk.

The truth, and the source of my enduring horror, is that we are governed by creatures capable of such hideous computations, whose relationship to what we call reality is a matter of personal convenience, in whose mad grip established fact crumbles into incoherence.

Somehow they projected into our brains an image or safety, a steady hand on the tiller. Now, like one awakening from a dream, I find that every sphere of Government is being destroyed and rebuilt. Rebuilt in the lunatic image of its incomprehensible builders.

And I ask myself how they can wilfully distort the properties of accepted underlying reality.

But is not 'charm' a property of those quantum particles those scientists and engineers foolishly seek to summon in those cthonic tunnels under Switzerland?

And can it be coincidence that mere days after I saw those half-real calculations distort known reality, a gigantic explosion rippled across the hemisphere of the Sun closest to earth? I am told that the storm of that cataclysm is, even as I write, reaching our atmosphere and causing an eldrich glow in the night sky. I dare not look.

8

No doubt many think me mad. I have done nothing to discourage it, and I certainly had no need to counterfeit the symptoms of nervous collapse. The only one I have heard to doubt it is the one who knows the whole truth.

But I had to take a tangled path to escape that tangled web. If I simply fled without explanation, I could not be sure of my safety. Even here, hundreds of miles distant from that buzzing hive of madness.

I had to leave – as permanently as I could – without suspicion of true cause of my flight. I could not have my colleagues on the scent of the horrible truths that have destroy my happiness. And I had to show the irrational powers which I fled that I could remain silent.

The desperate solution I devised was as follows: I sent an anonymous letter attacking the leader of my own party around the press gallery, leaving clues to be sure that it would be traced back to me within the day.

They insisted I leave, and will do anything they can to stop me going back. They imagine themselves triumphant. If they knew the truth, how they would envy me.

9

As I write, and the Southern sky glows greenly, I have indeed found a certain strange peace. Setting these events on paper has put them in an inexplicable order.

It only remains for me to throw these closely-filled sheets into the fire. I must do it now – to be certain these horrific secrets spread no further.

In a moment.

Someone is knocking at the door.

********

Labels: chris carter, cthulhu, gerry brownlee, h p lovecraft, john key, nz politics, satire

Gerald Depardieu??



Plus: Helen Clark = Posh Spice. At least, that's the first female result...

[UPDATE:
Orange Election Man = Wil Ferrell, Valerie Perrine in nightdress, Superman. Interesingly, Perrine was in Superman II.
Me = bunch of random guys, Jay Leno.

UPDATE UPDATE:
Bother - turns out the links DO expire. Apologies. May try and sort something later...

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE:
If you still care, you can try saving then feeding Picollator the following:
Me - me_3_face.jpg = SUPERMAN!!! or possibly Lois
(more may follow once I find the pics I actually used)]

Labels: facial recognition, gerald depardieu, images, john key, nz politics

http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL0907/S00296.ht

Click to enlarge

Health: Controversy Over Mandatory Fortification Of Bread With "Wheat"

Prime Minister John Key has stalled plans for the mandatory inclusion of "wheat" in bread.

"Wheat" is a naturally-occurring substance, rich in protein and carbohydrates. It also includes fibre and nutrients such as iron, zinc and vitamin B9 (also known as folic acid) which are not found in most New Zealand bread. Wheat is added to baked goods in many European countries.

Only organic bread would have been exempt from the requirement.

There has been a growing media storm over the issue. After mixed messages from Food Safety Minister Kate Wilkinson, Key stepped in and decisively announced further consultation followed by three more years of just basically doing nothing.

While public health experts are in favour of fortification, some opponents have described this plan to give everyone medication as 'mass medication'.

Food industry representatives praised Key's decision, saying the original idea was ridiculous.

"I mean, what's next?" asked one. "Chocolate made with cocoa butter?"

There have been no announcements on more recent plans to improve the nation's literacy by fortifying bread with spelt flour.

***

Law Reform: Power Proposes New "Being A Total Jerk" Offence

Following widespread public disapproval of the conduct of Clayton Weatherston's murder trial, Justice Minister Simon Power has announced plans for a new offence of "acting like a complete wanker".

"New Zealanders have made their opinion clear," said Power, "it's one thing to brutally murder a fellow human being. But if everyone knows you did it, you should at least pretend to be sorry. Or shut up."

"The rest of the vicious narcissistic murderers can sort that out. If somebody can't, their sentences should reflect that kind of gratuitous asshattery."

