A Tea Ceremony
Friday, November 11, 2011
Hat-tip to the Listener Live Blog
[JOHN 1 and JOHN 2 enter a cafe, bow to each other, and sit in facing seats at a cafe table.]
WAITER: Can I help you?
JOHN 1: I would like a Symbolic Cup Of Tea.
JOHN 2: I too would like a Symbolic Cup Of Tea.
[Waiter bows. Waiter opens a cupboard and removes a Key Ring. Waiter unlocks a Safe which contains a small Gong. Waiter places Gong beside Espresso Machine and Strikes the Gong once.]
[Camera flash.]
J1: It is an Auspicious Day.
J2: It is Two-Weeks-From-The-Election Eve.
J1: Any policy released after this day is officially We Don't Want The Voters To Think Too Hard About This.
J2: It is nice to Take A Break From Campaigning Out Of The Sun.
J1: Yes. It is Very Shady Here In Epsom.
J2: Epsom is symbolic of Scared White People.
J1: Your Name is symbolic of Stopping Things Leaking Out The Side.
J2: Your Name is symbolic of A Potential Opening.
W: I have brought you Your Tea.
[Camera flash.]
W: Tea Sounds Like T.
J1: T stands for Treason.
J2: T stands for Train Wreck.
W: Because it is a Symbolic Cup Of Tea it does not have to Actually Be Tea.
J1: I am having a Flat White.
J2: I am having a Corned Beef Smoothie. I have Been Told They Are Nice Here.
W: The Credibility Of John Banks Drinking A Corned Beef Smoothie is symbolic of The Credibility Of John Banks Representing The ACT Party's Principles.
[J1 & J2 sniff the Tea.]
J1 & J2: Mmm Lovely.
J2: My Mum always said If You Can See The Bottom It's Not A Proper Cup Of Tea.
J1: I Cannot See The Bottom Twenty Per Cent.
J2: The only bottom I can see is the Bottom Of The Barrel.
J1&J2: It is a Proper Cup Of Tea.
[J1 & J2 theatrically indicate the extreme heat of the Tea.]
W: The Tea is Very Hot because You Might Both Get Burned.
J1: The Tea is Very Hot because If You Cannot Stand The Heat Get Out Of The Kitchen.
W: That is the Metaphorical Kitchen not the Symbolic Kitchen. In the Symbolic Kitchen, Out The Back, A Lot Of People Work Hard For Not Much in Horrible Conditions and Fell Lucky For What They Can Get. For the purposes of this Symbolic Cup Of Tea we will Ignore The People In The Kitchen.
W: Too Hot is also symbolic of Baby Bear's Porridge.
[Camera flash.]
[A Starving Sparrow lands on the Table.]
J1: The Sparrow is hoping for Crumbs.
J2: If You Feed Them It Only Encourages Them.
J1 & J2: Get away from our Table, Sparrow.
[The Sparrow dies of Shame.]
W: I have brought you Your Little Spoons.
J1: The Little Spoon is symbolic of a Long Spoon.
J2: The Little Spoon is symbolic of a Bent Spoon.
W: I have brought you Your Sugar. It is not Fair Trade.
J1: The grains of the Sugar and symbolic of Crushed Hopes For Less Authoritarian Politics.
J2: This Spoon Of Sugar is symbolic of My Personal Election Year Lolly Scramble.
W: I have brought you Your Milk. It is not Organic.
J1: The Saucer Catching The Drips As I Pour The Milk is symbolic of ACT's Stability As A Helpful Coalition Partner.
J2: The Motion Of Poured Milk In The Tea is symbolic of ACT's Stability In Every Other Way.
J2: I will Stir the Tea.
J1: I will Spin the Tea.
[Camera flash.]
J1: This Milk has Curdled.
W: The Curdled Milk is symbolic of We May Have Got This Water Out Of A New Zealand River.
J2: This Milk has Split.
W: The Split Milk is symbolic of a Split Vote.
J2: I Do Not Like this Milk.
J1 & J2: We will Drink The Tea And Pretend We Enjoy It.
[Camera flash.]