"At the end of the day, there's no law against conducting your defence as you see fit, within the rules of the court," said the Minister.

"That's a loophole we hope to clear up soon."

Power has also asked the Law Commission to investigate using the number of TV hours on a trial and its aftermath as an exacerbating factor in sentencing. TV hours are allocated partly by national importance, and partly by trained hamsters.

***

Politics: Raising Profile Maybe Not Such A Good Idea After All - Goff

Phil Goff, who according to the Labour research unit is the leader of the opposition, has reportedly spent the weekend wondering if drawing attention to himself is in fact good for his image.

Phil Goff had announced a plan of abolishing the income threshold for the dole, from which he later backtracked. In an article in the New Zealand Herald the policy had as its 'needy' poster-child a man who turned out to own several properties.

According to later versions of the article on the Herald website, the Labour Party secretly inserted the original article into the newspaper during the typesetting phase. An embarrassed Herald is reportedly considering a 'research' capability to 'investigate' future stories, though sources admit this would be radical departure. "Our subeditor is quite busy as it is," said one, "the poor thing's so stressed he's gone off his kibble".

The incident is likely to prove an ongoing political embarrassment to Labour and to hamper the party's media relations. Goff, however, intends to persevere.

"After all," he said, "the polls couldn't be worse."

"Surely."

***

Climate Change: New Zealand To Stand On Proud Record Of Doing Nothing

In the face of mounting international consensus on the need for action on climate change, New Zealand intends to rely on its reputation for vague intentions backed by no action.

After the results of widespread public consultation favour strong action, Climate Change Minister Nick Smith has explained that New Zealand's emissions target should take into account the way "we haven't done anything towards it in the past and don't want to do anything in the future."

Since human-induced climate change was recognised as a problem, New Zealand has failed to introduce a carbon tax, then briefly introduced an emissions trading scheme, until we realised it wasn't watered-down enough.

"This Government has delayed the ETS and taken a range of other policy decisions such as cutting funding for public transport," said Smith, "So really, we're starting at a disadvantage. Is that fair?"

"Let me be clear: Doing nothing is no longer an option," he said.

"The time has come to do as little as possible."

***

Welfare: Key Describes Wife As "Solo Mum"

In a hard-hitting interview with the Dominion Post, John Key has described his wife Bronagh as a "solo mother".

The Prime Minister and self-confessed deadbeat dad apparently did not mean to suggest that the mother of his children was scraping by on the DPB or a series of low-paying part time jobs without support from a father and wondering where the next meal is going to come from.

My Key later clarified his comments, say that he is quite in touch, actually.

Asked whether the "solo mum" line was written for him by a trained hamster, Mr Key answered in the affirmative, saying that he had come up with it himself.

********

Labels: clayton weatherston, climate change, folate, john key, justice, nz politics, phil goff, satire, welfare

Viz earlier post about Nat DNA testing:

Using Scoop's new souped-up archive search I found this:

6. We’ll make it easier for police to catch and prosecute criminals by giving them the power to take DNA from every person arrested for an imprisonable offence.

We will pass this law as a matter of priority and work with police to provide the resources needed to ensure that, by the end of our first term at the latest, this is the practice of every police district in the country. As is the case with fingerprints and photographs, we will require DNA records to be destroyed where charges are dropped or where suspects are found not guilty.

So while it does still seem inexplicably extreme to me (why not just wait for convictions), that does preclude the particular evilness I was concerned about.

*breathes out*

Now we can move on to the merely daft and counterproductive aspect of their justice policy.

[Update: It struck me that it's still likely to encourage the cops to charge people just to get the DNA. But I'll try to wait and see.]

Labels: crime, john key, justice, nz politics

[Update 26/11/08: Is not actually that bad]

DNA First, Questions Later

If there's one thing that actually give me a warm feeling to know I'm not voting for National, it's in their law and order policies.

A National government will as a matter of "as a matter of priority", add DNA samples from everyone charged with an imprisonable offense to the police database.

Charged. Plenty of these people will be found not guilty. Plenty of them are not guilty. In some cases, there won't even have been a crime. And in every case, they have to be treated by the law as innocent until proven guilty or we may as well give up the whole 'justice' thing now.

National intends to force innocent people to give a DNA sample, and then to keep that in their database forever.

I actually put it in a headline on the Scoop front page: "National Will Begin DNA-Testing Innocent People As Soon As Possible". We have a tendency to be flippant, but we do also try for accuracy. So I hope people realise it's not a joke.

Look on the bright side: at least they're not raiding everyone's medical samples.

Anyway - firstly: It is wrong.

Secondly: It is wrong.

Thirdly: It makes me wonder how someone could suggest it in the first place.

Talking to Nine to Noon, John Key mentioned his faith in his own judgment. That no doubt served him will in foreign exchange (where I get the impression you have to be decisive and mostly right) and overall seems to be doing quite well now. But I think in running a country you're only as good as your worst mistake.

I mention this because I'm reminded of the not-exactly boot camps: Involuntary programmes for off-the-rails kids based on an arbitrary combination of voluntary programmes for at-risk or not-at-risk kids. I've twice heard John Key call this his scheme - like he made it up and just expects it to work. People practising in the area hate it, mostly because they don't think it will.

In a similar case, Dim found the parole policy ill-advised. Or rather, igonore-advised.

Come to think of it, Don Brash demonstrably made up his own policy at least once; but he was worse at keeping his spokepeople - the one's whose job it is to actually understand the portfolio - in line when he did.

Don Brash also produced (and then finance spokesman John Key defended) a budget where the numbers for corrections seemed rather too small. In the apparent absence of an actual shadow budget this year, I have an issue with the parole policy costing - they estimate 512 extra prisoners and one more prison. Lord knows that's not every cost, but I'm thinking of one particular trap for new players.

While it's normal to project forwards to the third year, in the case of the three-strikes-and-no-parole scheme this approach is useless. Hardly anyone would be serving that extra time by the third year. By, say, the tenth, it will be much, much bigger and it will presumably continue to increase until their lifetime prisoners start dying.

I digress.

Perhaps the impression of personal interference is just the price Key pays for fronting a crime plan full of random hard lines. But to me it all makes it look like he's not as clever as he thinks he is.

And that an honest opponent of nanny state has more to fear than they might think from a change of government.


Elsewhere

I note the ACT TV ad, apparently courting the 'people who hate the Greens' vote.

I wasn't looking at the TV on Saturday night, so I missed that they had actually just ripped off the Greens' image. I have professional reasons for agreeing with Mr Price that this sort of thing should be allowed (though sometimes decried). OTOH as things stand it is flouting the law. And it's amusing to see ACT abuse some's property rights, even though "intellectual property" isn't a very sensible phrase.

And I can't take Rodney Hide's environmental position very seriously. Mostly because, in terms of what actually comes up in Parliament, his solution to every environmental problem is to do nothing.

But what struck me, as a marketing thing, was the bit that encouraged people to be a real green, not a "watermelon green".

Why put that in an ad?

I mean, if you want to sound like you have nothing better to do than attack other parties and are maybe a little psycho, sure.

But my point is, how big can the target audience for that phrase be? Surely everyone who understands it ('Green on the oudside, red in the middle! Ha! Take that!') already knows who they want to vote for.


Elsewhere Elswhere

Just a theory on Labour's me-tooism on special welfare for fired people.

It's not that having the same plan as another part is really unusual. For example, I half expect National to complain that Labour has stolen its policy-stealing policy. And I suspect parties who aren't leading the government tend to call for thing as early as possible, and then by the time the actual policy work is done and government can announce it, they can claim it was their idea.

But what I'm thinking of is the "we've been developing this for ages" thing (rather than the "we promise not to announce new spending" thing). One time before when this happened National got the relevant cabinet papers and found that, yes, there had been work done one this, and cabinet had turned it down. The implication being, it suddenly became a good idea when the opposition announced it.

After nine years I imagine they must have, in that sense, been working on just about every policy position there is.

Personally, while I can sort of see the extra hardship in being fired as opposed to not having a job in the first place, I can't help thinking it would be simpler if we just had a proper unemployment benefit.

Labels: act party, crime, irony, john key, justice, media, nz politics, prisons

John Key has again implied National's proposed at-risk youth not-exactly-boot-camps is something he came up with ("my idea of Fresh Start Programmes").

It's just, if you followed that corrections thing you'll know that programmes devised by professionals that have successful pilots can be slighly worse than useless.

So honest, and a apparently pleased with himself, though he is, I hold little hope prima facie for a plan John Key came up with out of his own head.

Particularly given the programme he was visiting has obvious critical differences to the one he plans. For example, by the sound of it participants in the former are not young offenders or there under court orders.

Labels: boot camps, crime, john key, national party, nz politics, youth