W: The Pinky Finger Extended Forwards is symbolic of Pointing To The Person You Are Supporting In This Election.
J1: The Pinky Finger is also symbolic of the Shaft I am giving to My Party's Candidate.
W: The Difficulty Swallowing is symbolic of Economic Projections.
[Camera flash.]
J1: This Tea has left a Bitter Taste In My Mouth.
J2: I Quite Liked It.
W: Will there be Anything Else?
J1: You Don't Know The Half Of It.
[J1 and J2 stand. They shake hands.]
[Camera flash.]
W: If that were Don Brash it would be Symbolic of Death And The Maiden.
J2: I Do Not Know anyone called Don Brash.
W: Here is Your Bill. The Bill is symbolic of Hoping To Come Out Ahead But Paying A Steep Price For It.
[J2 theatrically pats his pockets.]
J2: Oh Dear.
J1: Do you not have your Credit Card?
J2: I have Left My Wallet Somewhere.
W: The Wallet is symbolic of Credibility.
J1: Do Not Worry, I shall Get This One.
W: The National Party is assumed to be a Better Economic Manager.
J1 & J2: No Evidence Is Needed.
[J1 produces cash.]
[Camera flash.]
J1: I will Pay for My Tea with this Money.
[Waiter puts Hand out with a Bow. J1 touches the Money to the Hand then takes the Money back.]
J1: I will also Pay for His Tea with This Money.
W: You Cannot Spend The Same Money Twice.
J1: It is Money I will get from Floating State Owned Assets.
W: Oh. That is All Right Then.
J1: There is No Tip. We All Have To Make Sacrifices.
[Waiter Strikes the Gong, twice.]
W: You are my Best Customer.
[Camera flash.]
Labels: act party, epsom, john banks, john key, national party, nz politics, nzvotes, satire, symbolic cup of tea, tea
Lyndon Hood - late again, Wellington
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
For reference, this was for the most recent Werewolf:
Dining With The Baron “... I don’t know if you’ve ever been trapped under several fathoms of water, struggling to escape and deprived of oxygen, as you face your apparently inevitable expiration knowing that no matter what convulsions you go through or how loudly you shout no living soul will know or care. It’s uncomfortably like being Phil Goff. More>>
Dining With The Baron “... I don’t know if you’ve ever been trapped under several fathoms of water, struggling to escape and deprived of oxygen, as you face your apparently inevitable expiration knowing that no matter what convulsions you go through or how loudly you shout no living soul will know or care. It’s uncomfortably like being Phil Goff. More>>
Labels: Baron Münchhausen, john key, lies, national party, phil goff, rena, satire, tourism, werewolf
Lyndon Hood, balancing actor, Wellington
Friday, March 05, 2010
I've occasionally made images for Scoop in advance, on the assumption an opportunity could be found or manufactured to use it in the future.
I was so struck by the image Clair Browning launched this Pundit post with I couldn't resist doing my own version. I call it, "Balancing our Environmental Responsibilities with our Economic Opportunities".
Click to enlarge
I'll keep it here for the moment, along with this David Garrett picture, the time of which has, in fact, come, but which remains a bridge too far for the Scoop front page.
I was so struck by the image Clair Browning launched this Pundit post with I couldn't resist doing my own version. I call it, "Balancing our Environmental Responsibilities with our Economic Opportunities".
Click to enlarge
I'll keep it here for the moment, along with this David Garrett picture, the time of which has, in fact, come, but which remains a bridge too far for the Scoop front page.
Labels: boerwoeo, Clair Browning, environment, gerry brownlee, graphics, mining, national parks, national party, pundit.co.nz
Key Cancels "Wasteful" Employment Summit
Friday, February 20, 2009
National has cancelled another conference, with Prime Minister John Key describing it as "a waste of public money at a critical time".
During a line-by-line review of spending by the department of Prime Minister and Cabinet, Mr Key discovered the so-called "Summit on Employment", which was to be held in Auckland on February 27.
The summit, which was organised by bureaucrats, was to gather business leaders together from around the country to have a bit of a chat about employment-related issues.
"Employers are the life blood of our economy," said My Key, "We don't want them swanning around at some fancy conference venue eating sausage rolls - they should be at work employing people!"
My Key emphasised the he supported the goal of gathering fresh ideas to retain and grow jobs. "But haven't they ever heard of email? Or telephones?"
"Unfortunately we won't be able to recoup the money spent on branding and publicity for the conference," Mr Key continued, "I shall be asking some very stern questions about why an publicly-funded event needs its own logo.
"Not that it's a bad logo. It's got lines making a sort of mountain. Summit, you see. Because it's a summit."After an uncomfortable pause Mr Key suggested it might actually be a roof with retrofitted insulation.
My Key cited this action as proof the he and the Beehive political staff were right on the ball when it came to saving money.
"In these hard economic times we need to make sure every taxpayer dollar is well spent. How many manufacturing workers could be employed with that money? Or, to put the spending in more standard terms, how many hip operations could an osteopathic surgeon employed with that money perform?
"The number of blocks of cheese involved doesn't bear thinking about."
A spokesman for the Prime Minister's office later clarified that, while whether the summit was a waste of money was debatable, Mr Key did not want to be the last minister to cancel a conference or fire somebody.
Labels: conferences, employment, national party, nz politics, satire
A Victory Parade For John Key
Monday, November 17, 2008
http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL0811/S00219.htm
"It's The Allegory, Stupid"Download full image:
With numbers
Without numbers
Click to enlarge
Key***:
(1) A patched up, exapanded Economy propels New Zealand along the road to success, only saddled with a bigger, better national debt. High inflation is no longer considered an issue, so they're pumping it up as hard as they can.
Six months ago there was a plan to use this as a cash cow, but it turned out to be bull. And, though they are building infrastructure urgently, there is still a big hole ahead.
(In the hole, the artist has cunningly depicted the optical fibre in the form of a Lamp, to remind the initiated of the Torch of Freedom.)
"Onward," cries the Driver, "and don't spare the emmissions! Let's grow our cake, and eat it too!"
(2) The Victor leads the parade. He is portrayed here with Eyes, to indicate that he has a Vision For New Zealand.
Holding his master's Laurels is the traditional Slave, to whisper to him as they go among the worshipful masses: "You, too, are mortal."
Click to enlarge
(3) The Champion, in his new Winston-Skin Cloak, ready to recieve his reward. Behind him, a carefully-quarantined Roger Douglas.
(4) This lonely Rooster follows the Leader now, finally lured away from his earlier position sitting on the fence. Grand though his plumage is, he wasn't able to bring any friends along on his tail.
(5) It's the Dead-Fish Swallower with some other Baggage From The 90s! How the crowd laughs at their ideological contortions!
Click to enlarge
(6) A series of unexplained Leeks.
(7) These Shadowy Corporate Backers might be pleased, but who can tell? Hopefully, they'll be more transparent next time, but don't bet on it.
(8) The Third Cab Off The Rank, about to test the wisdom of hitching their wagon to a Ministerial Post.
So far in the Parade, our New Leader has rather more votes than he needs. Who says he doesn't believe in Big Governments?
Click to enlarge
(9) Look! Now there are more blocks of cheese in the Back Pockets of Hard-Worker New Zealanders. And Camp Boots. That's what they are. Not boot camps. Nothing like boot camps.
(10) Kiwis flocking to return from Australia. Welcome home! Thank goodness for tax cuts!
(11) It's Crime-O, mascot of the private prison industry! Crime-O's new, harsher formula: no promises about cleaning up your streets but, boy, is it harsh. Crime-O: now also more expensive.
(Crime-O is a division of the Halliburton Corporation.)
(12) The credible, affordable and practical Solution to one in five children failing at school.
Click to enlarge
(13) The terrifying Five-Headed Left Wing Monster. Slain by a magical Four-Handed Sword.
(14) This Kiwisaver Retirement Saving Scheme has been gutted. Look how much money was inside! How many lollies could you buy with that?
(15) The Discussion-Document-White-Paper-Line-By-Line-Review-And-Committee-Report Bearer. Awww.
(16) Ask not for whom The Toll is tolled; because even if the incoming Minister answers you the incoming Prime Minister will probably overrule him immediately, and you'll end up none the wiser.
(17) A Tax Cut Dispensing Machine. Compared to the troubles being forecast, the tax cut may be small change, but that's good. Becuase it's time for a change, as we all apparently agree.
Click to enlarge
(18) The Dead Hand Of The State.
(19) An In-Control Public Service, capped and with emergency arrangements to control waste.
(20) We'll be cracking down on every kind of gang except the Razor Gang: he hasn't been called on yet - in so many words - but he knows he'll be wanted. Slashing or slow bleeding, he promises you won't feel a thing. He doesn't mind if it's a haircut or an amputation - either way, that's "less" bureaucrats.
"Here's and idea," he says, "If we can't sell off state assets, what say we privatise the government?"
(21) The Prime Minister De-Elect, accompanied by her Sidekick who you will note has Two Long Ears (if I heard the story right, he did have Nine Long Ears, but wasted them). She is walking before her entourage can fight about who gets to roll her.
* Of course you can't find them. They're hidden.
** For prize, apply to Mike Williams. Time limit may have expired.
*** See what I did there?
Labels: elections, national party, nz politics, satire
Lyndon Hood - unreformed, Wellington
Friday, October 03, 2008
John Key has again implied National's proposed at-risk youth not-exactly-boot-camps is something he came up with ("my idea of Fresh Start Programmes").
It's just, if you followed that corrections thing you'll know that programmes devised by professionals that have successful pilots can be slighly worse than useless.
So honest, and a apparently pleased with himself, though he is, I hold little hope prima facie for a plan John Key came up with out of his own head.
Particularly given the programme he was visiting has obvious critical differences to the one he plans. For example, by the sound of it participants in the former are not young offenders or there under court orders.
It's just, if you followed that corrections thing you'll know that programmes devised by professionals that have successful pilots can be slighly worse than useless.
So honest, and a apparently pleased with himself, though he is, I hold little hope prima facie for a plan John Key came up with out of his own head.
Particularly given the programme he was visiting has obvious critical differences to the one he plans. For example, by the sound of it participants in the former are not young offenders or there under court orders.
Labels: boot camps, crime, john key, national party, nz politics, youth
Lyndon Hood - Scientifictional, Wellington
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
New Hood: Nat Email Hacked In Parallel Universe
I'll note here that the laptop I used for the picture is by a japanese guy and apparently it actually works.
The shameless quality of the hacking assertion reminds me of the time Gerry Brownlee, as the disaster contol for National's 2005 campaign - and therefore a busy man - told National Radio (as it was called at the time) that, as campaign manager, Stephen Joyce's job was to see that before speeches Don had a cup of tea and the right number of chairs were put out.
Now it think about it, that also was also an effort to discredit evidence that came via Hager, though I don't remember if we knew that at the time.
Anyhow - this sort of thing does not claim the moral high ground.
Elsewhere, it looks like Fairfax's PR could do with some more subeditors:
I'll note here that the laptop I used for the picture is by a japanese guy and apparently it actually works.
The shameless quality of the hacking assertion reminds me of the time Gerry Brownlee, as the disaster contol for National's 2005 campaign - and therefore a busy man - told National Radio (as it was called at the time) that, as campaign manager, Stephen Joyce's job was to see that before speeches Don had a cup of tea and the right number of chairs were put out.
Now it think about it, that also was also an effort to discredit evidence that came via Hager, though I don't remember if we knew that at the time.
Anyhow - this sort of thing does not claim the moral high ground.
Elsewhere, it looks like Fairfax's PR could do with some more subeditors:
Fairfax Media, New Zealand's largest newspaper, magazine and web publisher, is again seeking the country's young journalism prospects for its journalism intern scheme and, after training at five leading journalism schools, to join publications or websites of their choice.The rest of the release isn't a model of style either. Not that I make any special claims in that department. Witness certain baroque sentence constructions above.
Labels: media, national party, nicky hager, nz politics, satire, steampunk
